How to Repair Your Most Important Relationships  ## Metadata - Author: [[TED Radio Hour]] - Full Title: How to Repair Your Most Important Relationships - Category: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/0a51bfb9-405a-4d19-a288-d8c3bf3d8852 ## Document Notes ## Highlights - **Sunday Night Yell That Sparked Repair Work** - Becky Kennedy recounts a Sunday night where she lost her temper at her son over dinner and he slammed his door. - The moment left her feeling abyssal and motivated her to learn how to repair effectively. Transcript: Becky Kennedy Had a day. Like, I had a day. I was super stressed out. I hadn't slept. I was thinking about a million things at work. It was Sunday night. I mean, I don't know any parent who's like at their best on Sunday night. Manoush Zomorodi This is Becky Kennedy. She's a clinical psychologist and a mother of three. That night she was in the kitchen. It was time for dinner. Becky Kennedy And my son walked into the kitchen. He looks at the table and he's like, oh, chicken, disgusting. Literally like that, you know? Manoush Zomorodi Oh, so I'm just, I'm dying inside because substitute many different meals into that sentence and you're at my dinner table with my daughter. Right, exactly. Becky Kennedy So I did what any normal parent would do, which did not include a deep breath. Thank you very much. I freaked out at him. I was like, what is wrong with you? You don't appreciate anything I do. Did I call him a spoiled brat? Did I? I was scary. I was reactive. I mean, the way I look at it now, my bucket of not getting my own needs met, my bucket of stress was at its max. And all it took was my son dropping one drop in there for the entire thing to overflow. Manoush Zomorodi You gave it right back to him harder and faster because you're an adult. Yes. And how did, was he like, oh, mom's having a tough night? No, he was not like that. Becky Kennedy He, you know, he ran to his room and slammed his door. And now he's alone in his room and I'm alone in the kitchen. Manoush Zomorodi What was going through your mind? Becky Kennedy I felt like I was in an abyss. You know, going down, down, down. What is wrong with me? Why did I yell at my son? I wish I could take that moment back, and I can't take that moment back. And then also, like, what is wrong with my son? He's so ungrateful, and he made me yell, and ugh, no one makes me yell, Becky. You know, and then ugh, if anyone ever saw that this is the way you actually talk to your kid, they wouldn't even believe it. ([Time 0:01:15](https://share.snipd.com/snip/5a21128a-f268-424f-8586-2df9dff99f28)) - **Trauma Is About Aloneness Not The Event** - Trauma is defined by how an event is processed, especially if it is stored in aloneness rather than connection. - Repairing changes how the memory lives in a child's body and reduces lifelong self-blame. Transcript: Becky Kennedy It's not the yelling that messes up a kid. It's the lack of repair after the yelling that messes up a kid. So let's get back to my example. Here are the facts. My son is alone, overwhelmed, and in a state of distress because let's face it, his mom just became scary mom. And now he has to figure out a way to get back to feeling safe and secure. And if I don't go help him do that through making a repair, he has to rely on one of the only coping mechanisms he has at his own disposal. Self-blame. Self sounds like this. Something's wrong with me. I'm unlovable. I make bad things happen. And while self-blame works for us in childhood, we all know it works against us in adulthood. These are the core fears of so many adults. But really, we see here, they are actually the childhood stories we wrote when we were left alone following distressing events that went unrepaired. This relates to trauma in general, right? People always ask me, is this traumatic? Is it traumatic that I yelled? Is it traumatic that my kids saw this fight? Whatever the thing is. Trauma isn't an event. Trauma refers to the way an event gets processed in the body. And really, trauma refers to an event stored in aloneness rather than within a safe connection in this case with an adult and so the power of repair really changes our focus from the event Or the behavior of let's say the yelling to okay what can i do next to actually change the way that memory will live in my child's body. ([Time 0:06:41](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d21d3538-c255-460c-94a4-030c692446f4)) - **Repair Yourself Before Reconnecting** - Do repair with yourself first: name the behavior, separate it from your identity, and reduce shame before reconnecting. - Tell the child you are working on managing your feelings and that the yelling wasn't their fault. Transcript: Becky Kennedy One is rupture. Check that off. I crushed it. Step two, a quick apology won't cut it. That sounds like this. Hey, listen, I'm really sorry I