573- Social Emotional Learning Techniques for Students With ADHD  ## Metadata - Author: [[ADHD Experts Podcast]] - Full Title: 573- Social Emotional Learning Techniques for Students With ADHD - Category: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/adc3a827-8dc7-4970-856f-d8938c8bbc5f ## Document Notes ## Highlights - **SEL Trumps Academics For Life Outcomes** - Social-emotional skills predict success and happiness more than academics. - Teach these skills to everyone regardless of diagnostic labels to improve functioning. Transcript: Steven Tobias Okay. So we're going to, oh, let me start with by saying, I was told you're already familiar with ADHD. So actually, I'm glad I don't have to define ADHD. Because after having worked in this field for about 40 years, I'm actually less and less sure of what it is. You know, sometimes I think that everybody has it, especially if you listen to influencers on social media. Sometimes I think that nobody has it and the whole issue is exaggerated, especially influencers on social media. Sometimes I think medication is over-prescribed. Sometimes I think it's underutilized. Sometimes I think ADHD is a strength and sometimes I think it's a disability. But most of the time, I'm just trying to figure out the person in front of me in my office and what their individual needs are. But for my talk today, the good news is that everybody needs social emotional skills, and we don't have to label anybody to recognize the importance of these skills and order them to Function in life. ([Time 0:02:07](https://share.snipd.com/snip/841d4bed-8b85-49ee-8fed-4e75989df93d)) - **ADHD Impacts Emotion And Cue Awareness** - ADHD worsens emotion regulation because emotions are strong impulses and attention to cues is low. - Address skill development regardless of diagnostic cause to help emotional control. Transcript: Steven Tobias And that's for two main reasons that Carol just touched on. One is that emotions are very strong impulses. You know, and when you have difficulty with impulse control, you have difficulty coping with emotions. One of the confusing things about diagnosing ADHD is whether the intense emotional responses are due to a lack of impulse control associated with ADHD, or it's the intensity of the Emotion due to an emotional difficulty, such as bipolar disorder. So in terms of medication, this distinction really matters. It's very significant. But in terms of social-emotional development, I just want to say that etiology doesn't matter because what we're going to do is we're going to focus on skill development, really not The why of the problem. The second difficulty that people with ADHD have with social emotional skills, it has to do with inattention to subtle social cues. You know, often people with ADHD find themselves in trouble and don't know how they got there. You know, all of a sudden people are, you know, upset, you know, mad at them and, you know, they don't know why. ([Time 0:03:33](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b902229d-540b-4755-912f-0ca62294b6bf)) - **Think First, Respond Deliberately** - Plan deliberate, organized, systematic teaching rather than reacting emotionally. - Think about which strategy to use ahead of stressful moments: do what you think, not what you feel. Transcript: Steven Tobias And I do wish I had quick and easy answers for you. But unfortunately, teaching these skills, you know, takes a lot of time and deliberate effort. It's not rocket science. You know, it's not that complicated in terms of what we're trying to do. A lot of it, I think, is common sense. Also, I'm sure that a lot of what I'm going to talk about today are things that you're already familiar with. Really, the hard part about teaching parenting or living with people with ADHD, maybe sometimes anybody really, is to be able to do it in a self-aware manner. My job as a psychologist is based on the fact that people do what they feel like. In other words, people respond emotionally and not necessarily rationally in situations. And usually if you respond emotionally to a problem, you're going to make the problem worse. For example, if you're anxious about something and avoid it, you know, whatever the thing that's making you anxious doesn't go away and not dealing with it also tends to make the problem And the anxiety worse. So the key to working with people with ADHD, either at home or in school, is to do what you think like rather than what you feel like. I know that do what you think like isn't even an expression, which I think shows you how rare it is. So when facilitating social emotional development, you can't respond emotionally. You can't afford to just react in that situation, nor can you just rationally explain, you know, what the problem is and, you know, kind of like how to deal with it or what to do about it. You have to work on these skills in a very deliberate, organized, systematic, and consistent manner, which I also think is generally contrary to human nature. I don't know if anybody really behaves this way in a deliberate and consistent manner. And it's certainly much more difficult to do this in stressful situations. And, you know, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that people with ADHD can, you know, cause a lot of stress in their environments. So today I'm going to give you some specific strategies to use. And what I'd like you to do after this talk is to think about which strategy to use when. ([Time 0:05:52](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a5bca0ae-9e17-4ca5-81af-c10a1f844b69)) - **Labeling Feelings Enables Control** - Awareness of one's own feelings enables control and appropriate expression. - Teach children to label and differentiate emotions to guide behavior correctly. Transcript: Steven Tobias So the first is to be aware of one's own feelings and those of others. You know, feelings are difficult to things, difficult things to be aware of, you know, even though we all know, you know, what it is. You know, it's like poets, philosophers, scientists have all tried to define it, you know, because it seems very ethereal. You know, I also think that all the time people ask