Low-Demand Parenting  ## Metadata - Author: [[Amanda Diekman]] | [[3. Resources/Authors/Amanda Diekman|Amanda Diekman]] - Full Title: Low-Demand Parenting - Category: #books - Kindle: [Open in Kindle](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BSVNZ7GF) - Document Tags: [[Parenting]] ## Document Notes ## Highlights - PDA is a neurobiological condition that wires with an extreme and pervasive need for autonomy and control. Any perceived threats to that freedom produce a panic-driven anxiety reaction. PDAers will fight, flee, faint, or fawn as if their lives literally depend on it. ([Location 184](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=184)) - I am doing my best, all the time. ([Location 200](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=200)) - Our struggling children need us to trust them. They need us to see them. They need us to release our projections and expectations and the hopes and dreams we’ve held onto. They need us to accept them, right where they are. ([Location 218](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=218)) - Low-demand parenting requires radical acceptance. It says to the kid right in front of you: I see you, just as you are. I will release all the projections, shoulds, hopes, and dreams I’ve held tightly to. I will let go of all the plans I’ve made for you. And instead, I will see where you are, right now, and accept that this is an ok place to be. You are ok here. I love you right here. ([Location 219](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=219)) - Now I believe that kids desperately need to know that their adults are with them, that we see and honor their effort, and that we can change for them. ([Location 229](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=229)) - To stand with your child, just as they are, in radical acceptance, is one of the hardest things a parent can do. OUR FIRST SUCCESS ([Location 232](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=232)) - The experience of hunger is an internal demand and produces anxious resistance in my boy. He raged against this pressure to fuel his body, but then the hunger fuelled more rages. ([Location 248](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=248)) - Note: Shiloh has reacted to food in this same way. - The most important thing a parent can do when children are having a hard time is stay connected. ([Location 318](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=318)) - Regulation is the ability to manage and control stress. When we are dysregulated, or unable to manage stressors, we also lose the ability to use self-control.10 Therefore, on a brain level, kids who are stressed are not able to make the best choices. When we disconnect from kids, this greatly exacerbates their stress, which then makes them more likely to act in ways that we would call “bad behavior.” This behavior is actually a stress response, not a behavioral one. If their brains were calm and regulated, managing their stress well, they would show the positive behaviors that adults want to see. In a cruel twist, when adults punish stress behaviors with disconnection, it ramps up children’s stress, leading to more stress behaviors, and more punishment. It is a downward spiral of disconnection and pain. ([Location 335](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=335)) - You are not causing your child’s difficult behavior by giving in to their demands. ([Location 350](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=350)) - We have reframed our children’s meltdowns as panic attacks, which on a brain level, they are.12 ([Location 354](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=354)) - Can you stay connected, even when the signs of their distress are distressing to you? ([Location 368](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=368)) - Your brain will literally be better wired to handle these meltdowns, as you stay in your calm pathway, instead of going into the survival pathway. This may seem impossible at first—and this may be a sign of trauma. What you’ve lived through may be clinically severe, and you may need to get more support. I have had an intensive season of therapy to heal from my pain and parenting PTSD. I used trauma-informed yoga,15 EMDR,16 Somatic Experiencing,17 Neurofeedback18 and Polyvagel Listening therapy (like the Safe and Sound Protocol)19 to heal. ([Location 374](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=374)) - Kids sense our energy deeply and are always scanning to see if they are safe. Shame is a corrosive emotion that thrives in secrecy. Even a whiff of shame and your child may shut down (or explode at you). ([Location 1530](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1530)) - Being proactive will bring you the greatest freedom. Explain your deep why to your children and bring them in on your choice. It’s a great moment to share a transformation in your own thinking. Your children will get a sense of what it looks like for an adult to change their mind. ([Location 1550](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1550)) - In the moment, we choose connection and release expectations. ([Location 1562](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1562)) - What do you wish they would do that they never do? What do you have to ask of them over and over? Where do you think your partner is wrong and you are right? What topics bring up resentment between you? If you could wave a magic wand and change one thing about co-parenting with partner, what would it be? When you are stressed with your kids, what do you try to control about your partner? ([Location 1764](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1764)) - Expectations are the breeding ground for anger and resentment and the potential for suffering when my expectations are not met. I can poison my relationships when I continually try to change others to meet my expectations. ([Location 1770](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1770)) - The belief embedded in low-demand parenting is that we can be met and loved at the place of our deep need without asking our partner to meet our expectation or fulfill our demand. We can be loved, listened to, and trusted, no matter what happens with our child. But before you demand that your partner listen to you, you will instead work on your own listening posture. You will model the kind of empathetic listening that your partner truly needs. Not necessarily how you would want to be listened to, but how your partner wants to be listened to. ([Location 1812](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1812)) - genuine listening led me home. ([Location 1831](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1831)) - You do need to respect that these concerns are real for them and remember that it takes real courage and trust to share our true concerns. Your partner is loving you with their trust. ([Location 1860](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1860)) - you proactively shift your expectations to focus on what matters most ([Location 1867](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1867)) - the waiting and the listening will be the hard part. ([Location 1877](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1877)) - You want to jump to your concerns and your ideas. You’re bursting with things to say and getting peace with listening will be your big hurdle. ([Location 1877](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1877)) - others will struggle with the faith that it is worth it, that any listening or speaking will produce meaningful change, that there is any way out of the awful place you are in right now. ([Location 1881](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1881)) - Note: This is our parenting dynamic - What emotion do I feel when I imagine sharing my deep why and my needs with my partner? Where do I feel this emotion in my body? Are there words or phrases that go along with it? Whose voice is speaking those words? Mine? Someone else’s? What do I need to feel supported enough to share? ([Location 1896](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1896)) - He didn’t have to believe me. He just had to trust that I believed this, and that any solution needed to account for my belief. ([Location 1905](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1905)) - Stating our needs is an affirmation of our full humanity and our right to exist, which is a direct challenge to the forces that keep the status quo. ([Location 1912](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1912)) - It is never too late to try communicating in a new way. It is never too late to try a low-demand, low judgment, high communication, high compassion approach. ([Location 1952](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1952)) - become a warrior for your own needs. This is where you love yourself into thriving. This is when you insist (to yourself) that you too are worthy of the same amount of love and accommodation you readily pour out onto your children. ([Location 1985](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=1985)) - we could not offer freedom and acceptance to each other, or our children, until we gave it to ourselves. Self-acceptance is the key to unlock the whole low-demand parenting approach. ([Location 2038](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=2038)) - When we surround our own vulnerabilities and needs with compassion and acceptance, we have a well of grace to extend that same acceptance to our partner. ([Location 2040](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=2040)) - My children can change radically, and I will be here for them. ([Location 2147](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B0BSVNZ7GF&location=2147))