How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be  ## Metadata - Author: [[The Mel Robbins Podcast]] - Full Title: How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be - Category: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/fe278d23-4757-4f6b-b2f2-b78387054476 ## Document Notes ## Highlights - **Childhood Entrepreneurial Spirit** - At 10, Chelsea Handler started a lemonade stand, then shifted to selling alcohol to adults for profit. - She used this entrepreneurial spirit to fund her first-class plane ticket, showing early self-reliance. Transcript: Mel Robbins This is on page nine. It's a chapter called First Class. And this is a lesson about allowing yourself to claim the thing you want, even if it seems ridiculous. And you're literally talking about getting on your very first plane ride across the country to visit your grandparents, you're 10 years old, four of us traveling. You board the plane, walk past the first class section, stopped, sniffed around. This seems like my group. I told my mother, the writing was on the wall. If my family was content flying coach for the rest of their lives, we simply weren't on the same page. And I would at some point have to split ties with them. At 10 years old, you have this really important thing that you're already doing where you're allowing yourself to claim something that you want simply because you want it. And then you go a step further. And I would love to have you share the story about what you did next with the lemonade stand and then how you started to hustle and then what you did with the money, because this blew my mind. Chelsea Handler So first of all, I knew I had to start working right away because my parents were just two hot messes, you know? And I was like, oh my God, there's nothing set up for me here. Like, I'm going to have to start working. I'm a child. What can I do? I'm like, okay, what's the lowest hanging fruit? That's a lemonade stand. I'll open up a lemonade stand. I enlisted my older sister. I'm the youngest of six children. So that gives you also, you know, when you're the youngest of six children, you grow up much quicker than anybody else in the family because you have to. You're absorbing everything around you and your language skills are far superior to anyone else's because you learn how to navigate, negotiate, argue, and win. And so I opened up on a lemonade stand. Our business was fine. We were on Martha's Vineyard. That sounds like we came from money. We did not. My dad got a very inexpensive house on Martha's Vineyard. We don't know how he got the money to get that house, but whatever. It was one of the best decisions he's ever made. And we got so many beautiful summers from it. So I opened up a lemonade stand. I said to my sister, Shauna, she was five years older. I'm like, do you want to open up a lemonade stand with me? We made like maybe, I don't know, 17, 18, $20. Not enough money for me at that age. I was like, whoa, I think I was probably around 10. And I was like, this isn't going to work. And then I was like, okay, the next best thing is opening up a hard lemonade stand. I'm like, that's what people really want. Whiskey, gin, and tequila. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go back to my house. I'm going to get some gin, whiskey, and tequila, which was difficult because my parents didn't really drink. So it wasn't even like, you know, good stuff. Like, I think I went to a neighbor's house and got some whiskey from her. And then I told my sister, I'm like, we're going to mix our drinks and we're going to sell the alcohol to the adults. And we're going to sell the lemonade to the kids. And anyone, frankly, who's over 10 can also have a cocktail as far as I'm concerned. And my sister's like, we're definitely not doing that. That's illegal. And I was like, well, then you can go take a hike because you're actually cutting into my profit margin. So I fired her and then I went around the neighborhood and I would just knock on the door and I would introduce myself like a business woman. I was 10 and, you know, wearing like shorts and flip flops and whatever. And I was like, hi, my name is Chelsea Handler. Do you have any other 10 year olds that I can play with? And finally, they sent this kid named Nelson down. And I was like, Nelson, I'm doing a lemonade stand. I need a bar back. Do you know how to mix a drink? And he was like, what? I was like, listen, I've seen it on TV. This is all you have to do. And that lemonade stand yielded hundreds of dollars in the first few weeks. I mean, we made so much money. I think by the third week, I had like $700 or 506 or some, whatever figure it's in the book. And then I gave Nelson his commission. Cause now it wasn't my sister. It was a guy that I hired. And I think it was like, say I made $569. I gave him his commission, which was $5 and 69 cents. And I was like, this is yours, Nelson. And Nelson thought he hit the lottery. He's like, oh my God, $5. He's like, this is crazy. This is more money than I would have made if I had lost three teeth in one week. And I'm like, Nelson, if you believe in the tooth fairy, we've got bigger problems, you know? But that was my first like entrepreneurial endeavor that I realized like, okay, I'm going to take this into my own hands. I don't need my family. I actually don't need anybody. I just need to like, you know, figure out an idea. Then I was like, wait a second, I could be making more money. I was 10. I was always, I looked older than I was. And I was like, I'll be a babysitter. There's no rules around babysitting, you know? But so I lied and I said, I was 15 years old and I called all the hotels in Edgar town, Martha's Vineyard. And I was like, my name is Chelsea Handler. I'm a very experienced babysitter. If you have any guests that are traveling and