you, you know, how are you? You know, and you say, fine, thanks. How are you? And then say, you know, and they say, fine. And, you know, this is probably not true for either of you. You know, so I think when was the last time, you know, somebody asked you how you were and you answered truthfully. Okay. I know that when I go to a restaurant and the waiter comes over and says, how are you? My response usually is hungry. Or when I'm in the checkout line and the checkout person asks, you know, how are you today, sir? You know, I started talking about, you know, kind of overwhelmed and tired. And, you know, when my wife or kids are with me, they're, you know, rolling their eyes. But I think this is very important. It's a very important question. How are you? You know, so next time somebody casually asks you, take a minute, think about it and maybe give a real answer. You know, a lot of times your response gets ignored because the person didn't really want to know. But also sometimes this can lead to a very meaningful interpersonal exchange. You know, because how are you is an important question, even if you only answer to yourself. You know, I think that this is basically maybe a basic question that embodies the purpose of life. You know, if somebody says, how are you? And, you know, you can answer content or good enough. You know, I think, you know, you're doing okay and you're pretty lucky. Another reason it's important to know how are you is because it's going to influence what you do. You know, if you're sad, you're likely to withdraw. And if you're happy, you're likely to spread your cheer to others. Now, the difference between humans and animals is that humans can be aware of their feelings and thus control them. You know, it's like you can reason with a dog all you want. You know, they shouldn't be angry and attack you. But if a dog feels threatened, they're going to bark and bite. However, if people are aware of their feelings, they can learn to express them appropriately and control them. So this is the first step is to be aware of your feelings. ([Time 0:08:54](https://share.snipd.com/snip/4b4bb347-d46d-4c44-bf4a-c37dc35beb84)) - **Give Feelings Words And Actions** - Teach children a feelings vocabulary to distinguish anger, frustration, and disappointment. - Link each feeling word to the behavior it should trigger (ask for help, take a break, move on). Transcript: Steven Tobias Unfortunately, anger tends to be a default negative emotion. In other words, when you get a bad feeling, but you don't know what it is, you're going to act like you're angry. Now, there are two other feelings that often get confused with anger. And so what we have to do is help kids develop a feelings vocabulary, help them be able to define these feelings and differentiate them. All right. So technically, anger comes from hurt. It's like first you get hurt, then you get angry. Because what do you do when you're angry? You lash out. You want to hurt something or someone else. A common feeling that gets confused with anger is frustration. Frustration technically means you're doing something that's hard to do. And so what do you do when you're frustrated? If you're labeling that appropriately, if you're doing something that's hard to do, you either keep trying to take a break or ask for help. Okay. You know, so wouldn't it be great, you know, if a kid is, you know, doing their homework and they're starting to get very frustrated with the homework that instead of, you know, crumbling Up the paper, throwing the book or, you know, walking away, you know, they're able to identify that feeling of frustration and realize, you know, that they should kind of keep trying, Take a short break, you know, a couple of deep breaths, you know, or maybe ask for help. The other feeling that gets confused with anger is disappointment. Disappointment means you don't get what you want, you know, and what do you do when you're disappointed? You just kind of shrug and go, oh, well, that stinks, you know, when you, you know, when you move on. You know, a lot of times kids with ADHD have difficulty identifying or differentiating that feeling of disappointment. And so, you know, they keep trying and trying and trying until, you know, they annoy, you know, everyone around them and end up in trouble. So if we can help kids learn to identify these feelings and the different direction, behavioral direction it leads to, you know, everybody's better off. ([Time 0:11:26](https://share.snipd.com/snip/508be080-de07-46c2-9895-2826a044edc9)) - **Teach Reading Of Others' Feelings** - Train students to read others' feelings to gain social advantage and better outcomes. - Use nonverbal cues and tone as primary signals when teaching empathy and awareness. Transcript: Steven Tobias Now, awareness of other people's feelings is also crucial. You know, a lot of times if you ask a child in a conflict situation how somebody else felt, you know, they say, I don't know, and why should I care? But they should care because if you know how somebody else feels, you have a better chance of getting what you want. You know, for example, if you want to raise from your boss, it might be helpful to, you know, read her mood and know when to ask or when to avoid her. You know, also, by the way, the student who is able to read the teacher's feelings is likely to get a better grade regardless of their knowledge of the coursework itself. ([Time 0:15:57](https://share.snipd.com/snip/39928d30-927c-430e-9e34-81560b4fa533)) - **Train Self-Control And Waiting** - Teach self-control and delay of gratification with practice and clear prompts. - Help children learn to moderate emotional reactions and wait for rewards to increase long-term gains. Transcript: Steven Tobias I'm sure this is very important to all of you because this refers to self-control. One aspect of self-control is the ability to moderate one's emotional reaction to a situation. And by the way, whether that reaction is positive or negative. In other words, does one get angry and lose control quickly? Do you become excited and overstimulated? So kids need to be taught how to govern their feelings and express them