yelled. I mean, look, if you didn't complain about dinner, it wouldn't have happened. But I'm sorry. That is not a repair. That doesn't count. But it's probably what you were thinking inside, though, a little bit, right? You know, the idea that my son made me yell at him, it's just the most powerless version of adulthood. People don't make us behave in certain ways. I was triggered in that moment. And my trigger had to do with so many things of which my son was like a tiny part. Manoush Zomorodi So yes, your child will provoke you. But before you address that behavior, you need to take step three. Becky Kennedy Repairing with yourself. That really, really matters, even though it sounds kind of cheesy. And even if my son says the worst thing to me, it's definitely outside of my value system to yell at my young child. So for me, that is a behavior out of line with my own values. We all have them. And often what stops us from repairing is actually that we feel intense shame about the behavior we would repair for. And we literally then can't even face it enough to name it and repair because we're trying so hard to avoid that reality. Okay. Manoush Zomorodi So it's really like giving yourself a timeout and making a clear distinction between the bad thing you did versus who you actually are as a person. Becky Kennedy Yes. I'm a good parent who is having a hard time. That is very different than I am a bad person who does bad things. And so reminding myself of that, it really took probably the ninth or 10th time for me to feel a tiny release in my body, you know, and I was no longer an abyss, maybe just a hole, but a hole Is a lot better than an abyss. It's a significant upgrade, I assure you. Right. And then like, it was like, I kind of was raising enough to kind of get grounded again. And only from that place can we repair with someone else. Now we're ready for the actual repair. And to me, there's some very basic steps of repairing with someone else. It's just name what happened, take responsibility for your behavior, and state what you would do differently the next time. Hey, listen, I yelled at you earlier. I'm sure that felt scary. And this might seem controversial, but I said this, it's never your fault when I yell. Look, I was frustrated and I'm working on managing my frustration so it doesn't come out in that way. That's not okay. And because I had repaired with myself and got to feeling like, okay, there is goodness inside me separate from this moment. ([Time 0:09:00](https://share.snipd.com/snip/dc46b5fa-30c4-4fad-9ba0-4b0c34efe9ae)) - **Turn Repair Into Collaborative Problem-Solving** - Do follow a repair with a practical, collaborative solution session 24 hours later to teach new skills. - Reframe conflict as "us against the problem" and brainstorm concrete changes together. Transcript: Becky Kennedy Sometimes it doesn't. Let's be real. So I always tell parents, wait 24 hours after your repair. You could say something like this to your kid. Hey, you know what I'm thinking about? Sometimes when I make dinner, you're going to like it, and sometimes you're not. And there's just so many ways you can tell someone that you're not loving the food you have. And I just know we can think of better ways than disgusting. You know, I wonder if you can even think of another way you can say that. I actually did say that to my son. And he literally said to me to my face, he goes, could I say not my favorite? And I was like, you know what? Yeah. Good one. Totally. Or maybe it's a different situation where I say, look, you know, yesterday, maybe internally, I know I apologized for freaking out at my kids in the morning. And then 24 hours later, I say, you know what I'm thinking about? Mornings have just been chaotic. And, like, I'm working on staying calm. But I'm also just thinking you and I are really on the same team here. Yeah. Like, we both want mornings to be smoother. Manoush Zomorodi Why is that reframing important? Becky Kennedy Yes. So what I would say, like there's two ways of talking to anybody when you're in conflict. You're either on one side of the table and you're looking at them as the problem, or we're on the same side of the table and together we are gazing at the other side of the table at the problem. It's either me against you, you're the problem, or me and you against a problem. And until we're in the second framework, we should literally never talk to anybody about any conflict. So when I say to my son, let's say, hey, I'm sure you don't want the mornings to feel like that either. Let's come up with some ideas that can make the mornings a little smoother and probably more fun. And then all of a sudden we can brainstorm, let's play this song or I make a visual chart or, you know, we have a little race in the morning, right? And then now instead of saying to my kid, you know, listen, if you just put your shoes on, you