that need last minute babysitting plans, please call me. This is my number. I still remember my number, 627-5889. And I said, I'm 15 years old. I spent that summer babysitting for a 14 year old boy as a 10-year I mean, I had this babysitting business for three years. That's how I afforded the first class ticket that I took. Well, tell that story about what you did with the money. ([Time 0:14:41](https://share.snipd.com/snip/1b3a10f3-3cc4-4a78-9a44-cf8fcc2e6b13)) - **Buying First Class Alone** - Chelsea secretly bought a first-class plane ticket at 13 using her own babysitting savings. - She proudly sat apart from family, marking independence and claiming what she wanted. Transcript: Chelsea Handler I used that to buy my first class ticket on the flight. Mel Robbins But what's amazing about this is that you didn't tell, it sounds like in the story, you didn't tell your family. So a couple of years later, aren't you flying across country to go to your- A couple of years later, yeah. Chelsea Handler I had experienced my first plane ride at 10. That was the impetus for everything. Once I saw that there was a section of people that had more money and could sit in nicer chairs, I was like, I'm going to be in that group. So then I came back. I started Lemonade. I was like, this isn't enough. Like, I got to do something bigger than this. And then I started my babysitting company. I had tons of clients. And I saved my money. And then my mom said we were going back to California again when I was 13 to visit my grandfather. And I went down the street to a travel agent that lived on our street. And I bought myself a first-class ticket. And then I got on the plane. I was with my two idiot brothers, Glenn and Roy, and I was on the plane and I didn't say anything because I could not fucking wait to see the looks on their faces. I couldn't wait to see my brothers, the look of disgust that I had figured out a system that they would have loved to figure out. You know what I mean? Yes. And that I'm 10 years younger than them. I'm the baby sister. I'm like, you know, this little thing that nobody really took seriously. And I got in my seat to see, I had my like suitcase. I popped it in the overhead bin. I had little kitten heels on like a businesswoman again. I was like flying. I better get dressed up. And then they all thought I was kidding. I'm like, I'll see you guys at the end of the flight and sat in 2C. And then like an hour later, my brother came up to my seat and was like, you can't do that. And I'm like, I can't do what? He goes, you can't buy a first class ticket and not give it to one of us or mom. And I was like, first of all, I was drinking also a glass of champagne at that point because they thought I was 21 probably. And I looked at him and I was like, I absolutely can. I was like, first of all, you need to get back to your section and I will see you at the end of the flight. Can you shut this curtain and get this person's bothering me? Also, how did you get through the curtain? What kind of, well, yeah, what kind of preventative measure is that curtain? It's not stopping anyone from coming up. So at that point they knew like, oh God, you know, she's a real handful. But I had told them from a very young age, like, watch out and stick with me. I'm going to get us out of this mess. Like my parents were not financially stable. We were not poor. Like we, but we had our phones turned off. We had money problems. It wasn't like we were driving in new cars and I was getting nice clothes. It wasn't like that. I was the youngest of six. And it was like, we had a house. We had stability. I never went hungry. But there was no excess. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I didn't like that. I wanted more for myself. And I wanted more for my family. Like, it wasn't just for me. I was like, I guess I'll have to take care of this family. ([Time 0:19:47](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9b2915bc-b135-443f-8bce-e378ad3a463d)) - **Unapologetic Desire for Women** - Women must claim their desires unapologetically, unlike men who rarely apologize for wanting more. - Confidence requires permission to want and claim without guilt or apology. Transcript: Mel Robbins And then instead of blocking the desire and invalidating ourselves, we remind ourselves with time and some effort, you can figure that shit out. You can pay for that stuff yourself. You can figure out how to do it. That's what that story illustrates. Even if at every step of the way, people are saying, you can't do that, or you shouldn't do that, or your age makes no You made it make sense. And that is a huge mindset switch that I think we all could use. And it is something that also is becoming consistent with the way you approach things. ([Time 0:23:38](https://share.snipd.com/snip/a4025d73-64d2-421d-9264-ce86b83cd81f)) - **Bombing to Breakthrough** - Chelsea bombed a pivotal Montreal Comedy Festival but stayed to succeed the next night. - That resilience led to her first TV deal, showing how failure can precede breakthrough. Transcript: Chelsea Handler Story for you to hear. I was the next it girl for this Montreal Comedy Festival, which is basically at the time was the festival to get recognized in this industry or in this standup industry. If you're at that festival, you're on the map, people know who you are. Everyone in the industry that can make decisions about your career is going to be there. There was a lot of buzz about me going to Montreal. I had a special showcase. Everyone who was anyone was coming to that show. Everybody. And I bombed badly. And I had practiced this set. It was a 10-minute set. But just based on everyone's reaction, right away, I lost my confidence. And I was like, I started rushing. And I was talking too fast. And I was like, knew it wasn't going