appropriately. You know, unfortunately, sometimes it feels good to let it all out. You know, it's hard. It doesn't feel good to have to inhibit or control your emotional responses in a situation. But after you've inappropriately expressed your feelings, you know, the reactions of others usually isn't so positive. You know, I always feel bad for the child who never gets invited to a birthday party. They finally get invited and they're so excited that they can't inhibit or control, you know, their excitement and they end up annoying all the other kids and, you know, never get invited Again. Also, there's something that I call the yelling reflex, you know, and that's when somebody's angry and yells at you, you know, what do you want? Usually you want them to stop. But when you have a yelling reflex, what that does is cause you to yell back, which then causes them to yell more. So self-control is difficult, but usually the only way to solve the problem or to, you know, effectively get what it is that you want. Another component of coping with behavioral impulses is delay of gratification, you know, the ability to wait for something. I think this concept is difficult for adults to master at the age of, you know, credit cards and next day delivery, but also it doesn't come naturally to children. Without the ability to delay gratification, usually we end up with less. ([Time 0:20:02](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c3056c9b-c89d-4021-ba73-2d1c58ceb32f)) - **Set Small Goals To Build Hope** - Help kids set clear, achievable goals to create hope and direction. - Break goals into plans so they can experience success and build optimism. Transcript: Steven Tobias Now, we have goals no matter what we're doing. We just might not be aware of them. Behavior is always goal oriented. In other words, directed towards achieving a specific end. Now, not all goals can be positive, however. A child might have a goal of revenge for a real or perceived slight. Now, this will usually not really get them what they want, which is probably to be left alone. So it's important that we help kids conceptualize goals and get them to see what is it that you really want, what's really the desired outcome in the situation. And being aware of one's goal will usually help you developing an appropriate plan. A planning skill often relates to the things I was just talking about in terms of, you know, regulating impulses and delaying gratification. Now, goals are also important because it gives us a sense of hope and optimism. It gives you a vision of what it is that we want to achieve. And this also can be a problem for some kids. They don't have a sense of hope, and therefore they don't set goals for themselves. You know, they're saying to themselves, gee, why should I study? I'm going to get a bad grade anyway. And so if a child doesn't expect to achieve, then obviously they won't try, and this becomes a whole self-fulfilling prophecy. ([Time 0:22:18](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d834aff4-b905-4c4a-a5b4-776cd7d8a563)) - **Model Skills And Make Eye Contact** - Model social-emotional skills by thinking aloud, showing respect, and labeling feelings. - Greet children individually with eye contact to establish connection before instruction. Transcript: Steven Tobias And overall, actually, I'd like to give you some advice about teaching SEL, and that's to don't give advice, okay? Most people don't want to hear it, and even if it's the best advice in the world, if people don't have ownership of it, they're likely not going to do it. Also in teaching these social emotional skills, we're not telling kids what to do. We're teaching them how to figure out what to do, how to deal with, you know, different, you know, situations. You know, it's the kind of, you know, teach them to fish instead of, you know, giving them the fish. Okay? So the first strategy is to model these skills yourselves. This is the, you know, do what I do approach. This occurred to me one day when I was yelling at my daughter to stop yelling. You know, this just didn't seem quite right. So if you want somebody to use good self-control skills, you know, it's usually good to use them yourself. You know, so other things you might want to self-consciously model are expressing feelings with words. You know, say what you're feeling, label it. Okay. Another thing is, you know, having respect for others and how you communicate, not only to the person you're communicating, but I think even, you know, showing respect, you know, when You're talking about somebody else. You know, we want to listen patiently, certainly if we expect, you know, the child to listen patiently to us. And even thinking is something that you can you can model for kids by verbalizing your thought process. You know, for example, if your child, you know, asks you for something instead of just saying yes or no, let them in on your thought process, you know, so the kid wants ice cream, you know, You might verbalize yourself, gee, I'd really like to let you have ice cream. I like ice cream too. Well, it's kind of close to dinner time. I want to make sure that you have a healthy meal. I know you've been eating a lot of sweets lately, so, you know, maybe we'll have ice cream another day. You know, so this can probably go through your mind in a quick second, but saying to the child, not today, you know, it doesn't help the child understand what's behind it. You know, your whole thought, thought, reasoning and problem solving process. And also, I just want to note that if you're doing this, if you're modeling this kind of internal dialogue with a child, you're not lecturing them or explaining something to the child. You're just thinking out loud by doing this. ([Time 0:24:55](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f17c29db-2807-4d36-b8ea-afaf203933bd)) - **Use Role-Play And Questions** - Use active, experiential methods like role-play and feelings charades for learners with ADHD. - Ask open-ended questions to prompt thinking and increase listening and engagement. Transcript: Steven Tobias I'm sure you know this, that people with ADHD are generally active