Dear Daddy God.... (Hannah Beck's Story) Healed-Ish Episode 97

Dear Daddy God.... (Hannah Beck's Story) | Healed-Ish: Episode 97 ![rw-book-cover](https://d34adp677peecb.cloudfront.net/static/images/article1.be68295a7e40.png) 🔗 **Source:** [Dear Daddy God.... (Hannah Beck's Story) | Healed-Ish: Episode 97](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRMsBuROxAs) > [!note]+ Document Notes > tags: [faith-deconstruction, purity-culture, apostolic-christian-church, queer-faith-experience, religious-trauma, personal-testimony] > author: Jubilee Dawn > source: Jubilee Dawn (YouTube channel, Healed-ish series) > reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRMsBuROxAs > date created: 2026-10-06 > > > [!info] Generated analysis — not the author's words. Sections below are machine-written > > from the captured source. Only text inside `> [!quote]` blocks is verbatim from the author. > > Do not quote or attribute any other line to the named author. > > # Title: Dear Daddy God.... (Hannah Beck's Story) | Healed-ish: Episode 97 > > Channel: Jubilee Dawn. Length 1:01:41. Uploaded 2026-10-06. The transcript never names the host; the channel name is the only host-side label, and the guest is Hannah Beck per the video title. The captions carry no speaker labels, so every speaker attribution below is inferred from context and marked where it matters. >  ## Table of contents - [Summary](#summary) - [Main content](#main-content) - [Notes](#notes) - [References](#references) - [Paraphrase](#paraphrase) - [Newsletter](#newsletter) - [Action items](#action-items) - [Hypotheses](#hypotheses) - [Methodology](#methodology) - [Questions](#questions) - [Future research](#future-research) - [Implications](#implications) - [Learning styles assessment](#learning-styles-assessment) - [Accessibility assessment](#accessibility-assessment) - [DEIB assessment](#deib-assessment) - [Logical validity](#logical-validity) - [DARVO analysis](#darvo-analysis) - [Conclusion](#conclusion) - [Refactor Appendix](#refactor-appendix) ## Summary - **What happened.** The host interviews Hannah Beck, a stand-up comedian who reads her teenage prayer-journal entries addressed to "Daddy God." Across about 61 minutes Hannah describes, in order: her family joining the Apostolic Christian Church of America when she was about 9 or 10, a panic attack about hell that a leader called the Holy Spirit, purity-culture teaching, a closeted attraction to women she says she shelved, a double life that included the show Glee, the decision to go to college in 2019, and a leave-taking from the church that she says included no contact with her parents and "never really a Christian" messages from former congregants. - **Whose account.** Hannah's, in her words. The host adds her own memories (ministry school, purity books, a divorce) and reactions. Nobody else in the story speaks, so the church, her parents, and the other people she names appear only as she describes them. - **Why it matters for a faith-history reader.** The video is a first-person record of one congregation's teaching and practice as one member remembers it: arranged-ish marriage through an elder, no instruments, no jewelry, an age of accountability tied to hell, unpaid and untrained rotating ministers, and "improv preaching." It also records how a former member says she was told her faith had never been real. - **Risks and tradeoffs.** One person's memory of one congregation cannot stand for the denomination or for evangelicalism. Several details concern people who aren't present; this note keeps those to what the transcript needs. - **Bottom line.** A warm, joke-heavy testimony with a few hard passages (panic attacks about hell, a 16-year-old described as in a relationship with a 28-year-old, a peer sent to a "troubled teen" facility). Hannah makes few claims about God, healing, or doctrine as settled truth; she reports what she believed and what happened. The title's "Healed-ish" frames the series, not a claim made in this episode. ## Main content Timestamps mark the start of each transcript paragraph. Speaker names are inferred; "the host" is the interviewer. #### [00:00:00]–[00:02:09] Opening: the "Dear Daddy God" diaries - The host introduces Hannah Beck as a comedian who reads journal entries from her years as an evangelical teen "back when she thought she was straight" (the host's phrasing, [00:00:00]). - Hannah says strangers talk to her about her diaries and finds that funny. She reports two audiences: former evangelicals who say they did the same, and non-religious viewers who ask why she wrote "daddy God" ([00:01:25]). She says calling God "daddy" was a common practice in youth groups, not a personal quirk. - She gives one reason she began: a camp counselor she admired led prayers that way. > [!quote] [00:02:09] > well, if the hottest girl in the room is saying daddy God, I'm going to say daddy God. - Hannah also says she felt it made her "a better Christian" and closer to God, then adds that looking back there were "probably a lot of reasons" she did it and that people probably shouldn't have called God that. #### [00:02:09]–[00:04:59] Missionary dreams and views of Catholics - The host says her ministry school used the same "daddy" language. Both talk about wanting to be missionaries. Hannah's stated reason: she wanted to get far away while being "the best Christian in the world." The host relays another guest's idea that missions gave unmarried women independence ([00:02:52]). Hannah adds that "for me it was definitely gay reasons" and that the in-church dating pool was small ([00:03:34]). - Both say they were taught anti-Catholic sentiment, including that praying to Mary was a problem ([00:04:16]). Hannah says she wished for a Christian version of being a nun. #### [00:04:59]–[00:07:53] The church and how her family joined - Hannah names the church: the Apostolic Christian Church of America, popular in the Midwest, "not the same as Pentecostal," with sister-church ties to Mennonite communities ([00:04:59]; "Menanite" in the captions). - She was born into a Lutheran family that attended at Christmas and Easter. When she was about 9 or 10 (fourth or fifth grade), her parents joined the new church, and she says her parents' rules, parenting style, and values changed "overnight" ([00:05:42]). - She says she disliked it at first, then went "whole hog" as a coping mechanism, aiming to be the best at Bible quizzing and mission work, "almost like a competition with myself." > [!quote] [00:06:27] > I'm going to be if I have to be here I'm going to be the best apostolic Christian in the world. - A neighbor invited the family to a Christmas program; Hannah says older men from the church then asked her parents to a coffee chat, and the family joined ([00:07:11]). #### [00:07:53]–[00:10:45] What the church practiced, as Hannah describes it - Hannah lists what she says the church practiced while she was in it ([00:07:11]–[00:09:19]): an elder with the final word on marriages and some arranged pairings, large families and age-gap marriages, no lawsuits, no swearing (including "I swear" in court), no jewelry or wedding rings, no white wedding dress (off-white for a wedding, white for baptism), no wedding flowers, no photographers until after she left, no dancing, and no gay relationships. - She says the name "apostolic" was explained to her as living as close to the apostles as possible. She describes an idealized pre-technology world: most families had no TV, singing was a cappella, there were no crucifixes, and the buildings had blank walls. She calls the skepticism of modern medicine "more anecdotal" than official teaching. - She says it is "very German in nature," that a nearby German-language congregation held the same beliefs, and that it is concentrated in Illinois ([00:10:02]). #### [00:10:45]–[00:13:39] Hell, a panic attack, and OCD - Hannah says she handled the shift with "cognitive dissonance" and prayed to "daddy God" daily ([00:10:45]). - She says the church taught an "age of accountability" after which a person who died would go to hell, and that she was told on joining that she had reached it ([00:11:28]). Her "first big panic attack" followed. She told a religious leader, who told her it was the Holy Spirit urging her to give her life to Christ. She says that is how she became an official member. > [!quote] [00:12:11] > he was like that is a Holy Spirit telling you you need to give your life to Christ. - The host says a commenter was told anxiety meant a guardian angel was warning them. - Hannah says she was diagnosed with OCD "a couple years ago," is grateful for it, and as a kid took anxious or intrusive thoughts to be God's voice or her conscience ([00:12:54]). #### [00:12:54]–[00:15:04] Untrained leaders and "improv preaching" - Hannah says the congregation had an elder and four or five rotating ministers, and that none had seminary or theology training; she says the congregation voted on the roles ([00:12:54]). - She describes sermons where a minister opened the Bible and preached on wherever it fell, which she calls "improv preaching." She says she was impressed as a child, now thinks a confident man can talk for an hour on anything, and says that is not proof of being chosen by God ([00:14:21]). She also says some ministers claimed the opening was random when they had prepared. #### [00:15:04]–[00:17:53] Purity culture - Hannah recalls the toothpaste-tube illustration and a junior-high summer-camp session, at about age 11 or 12, where boys and girls were split and girls were told how much skin they showed affected men; this was when she first noticed men and women were treated differently ([00:15:04]–[00:15:46]). - She read Joshua Harris's book, the Christy Miller series (multiple times), and followed a Christian blog daily ([00:15:46]–[00:17:10]). The host says Joshua Harris apologized and had been on her podcast; Hannah says he messaged her about the Daddy God content. - Hannah says she read purity books with "fascination" because she wasn't attracted to men and "knew that mine worked differently." She says she told herself she skipped physical contact with her boyfriend out of righteousness, "the classic, I'm not gay" ([00:17:10]). The host says she has heard the same from many gay people. #### [00:17:53]–[00:20:01] Guardrails and prom - Hannah describes a video Bible study that taught never to ride in a car with someone of the opposite sex ([00:18:36]). - Her high-school best friend (named later) came out in senior year. Her parents knew he was gay and weren't okay with it, yet discussed following the car to prom. The two friends agreed beforehand not to kiss at prom because they respected each other ([00:19:18]). #### [00:20:01]–[00:21:27] First diary entry: the best friend - Hannah reads an entry about learning her best friend is gay. She says he asked her to use his real name when she tells the story; this note refers to him only as her best friend. > [!quote] [00:20:43] > Don't worry, Daddy God. I'm saving myself for marriage. - She frames the entry as wholesome, with no objection to his orientation, only to losing a possible boyfriend. #### [00:21:27]–[00:25:42] Early attraction, "Chloe," and the second entry - Hannah says she knew from about age eight or nine that she was attracted to women and "put that on a shelf" ([00:21:27]). She describes an intense friendship with a high-school best friend, "Chloe" in the transcript, whom she was devastated over when the friend got a boyfriend; in college, after a first "gay experience," she reread it as gay ([00:22:10]). - She attended public high school; she says the church-run private school was expensive and her family "was broke" ([00:22:51]). - She reads the entry that ends with "help" in capital letters ([00:23:35]). > [!quote] [00:23:35] > Dear Daddy God, just got back from Chloe's. She keeps asking if we can make out for fun. - Hannah says the friend asked to kiss her often, that the two "normalized it for each other" as something every girl feels, and that she did not think anything could be done about it in that area ([00:24:17]–[00:25:00]). The host agrees that "everyone feels that way" is an easy dismissal. #### [00:25:42]–[00:28:37] Public confessions and a first kiss - The host says male confession of sexual sin on stage was common and, in her case, felt like a "humiliation ritual." Hannah says a youth pastor confessed a porn addiction to a room of mostly middle-school girls, and calls it inappropriate ([00:25:42]). - Hannah recalls a man confessing a same-sex experience at church and the pastor then telling the congregation that his son asked whether it made him gay and that he explained it did not, that sexual things "just feel good" ([00:26:25]). - At 14, she says, she kissed a girl from her youth group on Halloween during a phone call with a friend who had a broken arm, then they "made out for like hours." She spiraled over "Am I gay?" and told herself pastors were right that it "just feels good" and that the devil makes sin pleasurable ([00:27:09]–[00:28:37]). #### [00:28:37]–[00:30:42] Present-day orientation, marriage, and performative journals - A speaker, by context Hannah, says that in the last week she thought she should recognize that she is bisexual, says she is married to a man, and says she would have dated women if she hadn't been raised as she was ([00:28:37]). The transcript has no speaker labels, so that attribution is inferred from her husband mention. - She says she met her husband when she had just started deconstructing, had panic attacks about hell during sex, and that he told her from the start he'd love her wherever she ended up ([00:29:18]–[00:30:00]). - Asked whether she was practicing for a husband, Hannah answers that her entries were "very performative" and written to justify herself to God ([00:30:00]). > [!quote] [00:30:00] > I think a lot of the things I was writing in my diary were very performative. #### [00:30:42]–[00:33:38] "A fast one on God," forgiveness, and a first girlfriend - Hannah says she assumed she could "spin the narrative" for God, then says at 12 or 14 she doesn't know what she was thinking ([00:30:42]). The host says she thought she'd "get right with God" later. - Hannah says she grew up watching men who did wrong be forgiven after apologizing, and absorbed the idea that she could "get right with God at any time." She says this is one of her bigger problems with organized Christianity because it "absolves you of having to learn and grow." The host connects it to abuse in churches and mentions a separate recording about a pastor's wife's death ([00:31:25]–[00:32:09]; "Rihanna" in the captions, likely a garbled name). - Hannah says the youth-group girl became her first girlfriend: they dated "for like a couple months" and "kissed on and off for 2 years" ([00:32:09]–[00:32:53]). She describes the fear that she could do anything "if I don't die in a horrific spontaneous death," and says she called that a poor takeaway from a religion about morality. She says that, with OCD, she wondered whether God knew she was "lying." The host adds "panopticon vibes" ([00:33:38]). #### [00:34:22]–[00:37:11] Glee - Hannah says in ninth or tenth grade a Christian friend