well. And then it got worse and it got worse. And I got off stage and I was just like, there was no denying what had happened. And I went back to my hotel room. Zach Galifianakis walked me to my hotel room and was like, you're going to want to sit by yourself for a while. This sucks. And there's nothing I can say to help you. And I was devastated. I thought my career had ended before it had begun. And I just didn't know what I was going to do. I really sat there that night thinking, could I work in an office? Like, what could I do? Do I have to go to college now? Like, how do I begin again? And I'm like, nothing was an option. And then I had another show the next night. Oh God. But no one came because no one, they were already, we're like, we already saw her. She's not ready. She's too green. She's not ready. And then that show, of course, went great, but nobody was there to see it. And then I get back to LA. My manager at the time, this guy, Mark Schulman, called me and he said, Grace Wu, who was an executive at NBC, was not at your show in Montreal on Saturday night. She wants to come see you tomorrow night at Lunan Park. And I was like, okay. So I called Luna Park. I booked myself. Mel Robbins I was like, put me up and I did the savings act set, but I had nothing to lose at this point because I'd already blown it. How did you psych yourself up knowing like, this is it? Because you must have left Montreal feeling like career's over, no chance. And then you get this call, but now the stakes probably feel higher. You just said, I have nothing to lose, but- No, they didn't feel higher. They just felt like I've already been rejected. Chelsea Handler What more could I lose at this point? I've already lost the respect of like all of these people that can impact my career. So they don't take me seriously. So I'll just go and do it and we'll see. Like, I know I can it and so I did it and I crushed it. I had a great set. I got my first development deal that next day. They called me and they're like NBC wants to create a sitcom around your life. So what I want to say to you is that you can have the biggest failure of your life and you have no idea what's around the corner. All you have control of is your ability to say yes and to reach out and try. And that's what I did again. And it turned out to change my life forever. Like that changed my life forever. Only 72 hours went by. So it's such an important story to share because it's applicable to anybody in any part of, and it doesn't matter what you work in, what kind of life you have. ([Time 0:37:28](https://share.snipd.com/snip/2e93fd38-cd97-47cf-aca0-6c5b516c5c01)) - **Turn Anger into Vulnerability** - Anger masks pain and protects vulnerability; to heal, allow yourself to feel hurt. - Express honest feelings to reduce resentment and improve relationships. Transcript: Chelsea Handler And what might be underneath it. Well, what's underneath it is pain. You're hurting and, and anger is like, you know, your shield. Anger is your way to not be vulnerable. Anger is your way to say, like, I couldn't cry. I couldn't cry about my brother until I was 40 years old, until I went to this therapist. I would never allow myself to be vulnerable enough to say, if someone said, oh my God, your brother died when you were 10. I'm like, yeah, whatever. You didn't kill him. It's not your problem. Like the anger is your shield and your cover. You're not angry. You're hurt. And no one came to take care of you. No one said, are you okay? No one did. No one asked me if I was okay, but I wasn't going to allow anybody to get that close on that subject matter. So I think anytime we're angry, it's covering up hurt. You know, it's like it's blanket. And when you can get to be vulnerable about the fact that you feel hurt, then anything is possible. Then anything is solvable. Because anyone who loves you or cares about you, as long as you can be honest and be like, this is how it feels. Like resentment is the same thing. What are you resentful about? You're hurt. You're in pain. Something you feel slighted. Somebody did something to you. Is that about your ego? Is that about something? Like what's going on with you? I just came from a situation where I came away feeling resentful. And I was like, I don't good about this. I just spent time with a bunch of people that I love. Why do I not feel good about this? And I had to sit with myself for like three days. And I'm like, oh, you're hurt. And you you're resentful because of this, this and this and this. And that's on you. You know, like that's, I've never communicated that. So no one has any ability to even understand how I'm feeling because I've never allowed myself to say, these are the things I need from you. ([Time 1:02:30](https://share.snipd.com/snip/cf0dd7b5-dc07-4a28-a14c-d398527e101e)) - **Be Your Own Best Friend** - Becoming your own best friend and cheerleader is vital for self-support and growth. - Loving and backing yourself daily sustains resilience through challenges. Transcript: Mel Robbins I have become for myself what I've tried to be for every important person in my life, my own best friend, my own cheerleader. Oh my God, this makes me choke up. My own listener, my mother, my sister. I became my own daughter. What does that mean? Chelsea Handler That means I got my back. Like when I'm talking to myself and I'm going through something, I'm like, I got you. I got you. I've been here this whole time and I've gotten you this far and I will get you to the next place you're going to. Mel Robbins Why do we forget that? Chelsea Handler I don't know. I don't know. I needed to hear that today, actually. I needed to hear the words from my own book to me and to you. ([Time 1:09:40](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3a475e92-fbfc-4475-89bc-ab8541b1d096)) - **Finding