learners. Sitting and passive listening aren't their strengths. You can't just talk to them or explain a skill. You know, when teaching SEL at home or in school, it's better to act things out with role plays and multi-sensory learning. You know, for example, if you're teaching about feelings, you can play feelings charades where somebody acts out a feeling and then the other people have to try to guess what it is. The next strategy is to ask questions and then ask more questions, because really what we're trying to do is to facilitate their thinking. Now, also, I want to point out that there's an inverse relationship between the amount of talking that an adult does and the amount of listening a child with ADHD does. In other words, the more you talk, the less they listen. Interestingly, the more they talk, the more they're also going to listen. And so by asking questions, it encourages them to think and to talk, which also makes them more available for listening. And you also want to try to use open-ended questions, you know, such as what happened? You know, how did that make you feel? How did other people feel when you did that? What could you do? What are some other things that you could have done? ([Time 0:29:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9496b7fa-f594-4290-8765-132c9a42a961)) - **Reflect Words And Use Cue Labels** - Paraphrase and reflect a child's words to show listening and teach clearer emotional language. - Use specific vocabulary cues (like 'frustration') to prompt appropriate responses. Transcript: Steven Tobias This says a couple of things. One, it reinforces the child for talking to you, because we all need to feel seen, as I mentioned before, but we also all need to feel heard. So by reflecting back to the child, what they're saying, they really know that you're listening. Another thing this does is give you an opportunity to check for understanding because kids aren't always so clear, you know, about what happened, what the situation was. Okay. So for example, you know, a kid might be talking about how they had no one to play with at recess. And after asking a series of questions, you can't do what really happened. And you might reflect back to them. So, gee, it seems like you're saying that you're upset because the game started without you, and then you thought you couldn't join in. So that's maybe really the reality of what happened, but the kid is just focused on the fact that, you know, they had no one to play with. Okay. Another thing that paraphrasing back is it gives you an opportunity to model appropriate language. You know, so if you ask a child, how did that make you feel? And they respond, I wanted to punch them. You can reflect back, gee, it sounds like you're feeling really angry or really hurt, you know, in that situation, you know, because the question was about feelings, not possible solutions. Then we also want to use specific vocabulary and cues. As I mentioned before, you want help kids to develop a feelings vocabulary and make sure they're using their correct feelings for words. Because as I was mentioning before, you know, things like the word frustration should be a cue to keep trying, take a break or ask for help, not lash out or quit. ([Time 0:31:06](https://share.snipd.com/snip/6260d0d4-dac4-4e33-be46-8d9b58d70d61)) - **Teach SEL In Meetings Not Tests** - Hold regular sharing circles and weekly family/class meetings to teach SEL away from crises. - Use meetings to teach, rehearse, and plan generalization so kids aren't learning during the 'test'. Transcript: Steven Tobias One is to use sharing circles and have class or family meetings. A sharing circle is a simple exercise. We just ask a question. Everyone goes around and answers it. You know, the question can be benign, such as what's your favorite pizza topping, or it can be related to a social emotional skill you're working on. You know, something like, you know, what's something that makes you feel sad? This is a very simple exercise, but a lot of skills can be worked on when you do it, you know, because kids have to first process the question, they have to then express themselves appropriately, They have to delay gratification by waiting for their turn, and they also have to listen to others and maybe even sometimes remember what it was that they're going to say. So I would say that if you're only going to do one thing after my talk today, I would do a sharing circle on a regular basis at home and in school because as I said, it's a simple exercise and You get to work on a lot of skills this way. Class and family meetings are also important when teaching social emotional skills because you don't teach the skill during the test. When the emotional level is high or there's a problem situation, that's the test. So we want to teach kids how to deal with these things and then prompt the skills when the problem occurs. You know, it's both in school and at home, these are hectic times. You know, look, I know teachers have a lot to deal with and parents certainly do too. And in order to teach social martial skills, you really have to carve out the time to do it. And I said before, you need to do it in a deliberate manner. So formal meeting time is the best way to do it. You know, I know the argument always is that we don't have enough time, you know, at home or in school. But the research shows that in school, if teachers take the time to teach and reinforce SEL on a regular basis, it makes the students more available for learning and teaching more efficient. Also at home, going from problem to problem tends to not be very time efficient either. So investing the time, at least weekly, to have formal meetings where you can focus on specific skills and problem solving, this yields, you know, significant time dividends in the Long run, really, I promise. ([Time 0:33:33](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a135cf29-9036-4536-9f31-dd569045c8ef)) - **Praise Few Behaviors Repeatedly** - Reinforce a few target behaviors repeatedly instead of praising many different actions. - Be patient: SEL programs often take years to show significant impact at school. Transcript: Steven