asked for prayer and accountability because Glee was giving her "gay thoughts." Hannah says she went home and watched it herself, on a school-issued laptop, partly to understand "the devil's tactics" ([00:34:22]–[00:35:03]). - She says she and the friend both ended up "two for two" on the show prompting gay thoughts, calls the show special to her, and says she wrote fanfiction in her teens (Draco and Harry, then Brittany and Santana pairings on Wattpad and "A3") while living as a devout member ([00:35:47]–[00:36:29]). - The host reads the top comment on Hannah's Glee video as a joke naming Ryan Murphy. #### [00:37:11]–[00:40:05] Shame, confession, and a movie night - Hannah says there are diaries she will never read online. She describes writing to God every time she felt sexual desire for women, because she was ashamed of masturbation and sexuality, and ties the habit to OCD and confession culture ([00:37:11]–[00:37:56]). - She says she told the friend who'd asked for accountability to stop watching Glee while watching it herself, and invited her over for The Case for Christ to "fill our minds with holy things." She calls the movie "horrible" ([00:38:39]). #### [00:40:05]–[00:42:57] Jealousy and the double life - Hannah says she got so upset about Chloe kissing a boyfriend that she cried until she vomited, once, while babysitting ([00:40:05]). She says she told herself she was worried about the friend's purity, and now thinks she "was just deeply jealous and devastated." - She says she had a "church Hannah and a secret gay Hannah," kept separate until college ([00:40:49]). She describes letters in lockers, Snapchat streaks on a secret phone, and Scrabble-tile love poems ([00:41:32]). #### [00:42:15]–[00:45:06] The youth-group girl, a peer sent away, and future plans - Hannah says the girl she dated from her youth group later got a boyfriend, which devastated her. She says the girl was 16 and the man 28, and that she doesn't want to call it "dating" because "it's so predatory" ([00:42:15]–[00:42:57]). - She says the girl's parents "kidnapped her in the middle of the night" to a "troubled teen" facility, that Hannah thought she had died, and that after the girl returned they dated ([00:42:57]–[00:43:41]). The host calls such places "terrible" and says she wants to cover them on the show. Hannah says one other queer person from her church was also sent to one ([00:42:57]). - Hannah describes planning a future with Chloe: neighboring houses, a farm with alpacas, adopted children, husbands optional. She says now she thinks that kind of friend-parenting is "cool as hell," but then she "definitely had gay intentions" ([00:43:41]–[00:44:23]). #### [00:45:06]–[00:47:16] Safety, diaries, and women's ministry - Hannah explains why she never wrote the feelings down directly. > [!quote] [00:45:06] > my household was not a safe place to be gay. My school wasn't a safe place to be gay. My church wasn't a safe place to be gay. - She says her parents read their children's diaries, so she avoided leaving "evidence of your actual thoughts" ([00:45:48]). - She says she wanted to work in women's ministry, raised "tons of money" for a crisis pregnancy center and volunteered there, wanted to be a gynecologist as a child, and lists the center work among her regrets, calling such centers "really manipulative." The transcript gives no further detail and no response from the center ([00:45:48]–[00:46:32]). She says the underlying wish to uplift women still stands, and that she now sees part of her love of being around women as "maybe a little gay" ([00:47:16]). #### [00:47:16]–[00:49:28] Marriage expectations - Hannah says she thought 22 was the oldest age to marry and expected a proposal between 18 and 22. She describes the process: the elder phones the woman, names the proposer, and the minister blesses it. She says women could say no, but in her area they didn't ([00:47:16]–[00:48:00]). - She says older women gossiped that she and a choir classmate would make a match, and that she expected a proposal from him at 18 or 19. She adds that she can't assume anyone's sexuality ([00:48:44]). #### [00:49:28]–[00:53:04] The decision to go to college - Hannah says at 18 she chose college, which her parents did not align with, and stopped going to church during her freshman year ([00:49:28]). - She credits public school: Her best friend's family told her she was smart and treated college as expected, and teachers who knew about her "high control home situation" offered to help her apply for scholarships ([00:49:28]–[00:50:12]). She says college had stopped feeling normal once her family joined the church at 9 or 10. - She describes "helper jobs" (nurse, social worker, teacher) as the accepted paths for women, and says the stated reason to attend college was to marry ([00:50:55]). The host says she didn't attend college at first and went to ministry school; the host says she is divorced ([00:50:55]–[00:52:21]). - Hannah says her parents gave her a list of Christian colleges they'd pay for, she wanted a state-school dorm, and she paid herself. She graduated high school in 2019 ([00:52:21]). > [!quote] [00:53:04] > there are literally thousands of people, hundreds of thousands of people that espouse this belief that like women would be better off not learning. - This is an unsourced estimate; see Logical validity. #### [00:53:04]–[00:55:13] Degrees and comedy - Hannah says she studied psychology at Illinois State University, transferred to U of I, switched to cognitive neuroscience, earned a bachelor of science, began a graduate program toward psychology, and left it ([00:53:04]–[00:54:29]). She says part of the degree-chasing was a reaction to her parents not wanting her to get a degree, and that sorting out "what do I want" from what the church or the rebellion wanted was hard. Her therapist calls it "optimization OCD" ([00:54:29]). #### [00:55:13]–[00:56:42] Deconstruction and no contact - Hannah says she is still deconstructing, that her college years were bound up with going no contact with her parents ("a whole separate beast"), and that she felt "in a bit of a fog" ([00:55:13]). - She says purity-culture effects appeared when she began having sex, including crying afterward, even after not being a Christian for a couple of years, and that this led her to a therapist ([00:55:57]). The host says she has cried during sex too. Hannah says she still works on black-and-white thinking in therapy. #### [00:56:42]–[00:58:07] Why certainty appealed - Hannah says it was "fun" to be in what she calls a cult, because certainty gives a feeling of having the answers and of eternal security. > [!quote] [00:56:42] > It was fun to be in a high control religion because you truly believed that you had the answers to everything. - She says she thinks the church uses the loss of that security to discourage leaving, and says leaving is "worth it anyway" ([00:57:25]). The host says the argument that sadness proves deconstruction wrong is common. #### [00:58:07]–[01:00:17] "You were never really a Christian" - Hannah says former churchmates sent comments, DMs, and letters saying her questioning meant she was never a Christian. She says that hurt because she gave "100%" effort and had moments she felt close to God ([00:58:07]). - She says the church practices excommunication, "the same energy as shunning," and that the response was traumatic ([00:58:51]). She says she doesn't share her own current beliefs online. - She lists her past mission work in "Thailand and Peru" and asks why she did it if she was never a Christian ([00:59:34]). The host says there were good memories and that being sure you're on "the winning side" feels like being "high on life" ([01:00:17]). #### [01:00:17]–[01:01:41] Where she is now - Hannah says she is a Chicago stand-up comedian whose material covers deconstruction, religious upbringing, coming out, and being in her 20s in a city. She is planning an East Coast tour and hosts a podcast called Cross My Heart Podcast. The host says links will be in the show notes ([01:00:17]–[01:01:00]). ## Notes - **Caption damage affects names.