How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable  ## Metadata - Author: [[Suzette Haden Elgin]] | [[3. Resources/Authors/Suzette Haden Elgin|Suzette Haden Elgin]] - Full Title: How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable - Category: #books - Kindle: [Open in Kindle](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003STD46W) - Document Tags: [[Leadership]] ## Document Notes ## Highlights - 1. Is hostile language bad? ([Location 235](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=235)) - 2. Is hostile language necessary? ([Location 238](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=238)) - 3. Why do we use hostile language? For what reasons and purposes? Why are we so fond of it? ([Location 243](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=243)) - 4. What are the alternatives to hostile language? What can we use in its place? ([Location 252](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=252)) - It took us decades to realize that when every individual insists on a personal right to pollute the environment on a very small scale, it adds up to pollution on an enormous scale. ([Location 303](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=303)) - One reason for our indifference to the language environment is what is called “the tragedy of the commons.” ([Location 317](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=317)) - “Communication is vitally linked to our bodies and is probably the single most important force that influences our health or lack of health.... ([Location 396](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=396)) - Constant sarcasm, constant belittling, constant nagging, are just as dangerous as the constant shouted obscenities that are more common as part of a pattern of physical abuse. ([Location 408](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=408)) - Good technical and intellectual skills and good test scores will still get you a job. But succeeding in that job, moving ahead in it—even just keeping it—now depend on emotional skills. ([Location 444](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=444)) - These skills are your ability to control your feelings, to put off instant pleasure for long-term good, to understand and “read” other people, to make yourself understood and respected ... your “EQ.” ([Location 445](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=445)) - your language behavior is the model for the young people who are watching you and listening to you. ([Location 470](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=470)) - Far more common are people who use hostile language as a way of proving to themselves (and sometimes to others) that they have the power to get and hold another person’s attention. ([Location 810](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=810)) - They’ve learned that hostile language does reliably cause other people to pay attention to them, ([Location 813](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=813)) - feedback loops; I base what I say to you on what I understood you to say to me, and vice versa. ([Location 823](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=823)) - “three-part assertion message.” ([Location 898](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=898)) - An example of an I-message would be “When you forget to water the tomatoes, I feel angry”; Dr. Gordon added a third part that contains the real-world consequences of such behavior, ([Location 899](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=899)) - Every part of the message has to be concrete and verifiable in the real world—as ([Location 900](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=900)) - and it has to be free of moral judgments. ([Location 901](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=901)) - What really happens when you listen is that you generate utterances of your own right along with the speaker, based on what you already know about him or her and about your language and the situation. ([Location 1027](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=1027)) - In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true and try to imagine what it might be true of. ([Location 1050](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=1050)) - The research of James Lynch has proved that real listening is good for your health. ([Location 1091](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=1091)) - relaxes you; it improves your blood pressure and heart rate and the flow of all the chemicals that go with improved blood pressure and heart rate. It produces a relaxation response. ([Location 1091](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=1091)) - how interested the listener is in the topic, and the amount of power the speaker has over the listener. ([Location 1136](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=1136)) - Become consciously aware of the DISAGREEMENT IS COMBAT metaphor and its consequences. ([Location 1405](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=1405)) - Set that metaphor aside for a new one (like DISAGREEMENT IS CARPENTRY). • Learn and use the alternatives to verbal force. ([Location 1406](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B003STD46W&location=1406))