Tobias Like any skill acquisition, you need to review and practice. You know, you can't just present it once and move on. So in addition to prompting the use of these skills, you need to reteach and reinforce them. Look, we also recognize that these skills come more naturally to some kids than to others. Even, you know, kids with ADHD, some can actually be quite skilled in these kinds of social emotional skills naturally. Others, it takes a lot more work. OK, but as I keep saying, you know, everybody benefits from it. Next, we want to make sure that you're establishing class and family rules. Now, believe it or not, kids like rules, rules and limits make a child feel more secure. It makes the world more predictable. You know, kids know what to expect, what's going to happen, you know, good or bad. Also, you know, you already have rules. You know, you've told kids a thousand times, you know, what they should be doing or not doing. You know, so really what I'm talking about, again, is making them more explicit, formal, and deliberate. You know, write them down. Writing them down also gives kids a visual cue as to what's expected. When developing the rules, it's good to include kids in the process. Now, this doesn't mean giving them control, but when somebody has input into developing something, usually there's more buy-in and willingness to do it. Also, by the way, I've often found that when families are coming up with rules, the kids tend to be a lot more strict than the parents are. Next is to be patient, because these skills take a long time to learn and to use independently. If you're doing a formal SEL program in school, it usually takes about three years before you see significant impact. At home, I think you can see some impact in a couple of months, but obviously ongoing work is going to be necessary. ([Time 0:36:26](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b8fa502b-0a02-4df2-a0af-7ee2ebc25866)) - **Use Breathing To Keep Calm** - Teach a simple breathing routine: inhale to 3, exhale to 5, and repeat until calm. - Prompt 'keep calm together' to avoid shaming and increase uptake in children. Transcript: Steven Tobias These are kind of core skills that, you know, that you can be using. Again, if you're only doing one thing, do this sharing circle. If you're going to do some other things, focus on these three skills. The first is keep calm. This is a strategy for self-control. It's a simple, you know breathing strategy uh because emotions are in the body as much as in the mind you know when a strong emotion is triggered positive or negative the body produces Adrenaline and the adrenaline prepares you a fighter for a fight or flight response and you know neither one tends to be uh tends to be helpful okay so what you need to do is you need to calm The body down because the adrenaline gives a lot of energy to the muscles, which causes tightness in the chest muscles, which cause you to take short, shallow breaths, which actually Then causes the body to make more adrenaline. So you want to teach them this simple breathing strategy that, you know, helps them calm down, helps them relax. And when you prompt a child to keep calm rather than calm down, because calming down, you know, sounds like a criticism, you know, I often, you know, recommend that you do it with the child. Say, you know, let's do it, keep calm together. All right. It just makes it seem less like criticism. And also, I think both of you, you know, are going to benefit, you know, this breathing strategy, you know, it's a very common technique. Some of you might, you know, who do yoga, you know, find it familiar. Lamaze also does it, but it also comes from sports psychology. And I usually introduce it as coming from sports psychology because kids, you know, kind of like are more likely to do it for now that athletes do it rather than not just their moms, you Know, when they were in labor, uh, with them. Um, I'm also frustrated to say with, uh, with coaches who never teach, keep calm, uh, all professional athletes know how to do this. And I think the, you know, if, uh, if you, any of your coaches or, you know, you want to teach this strategy to the coach and they could teach it to the whole team. You know, everybody's going to benefit. But also be aware, you know, that this is difficult to do. All right. And it takes a lot of practice, a lot of reinforcement before kids are going to do it independently. OK, so, again, simple technique. You breathe in through your nose to a count of three. Some people hold at that point, but you know, then breathe out to a slow count of five. You want to go exhale. It needs to be longer than the inhale and then repeat, repeat, you know, repeat until calm, you know, repeat as necessary. And there are a lot of variations on this. And I want to emphasize that I think they're all good. They all work. So if you're familiar with something else, you know, definitely, definitely use it. ([Time 0:39:36](https://share.snipd.com/snip/74524fd4-65df-458e-997a-fa01e54b1a56)) - **Practice Assertive Body Language** - Teach 'Be Your Best' assertive skills: body language, eye contact, tone, and appropriate words. - Help children adjust fidgeting so it doesn't block listening or distract others. Transcript: Steven Tobias This is kind of like a mini assertiveness training course, you know, as, you know, as opposed to being aggressive or passive, you know, so when you want to communicate with others effectively, You want to be your best. You want to be aware of your body language because the body language often conveys, you know, meaning, you know, in terms of your posture and movement. You know, unfortunately, kids with ADHD are very fidgety, restless, and that can make it hard for them to for other people to listen to them when they're, you know, kind of like moving All around. But also, by the way, if you tell a kid to stand still, all their attention has to go to controlling their body. And it's going to be a lot harder for them to listen. So we got to find a happy medium here where they can fidget, but in a way that's not distracting to others. You also want to teach you to make comfortable eye contact