** Names are recorded as spoken; likely corrections are my inference and queued for verification in the Fleeting Queue: "Menanite" (Mennonite), "Showquoire" (show choir), "Taylor Universe" (a Taylor-named university), "Fortune Femester," "Rihanna" (a name or word the captions may have garbled), "Britney Santana," "A3," "Watt Pad," "Amanda Seafrid," and a blog title the captions render "girl to find blog." - **No speaker labels.** The captions have 251 ">>" turn markers and no names. Where the host and guest overlap (for example [00:02:09], [00:52:21]), I attribute by context and say so. - **Names of people described.** Her high-school best friend consented to being named in the episode, per Hannah ([00:20:01]); this note leaves his name out. The transcript doesn't say whether "Chloe" and "Dylan" are real names or pseudonyms. This note leaves other described people unnamed or generic. - **What the video does not cover.** No doctrinal source for the church's positions, no statement from the church or Hannah's parents, no dates before 2019 beyond ages and school grades, and no account of how the no-contact decision was reached. - **Vault use.** For a faith-history vault the useful material is the practice list ([00:07:11]–[00:10:02]), the age-of-accountability and Holy Spirit exchange ([00:11:28]–[00:12:11]), the minister-selection and sermon description ([00:12:54]–[00:14:21]), and the "never really a Christian" exchange ([00:58:07]–[00:58:51]). Tag each as "one member's recollection." - **Content note.** The video covers panic attacks about hell, sexual shame and compulsive confession, a minor in a relationship with an adult, a peer sent to a facility, and shunning. I heard no content note in the transcript; anything on screen or in the description is unverified. ## References - Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRMsBuROxAs (Jubilee Dawn, Healed-ish Episode 97, uploaded 2026-10-06). The host says links to Hannah's work are in the show notes; the transcript carries no URLs. - Named in the video, not verified here: the Apostolic Christian Church of America; Joshua Harris's book on dating; the Christy Miller series; The Case for Christ (film); Glee; Cross My Heart Podcast (Hannah's podcast). - Verification of these items sits in the Fleeting Queue; this note cites no external page because none appears in the transcript. ## Paraphrase Hannah Beck says her family went from holiday Lutheranism to the Apostolic Christian Church of America when she was about 9 or 10, and that she responded by trying to be the best member she could. She says the church taught that a child could reach an age at which dying meant hell, that a panic attack she had about this was treated as the Holy Spirit, and that this was how she became a member. She describes leaders with no formal training who preached from wherever the Bible opened. She says purity-culture books and camp talks shaped her teens while she was privately attracted to girls and women. Her prayer journals, she says, were more performance and self-justification than confession, and she kept the real feelings out of them because her parents read them and because writing something down felt like evidence. She says Glee, fanfiction, and a close friendship formed a second life that she calls "secret gay Hannah," and that she believed God could be told after the fact. She says she chose college in 2019 with help from friends' families and teachers, left the church in her first year, and went no contact with her parents. She describes later purity-culture aftereffects, therapy, and the loss of certainty as the cost of leaving, and says some former members told her she had never really been a Christian. She now works as a comedian and podcaster. ## Newsletter Not applicable to this source. The video has no WordPress, open-source, or developer content, and a promotional blurb would flatten a personal testimony into marketing. ## Action items #### DevRel - No signal. #### OSPO - No signal. #### Community - Inference, not stated in the video: the exchange shows two listening practices that transfer to community spaces. The host asks about a belief system she doesn't know ("What did they believe?" at [00:07:11]) before comparing it to her own, and she lets Hannah correct her. A community facilitator can copy that order: ask first, relate second. - Inference: Hannah says her best friend asked to be named in the episode ([00:20:01]) and that she used a pseudonym for him before then. Moderators who share a member's hard story can follow the same rule: get consent, and say which names are changed. - Inference: the host flags pain points with laughter and then names harm plainly ("such terrible, terrible places" at [00:43:41]). A discussion thread on a hard story can pair humor with an explicit content note at the top. #### WordPress - No signal across all subteams. #### The WPOCC - No signal. ### FAIR - No signal. ## Hypotheses This source is a testimony and tests none of these; they are questions a research design could ask, not conclusions drawn from the video. - H-a: Among former members of high-control congregations, those who report a leader reframing anxiety as spiritual conviction at a young age also report more religious-themed intrusive thoughts as adults than those who don't. (Prompted by [00:12:11] and [00:12:54].) - H-b: Congregations that elect ministers without formal theological training describe sermon preparation differently from members' perceptions of it; members' recall of "the Bible just opened" matches ministers' own accounts less than half the time. (Prompted by [00:14:21].) The numeric threshold is a placeholder for testing. - H-c: People who leave a high-control church after age 18 and report a "never really a Christian" response from members rate that response as more hurtful than the loss of church membership itself. (Prompted by [00:58:07].) - H-d: Teens in tightly policed households who journal use more indirect language about private feelings when they know a parent reads the journal. (Prompted by [00:45:48].) ## Methodology - **Source type.** Single-guest, long-form interview with a host who contributes her own related experience. One data point per claim; the host's remarks can confirm common themes but are not independent evidence of Hannah's history. - **Test for H-a and H-c.** A structured interview study of former members of high-control congregations, with a validated obsessive-compulsive symptom measure for H-a and a rating scale for H-c, recruited through several channels to avoid selecting only people who post online. - **Test for H-b.** A paired interview design: interview ministers and a sample of their congregants about the same sermon, then compare accounts of preparation. - **Test for H-d.** A diary study of journaling language across households that differ in parental monitoring, with parental consent and an ethics review. - **Bias controls.