Purpose in Joy** - Chelsea found her purpose in spreading joy, compassion, and support especially to women and underrepresented communities. - This purpose helps her find joy even in despair and generosity in hardship. Transcript: Chelsea Handler This is to the person who's with us right now, sending you lots of love too. My middle name is Joy, and I now understand that joy is my purpose in life, to bring joy, comfort, understanding, dependability to anyone who needs it. This joy that I want to spread and create doesn't come with any conditions. I am the wind blowing through a storm, the jolt of energy that I can bring to people who are in desperate need of a life boost. I am here for women. That is my purpose. I am here to lift, to inspire, and to listen. There is not a woman in need that I wouldn't try to help pull out of whatever hole she is in to help lift her up. I am here for every member of the LGBTQ plus community and for any person who does not feel seen. I'm here for the underdogs and I'm here to demonstrate compassion, empathy, and love. Once I identified my purpose, my bright bulb and effulgence began to shine. I am able to find joy in times of despair and generosity in times of strife. ([Time 1:18:18](https://share.snipd.com/snip/8a96f47e-3d44-47ea-86b3-afe676f1c0a6)) - **Control Your Positive Vibe** - You control your vibe and how you make others feel. - Aim to inspire and boost confidence in everyone you interact with. Transcript: Chelsea Handler Would say off of the back of that conversation that bringing the vibe is so important to your life. Like you're in charge of your vibe and you're in charge of how you're going to make people feel. And think about that. Don't just exist. Think about how you're existing and what vibe you're bringing. Are you going to be positive? Are you going to cheer people on? Are you going to help them? Are you going to be sensitive? You know, when you're in a bad mood, maybe don't bring that around everybody, you know, but bring the vibes. Like what vibe do you want? What do you want people to feel like after they've spent time with you? You know, I want people to feel inspired and I want people to feel a little bit more confident. And I want people to like spread that to other people. And so I would say to women specifically and to our friend who's here with us today, that you're incredible and you have a reservoir of strength you don't even know about and to use it for Good. ([Time 1:24:51](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3356482c-64d5-4022-b02d-400f836fdb75)) - **Master Saying No Boundaries** - Say no clearly without guilt, apology, or over-explaining to protect your time and energy. - Let others handle their reactions; your job is to maintain your own peace and boundaries. Transcript: Mel Robbins No apology, no guilt. Just no. No is a complete sentence. And if somebody doesn't like hearing your no, let them. That's the first part of the let them theory. Let them be disappointed. Let them be confused. Let them think you're selfish. Let them think whatever they want. And you want to know why? Because you're not responsible for how someone else reacts to your boundary. So you're going to have to learn to get comfortable with people being disappointed or frustrated when you say no and you set that boundary. Their discomfort is not your responsibility. Their reaction is not your job to manage. Saying no, it doesn't make you difficult. It makes you decisive. Saying no isn't selfish. It's necessary. It protects your time. It protects your energy. And most importantly, it protects you from overextending yourself and trying to manage everybody else. So the next time you feel that pressure to say yes, when your gut is like, no, remember this, say no, then pause and let them. Let them feel however they feel. You have permission to step back and stop over explaining your reasons. No matter what they say or how they react, remember, let them. And then I want you to remember the second part of the let them theory. Say, let me. What I love about let me is that it immediately shows you what you can control. Let me shifts the focus right back to where it belongs onto you. Let me set a boundary clearly and firmly. Let me say no. Let me cancel these plans because I just don't have it in me today. Let me focus on what I can control. You can control your attitude, your behavior, your values, your needs, your desires, and what you want to do in response to what just happened or what's going on around you or the requests That somebody just made of you. And here's why this works. When you start clearly communicating your boundaries and you actually stick to them, something amazing happens. You build trust with yourself. Every no strengthens your ability to prioritize your needs without guilt and hesitation. It's how you put yourself first instead of constantly putting yourself last. So right now, I want you to think of one area of your life where you're constantly overextending yourself and you've been holding back from saying no. Maybe this is happening at work. Maybe it happens all the time with your family. Maybe there's a friendship where you're constantly saying yes to things you don't want to be doing. Just pick one thing. And now I challenge you to say no clearly and decisively today. Let them have their reaction. Let them misunderstand you. Let them judge. But you, you stay firm. See, they're the ones that can deal with their reaction and their expectations and their disappointment. That's not your job to manage. Your job is to protect your peace and to protect your time and to protect yourself from all of this stuff you've been saying yes to that you now are going to say no to. That's what a boundary sounds like. No. ([Time 1:31:10](https://share.snipd.com/snip/46900590-5eac-4969-9748-0fb26d305c9b))