with others, you know, not staring or also not avoiding it. You know, there are also cultural differences in terms of what's appropriate eye contact. So, you know, you have to be sensitive to this issue, too. You want to say appropriate things. You know, because we say mean things, you know, other people aren't going to listen to you. You know, if, you know, you tell somebody to shut up, that usually guarantees that the other person is going to talk more and louder. And then also being aware of your tone of voice, because this conveys the emotion, you know, even more than the words. You know, sarcasm is in your tone of voice. Mocking someone is in the tone of voice. Expressing concern for someone also is in the tone of voice. You can also use the best, the biolanguage eye contact saying appropriate things in tone of voice to read somebody else's feelings. You know, have kids tune into what's their body language saying? You know, what's their eye contact saying? Listen to the words they're saying, you know, and also paying to pay attention to their tone of voice. This helps them read some of those subtle social cues. ([Time 0:42:25](https://share.snipd.com/snip/dd1bf9de-a8ef-41e2-ac98-de475b226538)) - **Use ESP To Solve Problems** - Use ESP: Evaluate feelings, Select a goal, then Proceed with a stepwise plan. - Brainstorm options and specify who, what, when, where, and how to avoid impulsive actions. Transcript: Steven Tobias Okay. And this might be, you know, one of the most important skills for coping with social and emotional situations because it's how to respond to challenging situations. You know, we call it ESP. It might, it might be good to have extrasensory perception, but this ESP is evaluate, select, and proceed, okay? You want to use this, you know, to guide them through a problem-solving situation. First, evaluate the problem and what feelings and thoughts are associated with it, because the better you understand the problem and your reaction to it, the better chance you have In solving it. You know, for example, if you're sitting home alone and bored because you have nothing to do, you might reflect on, you know, some other feelings and thoughts that you have, such as maybe You're feeling sad, you know, or feeling rejected by others. Maybe you're thinking, you know, you never have any fun because your parents play video games too much. Or maybe, you know, you don't have any friends to play with. So evaluate involves assessing the situation, your feelings, and your thoughts accurately. Also, by the way, bored is another one of those default emotions that often, you know, masks sadness or anxiety. You know, so in this situation, you know, with the video games, you know, kind of like what's the real problem? You know, is it that your parents, when you play games right now, you're stuck about thinking, you know, what you can do, or, you know, that you are really socially isolated. So how you define the problem is going to lead to how you define the solution. So make sure you're dealing with the real problem, you know, or problems. Then we want to select a goal and how to achieve it. You know, I talked about goals before, so it's important to think about what you really want and what you can do to get there. Also, the broader your goal is, the better your chance you have of getting it. You know, so your goal is to play video games right now for the rest of the day. That's less likely to be achieved than focusing on, you know, how to get more video games or in general. Okay. Also, as i talked about uh goals give you know the sense of uh direction for your behavior and feelings of optimism uh about it so we also have to help kids you know learn how to brainstorm Uh kids with adhd tend to be very quick at thinking solutions to problems but we want them to take a step back and to think and to think a little more, you know, what else could they do? What else could they do? What else could they do? OK. And then proceed with a plan. You know, once you know what you want and have an idea about what you can do to get it, you need a plan. You know, so rather than responding impulsively, we need to break it down. OK, so you can do the who, what, when, where and how questions to facilitate it. You know, so let's say a kid, you know, wants to get better grades so they get more video game time. OK, so who are you going to talk to about this? Mom, dad, your teacher. What do you need, you know, to get better grades? Maybe an assignment pad to keep track of your assignments. But when are you going to do this you're going to do this every day doing homework you're going to study just before her test where are you going to do this in school maybe at home how will You do this put more time to school work get a tutor ask a teacher for help You know, so these would all need to be components of the plan. Okay. ([Time 0:44:34](https://share.snipd.com/snip/bb897896-6c6e-4560-b82f-d974b6ebb8aa)) - **Discipline With Empathy And Natural Consequences** - Discipline by empathizing first, then use natural, logical consequences and calm time-outs. - Use time-out as a brief space to regain control, not as punitive isolation. Transcript: Steven Tobias The first is to empathize. So, you know, I talked before about the importance of empathy as a SEL skill, but parents don't usually conceptualize it as a discipline strategy, even though, you know, we all do it Naturally with kids. It's human nature. All right. Now, let me give you an example of empathy. So, you know, you know what I'm talking about. It's like, let's say you go to a funeral, you know, at the funeral, you want to be empathetic. So, you know, you're in the receiving line, you know, you sit in the morning, you know, I'm very sorry for your loss, you know, but they were old, everybody dies, you know, you still have Other relatives, you know, this really isn't a tragedy. All right. Hopefully you wouldn't say that. Okay. Because everything after the bud, you know, it takes away from the empathy. Also, the opposite of empathy is reasoning. OK, and literally different parts of the brain are involved. When you're empathizing with somebody, you're talking