** The guest's account is self-selected (she makes public content about leaving), memory spans childhood to early adulthood, and no one from the church is heard. Any test should seek accounts from current members and from leaders. ## Questions - Which of the church practices Hannah lists are official policy, and which are local custom? She flags medical skepticism as "more anecdotal" than official teaching ([00:09:19]), which suggests the line is not always clear to members. - How common is the "age of accountability" teaching in the Apostolic Christian Church of America versus other denominations? Hannah says it was "pie in the sky" for this church ([00:11:28]); the transcript gives no source text. - What did the church's membership process require? Hannah describes becoming "officially" a member through a panic attack, not through a stated course of instruction ([00:12:11]). - How do former members and current members of the same congregation describe the "never really a Christian" claim? The video has one side. - What would a content note for this episode need to list? The host does not give one in the transcript. ## Future research - **Gap:** a primary-source comparison of the practices Hannah lists against the church's own published statements. The video can point to what to look for, not what the church teaches. - **Gap:** other first-person accounts from the same denomination, to see which details recur (age of accountability, minister selection, arranged-ish marriage) and which are one person's experience. - **Direction:** an oral-history style collection on diary-keeping among teens in monitored households, since Hannah's evidence is that her entries were partly written for a reader (God, or a parent). - **Direction:** how "deconstruction" content creators describe their own content. Hannah says she does not share her current beliefs online ([00:58:51]), which matters for how her videos should be read. ## Implications - **Practice (faith-history study).** Treat this as a recollection with dates, ages, and practices to cross-check, not as a description of the denomination. Pair it with the church's own materials. - **Practice (interviewing).** The most useful follow-up questions the interview did not ask: which parts of the church's teaching were written down versus said aloud, and what the church's response was to her leaving beyond letters and comments. The interview moves on after several hard passages ([00:42:57], [00:46:32]) without asking. - **Care.** Hannah describes a minor, a facility, and shunning. Notes drawn from this video should keep third parties generic. - **Policy and funding.** None stated in the video. ## Learning styles assessment - **Reading level (computed).** Flesch-Kincaid grade 4.8 and Flesch reading ease 84.6, from 13,333 words and about 979 sentence-like units. Caption punctuation is unreliable, so treat these as a floor: spoken conversational English with short clauses and few technical terms. Terms that carry load (age of accountability, excommunication, deconstruction, optimization OCD) are used without definition. #### Visual learners - Present: unknown from the transcript; the video has diary pages read aloud, which probably appear on screen but can't be verified. - Improve: on-screen captions for journal quotes and a timeline of ages and events. #### Aural learners - Present: strong. The whole episode is conversation, with laughter and tone carrying meaning (30 "[laughter]" tags). - Improve: a 2-3 minute audio summary of the church-practice list for listeners who want only that part. #### Verbal learners - Present: good. Vivid concrete examples (toothpaste tube, prom, alpaca farm, "improv preaching") and plain definitions of church rules. - Improve: a glossary for denominational and community terms. #### Kinesthetic learners - Present: none; no tasks, exercises, or demonstrations. - Improve: a reflection worksheet that does not ask viewers to disclose their own history. #### Logical learners - Present: some. The motivation chain (best Christian, missionary, top student, optimization) is stated as a pattern ([00:53:47]). - Improve: a dated timeline: age 9 or 10 joins church, age 14 first kiss, 2019 high-school graduation. #### Social learners - Present: strong. Two people compare experiences and invite viewer comments. - Improve: a moderated discussion thread with a content note. #### Solitary learners - Present: moderate. Self-reflective passages ("I don't know why that happened psychologically"). - Improve: private journaling prompts. #### Naturalistic learners - Present: none. - Improve: not applicable. ## Accessibility assessment Assessed on the video as captured in the transcript. Only auto-captions were available; I could not see the screen, so anything visual is unverified. #### Screen reader semantics - Present: the video's title and the transcript are text. Chapter markers: unverified. - Gap: no speaker labels, so a screen-reader or caption user cannot tell host from guest across 251 turn markers. WCAG 1.3.1 Info and Relationships (A) and 2.4.6 Headings and Labels (AA) are the nearest criteria. #### Keyboard navigation - Unverified. Depends on the YouTube player. WCAG 2.1.1 Keyboard (A) and 2.4.7 Focus Visible (AA) apply to the player, not the video's content. #### Contrast and readability - Unverified. Any on-screen diary text would need 4.5:1 contrast under WCAG 1.4.3 Contrast (Minimum) (AA); I couldn't check. #### Text resizing and reflow - Unverified for burned-in text. The transcript text itself reflows. WCAG 1.4.4 Resize Text (AA) and 1.4.10 Reflow (AA) apply to any caption or on-screen text. #### Media and captions - Present: auto-captions with sound tags for 30 "[laughter]", 2 "[music]", and 2 "[gasps]". - Gap: caption accuracy. The captions garble proper nouns (see Notes), which falls short of WCAG 1.2.2 Captions (Prerecorded) (A), which expects accurate captions. No audio description is evident for what is visible; 1.2.5 Audio Description (Prerecorded) (AA) applies if the diary pages carry information not spoken. The diary entries are read aloud, so little visual-only content is likely. - Improve: reviewed captions, speaker labels, and a downloadable transcript. #### Forms and interactions - Not applicable to the video itself. Comment and live-show interactions are on the platform. #### Standards reference - WCAG 2.2 AA mapping: 1.2.2 (captions), 1.2.5 (audio description), 1.3.1 (speaker identification as information), 1.4.3, 1.4.4, 1.4.10, 2.1.1, 2.4.6, 2.4.7. Unverified items need a viewing pass. ## DEIB assessment #### Cultural breadth - Present: one regional and denominational culture (a German-heritage, Midwest, Illinois-centered church) described in detail; mentions of mission work in Thailand and Peru; a Lutheran background; Catholic comparison. - Gap: no non-US or non-Christian voices. The host and guest are both former evangelicals, and the video makes no attempt at breadth. #### Inclusive language - Present: both speakers use "gay," "queer," and "bisexual" in a self-affirming way; Hannah avoids assuming other people's orientation ("I can't assume someone's sexuality," [00:48:44]). - Gap: casual language about other groups, such as "cult" for the church and "gross" for specific behaviors, and jokes about Catholics and about "Christian movies." The speakers use these as their own judgments. #### Neurodiversity support - Present: Hannah names OCD and links it to the scrupulosity she describes; the host does not treat it as a character flaw. - Gap: no chaptering is evident; the conversation is long and associative, with topic shifts at [00:34:22] and [00:45:48]. A hard-to-follow structure for viewers who need it. #### Representation - Present: a queer woman's perspective on conservative religion; a host who shares her own history. - Gap: the people who hold the church's views are heard only through Hannah. The transcript does not identify race, disability, or class beyond Hannah saying her family "was broke." #### Psychological safety - Present: both speakers are supportive, humor is shared and never directed at the guest, and the host names hard topics ("so heavy," "terrible") with care. - Gap: no content note in the transcript for panic attacks about hell, an age-gap relationship involving a minor, a facility, and shunning. Viewers with similar histories get no warning; confirm whether the description or an on-screen card provides one. ## Logical validity The episode is a testimony, not an argument. Hannah reports what she believed and experienced; she does not assert, as settled, that God exists or doesn't, that any doctrine is false, or that healing occurs. Judging it as a debate would misread it. The checks below separate testimony (first-person report, assessed on consistency and hedging) from assertion (claims about the world or other people stated as fact). #### Strong reasoning - **Consistent first-person chronology.