to the amygdala, which is deep inside the brain. When you're reasoning with somebody, you're talking to the prefrontal cortex of the brain. Okay. And, you know, when the emotional level is high, when the emotional level is up here, the kid's not available for reasoning. You have to wait till the emotional level comes down before, you know, you can actually start reasoning or even, you know, problem solving with the child. So one of the things that makes, you know, so awkward is that after you say, you know, I'm very certain print loss, you know, what else is there to say? And really there isn't, you know, that's where, you know, you just want to be emotionally supportive, you know, by, you know, expressing something, but then, you know, listening and Really just being there for them. Next, we want to praise specific targeted behaviors. You want to focus on three or four behaviors to target consistently. So, you know, people tend to praise like 100 different behaviors. And kids with ADHD, again, they don't focus on things. So you're much better off praising, you know, four behaviors 25 times each rather than 100 different behaviors. It helps them focus on these very specific behaviors. And look, we all like praise. We're all suckers for, you know, for praise. So, you know, we just need to be, you know, targeted and specific and deliberate about it. A couple of rules about praise. You want to praise at the initiation of an act, not at the end. If you want to, for example, work on table manners, praise them for coming to the table. Don't praise them after the meal. You're never going to get there. Okay. You can also target behaviors that are the opposite of what you want to decrease. If you want to decrease sibling conflict, you want to praise getting along with others. You want to, you know, improve grades. You want to focus on, you know, bringing home assignments. Next, you want to ignore. This is, you know, don't sweat the small stuff. You know, pick your battles kind of thing. One of the problems with kids with ADHD is because of their impulsive and inattentive behavior, they get a lot of negative feedback from others. And what we need to do through ignoring is bring this back into balance between the positive and negative feedback. Now, if you're ignoring a behavior, you're not condoning it, just postponing it. You're not saying it's okay, the kid's doing it. You know, you're just not ready to deal with it. Next, we want to use natural logical consequences. And because this is the way the world works, okay? You go outside without a coat, you get cold. You play nicely with others, you have friends. You put things away, you know where to find them. All right. So with a natural logical consequence, it's not you against the child. What it is, is that you're on the same side as the child warning them about the potential, you know, consequences that can happen. Now, sometimes it's hard to think of natural logical consequences in the heat of battle. And, you know, sometimes, yeah, you do control the consequence. Like, for example, if a kid rides their bike without a helmet you know and you lock the bike up yeah that's you're doing that but you know it's basically under the child's control they Can choose to ride the bike without a helmet and get it locked up or they could choose to remember their helmet and be able to continue to have access to the bike timeout unfortunately It's gotten a bad rap for some reason but if you use time out properly, it really it just gives the child the time and space to calm down and regain self-control. All right. So, you know, you give time out for a rule violation or noncompliance of the command. And then if they break the rule, they go to time out. They don't listen. You get one warning and then in timeout, and they sit there for two minutes, quietly for two minutes. If they don't go to timeout immediately, you can increase the time or, you know, take things away to motivate them or just wait them out, you know, until they are ready to go to timeout. But as I said, timeout gives them the time and space to calm down and regain self-control. ([Time 0:48:35](https://share.snipd.com/snip/93aaebfd-a048-4af6-a270-a24e934e3266)) - **Use Simple Charts For Immediate Feedback** - Use simple behavior charts to increase self-awareness and quick feedback across home and school. - Keep charts focused, frequent, and shared to track progress efficiently. Transcript: Steven Tobias Then charts, you know, are very helpful because it increases self-awareness and can motivate the child. A chart is very simple. You know, it's a grid at the top. You have the time frame, you know, morning, afternoon, evening. In school, it can be by subject area. And then on the left-hand side, you have goals, the things that you want to work on. It could be a social goal, you know, getting along with others, an academic goal or a behavioral goal of, you know, being responsible, getting your work done. You know, you could monitor self-control, things like that. You can use an incidence interval, you know, or like a rating system generally. Charts are helpful because it gives the kid feedback and makes them more self-aware, more self-conscious. Especially in school, it can serve as a communication between school and home. And it's actually more efficient, time efficient for the teacher rather than trying to do a narrative or an email. And then also you can use charts to monitor progress. You sort of like lay them out and see if there's any change in the chart. It's important that the kid is getting feedback throughout the day. ([Time 0:53:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/cb903460-8dcb-431a-bed1-841d83697f2b)) - **Follow A Repeatable SEL Lesson Plan** - Structure SEL lessons: sharing circle, review, rationale, examples, role-play, and generalization prompts. - Link SEL to academic content and reinforce practice for real-world use. Transcript: Steven Tobias There are a lot of curriculum materials out there that, you know, you could use, but you can also plug in any kind of social emotional skill that you want to work on into this learning format. You know, we start with a sharing