** The same motive recurs without strain: the competitive drive to be the best member ([00:06:27]) reappears as missionary ambition ([00:02:52]), as top-of-class study ([00:49:28]), and as a degree-chasing pattern her therapist names ([00:54:29]). Hannah checks it herself: "I realized that so much of that was like a reaction to the way I grew up" ([00:53:47]). This is strong inductive self-reporting, though it rests on her memory. - **Retrospective reinterpretation marked as such.** She separates what she told herself ("I was concerned about her purity") from what she now thinks ("deeply jealous and devastated," [00:40:05]). Flagging the later view as later is the correct handling. - **Hedged speculation.** Phrases like "I don't know why that happened psychologically" ([00:10:45]) and "I don't know if this is true or not" ([00:31:25]) label inference as inference. These are not fallacies. - **Own counterevidence acknowledged.** On improv preaching she adds that some ministers did prepare ([00:14:21]) and that she "genuinely had moments" of closeness to God ([00:58:07]). - **Mechanism with a clear shape.** The Holy Spirit exchange ([00:12:11]) shows a reading under which anxiety counts as evidence for a particular response whether or not it occurs for another reason. As reported, any anxiety confirms the interpretation. Hannah doesn't argue this; the structure is visible in what she reports. #### Fallacies - **Hasty generalization, [00:31:25].** She moves from how her church treated apologies to "organized Christianity as a whole" and says the idea "absolves you of having to learn." One congregation plus one caveat ("that's how I experienced it growing up") is the sample. Severity is low because she hedges. Fix: "in the church I grew up in." - **Unsupported numeric claim asserted as settled, [00:53:04].** "Thousands of people, hundreds of thousands of people" who believe women are better off not learning. No source or definition of "espouse" appears. This is the clearest unsupported assertion in the video, and nothing in the transcript backs it. Fix: cite a survey, or say "I know many." - **Attributing inner states to others, [00:13:39].** She says ministers are "listening to their own intuition which they think is the voice of God." She supports it with the observation that sermons began from a random page and ran an hour, and concedes some were prepared, which makes this a reasonable inference, not a fallacy; it would be one if stated without that support. Fix: "it looked to me like." - **Attributed motive, [00:56:42].** "I think the church kind of uses that to keep you in it." She attributes intent to an institution; the "I think" hedges it. Fix: separate the observable effect (leaving feels worse) from the claimed purpose. - **Reported No True Scotsman, [00:58:07].** Former churchmates, as Hannah reports them, say her questioning proves she was never a Christian; the host restates it as "[they] could never not believe because they are believers" ([00:58:51]). The move redefines "Christian" after the fact so that no counterexample can count. The transcript gives only Hannah's report of it, not the senders' own words. Fix when quoting: attribute to "Hannah says they wrote." - **Reported affirming-the-consequent, [00:57:25].** The host reports the claim that if deconstruction were good, a person wouldn't feel sad. As reported, it takes sadness as proof of error without testing other causes of sadness. > [!quote] [00:57:25] > Like the fact that you feel sad shows that we're right. - The host's reply ("But no") is an assertion, not an argument. That is fine for a conversational aside. - **Hyperbole used as a general claim, [00:35:47].** "No one's hornier than a middle schooler" is a comic generalization, not an argued claim; I list it so no one cites it as one. #### Tone of voice - Warm, fast, and self-deprecating. Hannah uses jokes to carry hard material, then often drops the joke for a plain sentence ("it's so predatory," [00:42:57]; "that experience for me was very traumatic," [00:58:51]). - The host affirms and mirrors, with occasional loaded phrasing ("Isn't it horrible that it really just affirms your anxiety?" at [00:12:11]) that works as sympathy, not as a premise. - Both speakers sound confident about their own experience and tentative about others' motives. ## DARVO analysis DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) describes how an accused person responds to an accountability claim. The video has no formal accusation of one named person; what it contains is Hannah's report of how people in her former church responded when she left and questioned. The only account in the transcript is Hannah's, supported by the host's agreement. The congregants, leaders, and parents appear only as Hannah describes them, and no reply from any of them is recorded. - **Deny.** Hannah says former members told her her faith was never real ([00:58:07]; the church "no longer believe[s] that you ever had a relationship with Jesus," [00:58:51]). In DARVO terms that is a denial of her lived record. Whether it was meant as a denial of her account or as a doctrinal conclusion is not in the transcript. > [!quote] [00:58:51] > we no longer believe that you ever had a relationship with Jesus because now you are questioning it - **Attack.** The same messages undercut her credibility, and she says the church practices excommunication that "gives the same energy as shunning" ([00:58:07]). That is her characterization; the church's stated rule is not in the transcript. - **Reverse victim and offender.** The host describes the move that treats a leaver's sadness as proof the leaver is wrong ([00:57:25]), and a separate recording where forgiveness was "used as a tool" for a different case ([00:32:09]). Neither is a reversal of victim and offender in this story. The transcript shows no passage where those who criticized Hannah present themselves as the wronged party. - **Assessment.** Two of the three elements (denial of her faith history, credibility attack) are reported secondhand and fit Hannah's description of the response to her leaving. The third has no support here. This is not a clean DARVO case and I can't adjudicate it from one side. - **Her own accountability language.** Hannah names her own conduct without defense: she "pulled a fast one" on God, lied to a friend about watching Glee, and misread her own jealousy as concern for a friend's purity ([00:30:42], [00:38:39], [00:40:05]). That is the opposite of denial. - **Not a verdict.