circle that can be led by the teacher or the student. If the student's leading it there, you're working on leadership skills also, you know, that, you know, because the student's got to, you know, call on all the other kids, get the kids, You know, moving, you know, moving along, you know, even decide on the question. Then, you know, like the meeting, we want to review previous skills. Then you want to provide a rationale for the skill, which is usually that it's good for them. You know, so whether, you know, the skill, you know, is, let's say, you know, being kind to others, you know, is that good for you? Because if you're kind to others, you know, people are more likely to like you and to do what you want, you know, give examples of what this looks like, you know, model, you know, speaking Kindly to others, being your best, you know, role playing it, you know, with other kids in terms of being kind. And then you also have to plan for generalization, you know, have a prompt, have a label for it. You know, in school, you can, you know, follow it up with academic lessons, especially, you know, in literature, you know, helping, you know, note when people are kind or not. And then you reinforce practicing. ([Time 0:55:02](https://share.snipd.com/snip/99badd48-fda1-4f7d-a49d-39fe3849be0b)) - **Handle Separation With Empathy And Gradual Steps** - For preschool separation anxiety, lead with empathy and allow calm-down time before reasoning. - Use gradual separations and have the parent be intentionally boring to reduce overstimulation. Transcript: Steven Tobias You know, as I said, you know, always lead with empathy, you know, validate, you know, the kid's feelings, you know, you can't tell somebody how to feel. So, I would validate, you know, that they're scared, you know, worried, upset, you know, whatever, you know, whatever it is that the child's um, you know, I would give them, uh, you know, Time, you know, to calm down and regain self-control. That's where the, you know, the patience, uh, you know, is, is necessary. Um, you know, depending on, on, on the situation and depending on the kid, uh, some kids, you know, it's better ripping off the bandaid, you know, just, you know, handing off the child. But I would say that if you do that and the child doesn't calm down quickly once they're separated from the parent, then I would use a more a more gradual approach where, you know, if the School is willing, the parent, you know, let's say goes in, goes in with the child, waits, you know, calm down, be more engaged and other things. By the way, and also if the parent is going in, it's very important that the parent is boring. Okay. The parent can't do anything because, you know, can't interact with the child in any way. Because one of the things you can always count on, especially with kids with ADHD, is they get bored quickly. Okay. So if the parent's just standing there, not doing anything, the kid's going to want to look for something fun to do eventually. ([Time 0:56:56](https://share.snipd.com/snip/e3cbc0a7-9a13-4740-a8b0-b552a81f33d2)) - **Address Teen Denial With Consequences And Feelings** - Point out natural consequences and explore underlying feelings when teens dismiss teachers. - Address feelings of inadequacy and link behavior to real outcomes to encourage advocacy. Transcript: Carol Fleck They don't know how to advocate for themselves. Steven Tobias Well, I would try to point out the natural and logical consequences. You know, what happens when they don't listen to the teacher? You know, do they get in trouble or are their grades impacted by this? I would also try to explore with the teenager, what are the feelings that are underlying that? You know, there might be a feeling of inadequacy. Some teens, you know, because they don't feel good about themselves, can be very sensitive to criticism and therefore take everything as criticism. And so, you know, you might have to address some of those underlying feelings or, you know, or thoughts about their own inadequacy as well. So I would try to get at what behaviors is serving, okay? You know, again, it's just covering up, you know, for feelings of inadequacy, but also pointing out the natural logical consequences to this. ([Time 0:58:36](https://share.snipd.com/snip/71c1e7d6-2981-49dc-baa0-d7cb47c841eb)) - **Make Homework Matter With Consequences** - If bright students skip homework, add meaningful consequences and teach tolerance for boredom. - Explain that doing boring tasks builds access to valued, interesting opportunities later. Transcript: Steven Tobias Well, you know, unfortunately, there have to be consequences for the homework. You know, I remember, I'm pretty old, so I remember in high school, if I didn't do my homework, they'd make me stay after school, okay? And I hate to say this, but I hated school. So the last thing in the world I wanted was to have to spend longer, longer periods of time there. You know, so I made sure I got all my homework done and got out of there as quick as possible. So if there are no consequences for the kid, obviously the kid's not intrinsically motivated to do the homework. You know, they don't see any reason for it, which also might be true. You know, so then there have to be consequences. Now, one of the things I would also emphasize to kids, you know, Mary said before they have low tolerance for boredom. Well, you've got to learn how to do the boring stuff. I don't care what job you have in real life. There are going to be boring aspects of it. And if you don't have to, if you don't know how to do the boring stuff, you never get to good to do the good stuff and the really interesting stuff. You know, everybody starts out at an entry level position and has to work their way up. All right. So, so the, the goal for the kid in terms of doing homework isn't, you know, it's going to help them learn. It's because one, it can avoid, you know, whatever consequences might occur. But two, it's also going to teach them how to deal with boredom, how to do, you know, basically meaningless things that they still have to do. ([Time 0:59:59](https://share.snipd.com/snip/67a50ad5-eda7-4ee6-a776-e8b21aa3897b))