** I add no judgment on the church, her parents, or the people who wrote to her. ## Conclusion - **Bottom line.** Hannah Beck gives a dated, self-aware account of growing up in one Midwest church, hiding her attractions, leaving for college in 2019, and being told afterward that her faith had never been real. The episode works as primary testimony for a faith-history vault: it records practices, ages, and phrases, and holds them as memory, not doctrine. - **What to carry forward.** The practice list ([00:07:11]–[00:10:02]), the age-of-accountability and Holy Spirit exchange ([00:11:28]–[00:12:11]), the minister-selection description ([00:12:54]), and the "never really a Christian" report ([00:58:07]). - **What to hold loosely.** Her generalizations about "organized Christianity" and the unsourced population estimate at [00:53:04]. - **Next steps.** Verify the caption-garbled names, find the church's own published teaching to compare against her list, and keep the third parties she describes generic in any note. - **Unfilled.** No source in the transcript for the church's official positions, and no response from any person criticized. ## Refactor Appendix ### Literature atoms #### [H1] Panic attack about hell is reframed as the Holy Spirit > [!quote] [00:12:11] > he was like that is a Holy Spirit telling you you need to give your life to Christ. **Context and use**: - Hannah's report of a leader's answer after she described a panic attack about hell at about age 9 to 10; she says this led to her formal membership. Testimony, one congregation. - Use as an example of a reading under which anxiety counts as spiritual evidence; keep attribution to Hannah's recollection.  #### [H2] You can get right with God at any time > [!quote] [00:31:25] > you can get right with God at any time. So, like as long as I tell you after, it's good. **Context and use**: - Hannah describes the belief she says she absorbed about forgiveness after the fact; she hedges that she doesn't know if the pattern is universal. - Use to separate her lived reasoning from her generalization about "organized Christianity."  #### [H3] Certainty felt good inside a high-control church > [!quote] [00:56:42] > It was fun to be in a high control religion because you truly believed that you had the answers to everything. **Context and use**: - Hannah's retrospective on why certainty and eternal security appealed; she says leaving meant losing that. - Useful for any note on why people stay in or return to tight communities.  #### [H4] Former members called her faith never real > [!quote] [00:58:07] > all of these people that I used to be so close with just suddenly believing that I am that I was never really part of it at all. **Context and use**: - Hannah's account of letters and comments after she began questioning, plus excommunication she says works like shunning; one-sided, no reply from the senders. - Pair with the logical-validity note on No True Scotsman, attributed as reported.  #### [H5] A closeted teen stayed out of her own diary > [!quote] [00:45:06] > my household was not a safe place to be gay. My school wasn't a safe place to be gay. My church wasn't a safe place to be gay. **Context and use**: - Hannah explains why her diaries never named her feelings directly, and adds that her parents read the diaries ([00:45:48]). - Use as the key to reading her "Dear Daddy God" entries: performative, not transparent.  ### Atomic Split Pad #### [P1] A diary written to a watching reader records what the writer wants seen **Claim** (one sentence): A journal addressed to a reader the writer fears, whether God or a parent, shows the writer's self-presentation more than their private state. **Evidence pointer**: [[#H5]]; Hannah says the entries were "very performative" ([00:30:00]). **Scope and conditions**: Holds for this writer by her own account; not a general claim about all journals. **Links**: - [[#H5]] — because extends  #### [P2] Testimony establishes an experience, not a denomination's teaching **Claim** (one sentence): A former member's account tells you what one person experienced and remembers, so a statement about the church's official teaching needs a source from the church. **Evidence pointer**: [[#H1]] and [[#H4]]; Hannah's own note that some practices were "more anecdotal" than official teaching ([00:09:19]). **Scope and conditions**: Applies to any single-informant source in a faith-history note. **Links**: - [[#H1]] — because applies-in  ### Fleeting Queue - [F1] Verify "Menanite" (Mennonite), "Showquoire" (show choir), and "Taylor Universe" against the video audio — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRMsBuROxAs at [00:04:59], [00:39:21], [00:51:38] #fleeting #inbox - [F2] Verify the name the captions render "Rihanna" and the comedian rendered "Fortune Femester" — [00:32:09], [00:40:05] #fleeting #inbox - [F3] Verify the blog the captions render "girl to find blog," "Britney Santana," "A3," "Watt Pad," and "Amanda Seafrid" — [00:16:27], [00:35:47], [00:37:11] #fleeting #inbox - [F4] Confirm whether "Chloe" and "Dylan" are real names or pseudonyms before reusing them anywhere — [00:23:35] #fleeting #inbox - [F5] Find the Apostolic Christian Church of America's own published statements on the age of accountability, marriage, and dress to compare with Hannah's list — [00:07:11]–[00:12:11] #fleeting #inbox - [F6] Check the video description for a content note and for Hannah's linked pages — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRMsBuROxAs #fleeting #inbox ### → Things 3 (max 2 actions) - [ ] Verify the caption-garbled names in the Hannah Beck analysis against the video audio — Healed-ish 97, hRMsBuROxAs #things - [ ] Find the Apostolic Christian Church of America's published teaching to compare with Hannah's practice list — Healed-ish 97 #things  📄 **Full text:** [[Full Document Contents/Articles/Dear Daddy God.... (Hannah Beck's Story) Healed-Ish Episode 97.md|Dear Daddy God.... (Hannah Beck's Story) | Healed-Ish: Episode 97 by Jubilee Dawn]] ## Highlights - [00:11:28] dissonance that I assume a lot of other people have experienced as well. >> Yeah. Well, what were you told about hell and did this sector believe in the rapture? >> Yes, rapture. Um, hell was hell. My first panic attack was about hell and it happened after I joined the apostolic church. And hell wasn't something I ever thought about before I joined. But I know different churches feel differently about this, but the apostolic church definitely believed in the age of accountability as a sort of pie in the sky concept of that there is an age at which God decides that you are guilty for your sins and that if you go to hell, like if you die, you'll go to hell instead of heaven because you've reached the age of accountability. And so I I I don't remember much about the teachings about hell other than when I joined, I was told that I had reached the age of accountability and so if I died, I would [00:12:11] go to hell. And that was my first big panic attack which which then I told a religious leader about like I had this big feeling the other night. I thought I was going to die and he was like that is a Holy Spirit telling you you need to give your life to Christ. So that's like how I joined the like became a member officially of the apostolic church was because I had a panic attack about hell. >> Isn't it horrible that it really just affirms your anxiety? So you're sitting there spinning about hell and he's like actually that's good. That means it's the Holy Spirit. I I got a comment from somebody recently where they said that they were told that if they had anxiety, it's because their guardian angel was trying to warn them about something and that would have killed me. [laughter] It's horrible. I a couple years ago, I ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01m48xd6t706t3yvhmzwwsgwv5)) - Note: [H1] Panic attack about hell is reframed as the Holy Spirit - Tags: atom/literature/h1 - [00:31:25] true or not, but I had this idea too of like really bad guys in my church would exist would get called out for doing bad things and then if they apologized, everyone would forgive them because God forgave them. And so I also I think subconsciously had this also idea of you can get right with God at any time. So, like as long as I tell you after, it's good. Which I think this is one of my bigger problems with organized Christianity as a whole as well is the lack of accountability that a lot of people it just like absolves you of having to learn and grow from your mistakes. If you're like, "Well, God forgave me." That's how I experienced it growing up. So, that's also something I think that was baking in my brain when I was trying to pull a fast one on God was we'll get we'll get back in touch eventually. Like, we'll we will realign. [00:32:09] But yeah, that thought process can be so toxic when it comes to abusers and such in the church. I just recorded today with Rihanna about the death of a pastor's wife. Did you see? >> Yeah, I don't watch I don't watch Christian documentaries. [laughter] I've tried and something I just I already know about it and I don't want to watch it again. Um but I saw I see I've seen clips of that one. >> It's so heavy, you know, and he really used forgiveness as a tool for that. But going back to what you were saying, I think I thought the same thing because I made out with her and then we actually did end up dating. She was my first girlfriend. >> Oh my god. You had a girlfriend? >> I did. So we we dated for like a couple months, but we we like kissed on and off ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01m48xd97ya0qecq5e2k5e6t2w)) - Note: [H2] You can get right with God at any time - Tags: atom/literature/h2 - [00:44:23] didn't have husbands it'd be fine cuz we were going to adopt the kids but it was we like were planning a future together in a way that I think confused 15-year-olds would um plan a future together and like yeah that's just what you do with your best friends as you grow old and you live on a farm together and raise kids. And I do like currently actually think a lot differently about my friendships in terms of like I know people that have raised kids with friends before and I think that's cool as hell and fine, but at the time I definitely had gay intentions about it, you know? >> Yeah. And I think that that's why people love your videos so much cuz you're always open with uh things that I wrote when I thought I was straight. And it's so funny looking at it in hindsight being like these are some pretty gay plans that you have going on. [laughter] >> Yeah. And I think so much of it comes [00:45:06] from like my household was not a safe place to be gay. My school wasn't a safe place to be gay. My church wasn't a safe place to be gay. So I just think I like I said I like put it on a shelf and regardless of how gay the things I was doing were, I would not have dared write down that I was having homosexual feelings for another person. Like I would never want there to be evidence of that anywhere. So, I have to look back like I don't remember what I was feeling 10 years ago, but I have to believe that it was at some point I was thinking gay things, but I just didn't want a record of it, you know? >> Yeah. If you write it down, then God would know. >> Yeah. Then it'll exist. Well, also I had I had like parents that would read our diaries as well, so it was very much like don't ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01m48xdgvep2p5t3z6arbh1zy5)) - Note: [H5] A closeted teen stayed out of her own diary - Tags: atom/literature/h3 - [00:55:57] years. started having sex and then didn't even know that was like still in my body as a reaction I could have like that really caught me off guard and that was a big pivot in like oh I need to see a therapist like this is this is bad. Um I had a my best friend was I had like some really great friends in college that were instrumental in helping me unlearn stuff cuz I think so much of stuff that I still work on in therapy is just about black and white thinking. The idea that there is like objective truth, objective right, objective wrong. because just so often there is not there is no objective 100% right answer. A lot of times in situations where one person has hurt another person, maybe they both hurt each other a little bit. Like there's just it's so hard to look at the it's it's honestly, okay, [laughter] [00:56:42] I say this as a joke, but it was there's truth to it. It was like fun. I say it was like fun to be in a cult. It was fun to be in a high control religion because you truly believed that you had the answers to everything. Like it is a very easy way. It's attractive like to process life and like there are horrible things going on in the world right now. There are things that don't make any sense. To believe that you have the keys that can make sense of all of that and that you're going to get out of it with eternity in the pearly gates is awesome. Like that that feels so good. And it's really hard to get out of the church and realize that you no longer have that sense of like eternal security anymore. Like to not have that. I don't know. I think the church kind of uses that to keep you in it cuz they're like it's ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01m48xdbqyzpq2erjzgf8f1hnd)) - Note: [H3] Certainty felt good inside a high-control church - Tags: atom/literature/h3 - [00:57:25] going to feel worse when you leave. Like I guess you can leave if you want and question things but it's going to suck. And obviously it's going to suck because I I no longer believe 100% that I have the right answers to everything. But I just think it's so worth it anyway to go through the deconstruction process. >> Well, absolutely. And I think so often you hear people say like, "Well, if this was the truth, if deconstruction or anything like that was a good path to go down, then you wouldn't feel sad." Like the fact that you feel sad shows that we're right. But no, >> I really struggled with that. Also, the I would get comments or like DMs, even letters from people I used to go to church with, which was really scary of like, if you're acting this way, it means that you were never really a [00:58:07] Christian in the first place. Those ones, I remember, hurt me so bad cuz I, like I said, I went 100% at like trying to be the most devout Christian person possible. I was reading my Bible and doing the most service. And I genuinely had moments where I did feel close to God and spiritually moved by my relationship with God. And so to have all of that be for nothing because I started to question whether or not the church was valid just like shattered me. I had a really hard time with like all of these people that I used to be so close with just suddenly believing that I am that I was never really part of it at all. Is just like it's such a nasty way to discredit someone. And the church also practices excommunication. And so like if you do XYZ things wrong, it's ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01m48xdect3a48ak8d1as69gtv)) - Note: [H4] Former members called her faith never real - Tags: atom/literature/h3