wouldn't get yelled at. I have repaired, which means I've set the stage for my kid to have confidence and positive self-talk and not engage in self-blame and self-doubt. Plus, in a very practical way, we are literally now able to make the mornings better because we've reconnected. Like, everybody wins. ([Time 0:18:40](https://share.snipd.com/snip/671066fc-8db5-4d8f-aeda-2177fd1d90e1)) - **It's Never Too Late To Repair** - Do attempt repairs even with adult children or estranged parents; it's never too late to reach out and listen without rebuttal. - Offer sincere openness: admit past struggles were about you and invite conversation, not instant reconciliation. Transcript: Becky Kennedy It is not too late. It is never too late. How do I know? Well, imagine right after this, you get a call from one of your parents. And if neither of your parents are alive, imagine finding and opening a letter you hadn't seen until that moment. Okay, walk through this with me. Here's the call. I was listening to this podcast and, you know, it made me think that there were probably a bunch of moments in your childhood that felt bad to you. And you were right to feel that way. And those moments were way more about me and something I was struggling with than anything about you and I don't know exactly where we go from here and I don't expect this to take away all The conflict we've had but if you ever want to talk to me about any of those moments I will listen I won't listen to have a rebuttal I won't listen to prove or refute I'll listen to understand I love you. I don't know many adults who don't have a fairly visceral reaction to that exercise. I often hear, why am I crying? Or, listen, that wouldn't change everything, but it might change some things. So if that imagined exercise had an impact on you, imagine the impact an actual repair will have on your child. ([Time 0:23:39](https://share.snipd.com/snip/23a5ce05-63f2-4e42-ae80-5a4a1fd545ac)) - **Death Care Is Hidden, Leaving Families Isolated** - Death care is often isolated because people avoid conversations about dying, leaving families unsupported. - A death doula fills gaps by holding grief, answering practical questions, and creating space to talk. Transcript: Manoush Zomorodi Arthur on the TED stage. Alua Arthur A little over 10 years ago, I was practicing law at the Legal Aid Foundation of Los Angeles, and I grew depressed. Not like a, oh my God, I'm so depressed, but like, for real depressed. Like, can't get out of bed depressed. Can't shower depressed, can't find hope, can't find a smile, but can't really find joy type of depressed. I took a medical leave of absence, so I went to Cuba, and I met a woman there, a fellow traveler on the bus who had uterine cancer. We spent the 14-hour bus ride talking about her life and also her death, and it was a highly illuminating conversation. I heard firsthand how hard it was for her to even be able to talk about her fears around mortality and her disease because people censored their own discomfort with mortality rather Than make space for her. I took the invitation, however, to think about my mortality and looked at my life from the perspective of my death for the very first time, and it was grim. I did not like what I saw. I noticed then that I had to live life on my own terms because I was the only one who was going to have to contend with all the choices that I'd made at my death. Manoush Zomorodi So you had what sounds like really a life-changing conversation with this woman. It made you think about your own mortality in a way that you had never before. And then something awful happened. Alua Arthur Not long after that bus trip, six months later, my brother-in was diagnosed with stage four Burkitt's lymphoma. But I also believed that he would get better because I couldn't imagine a world where he wouldn't. It seemed impossible that Peter would die. He was young. He was otherwise healthy. He was a dad. He was one of my close friends. There was no way. He's my sister's husband. No way. Of course he's going to live. That's just how it goes. And then four months into his treatment, I do remember distinctly the moment that I found out that they weren't going to be able to cure him. So I moved out to New York where he and my sister and my niece were and supported him through the end of his life along with everybody else, his community that was there. And during that time is where I felt a strong need for the work that I currently do, but couldn't find anybody, couldn't identify a person who could do the job that I needed them to do. Manoush Zomorodi So, but you learned a lot in terms of what people need during those tough months. I did. Alua Arthur Most importantly, I think I learned how isolating it is. And there weren't people that we could really talk to about what was happening. ([Time 0:27:40](https://share.snipd.com/snip/8d8f51aa-b825-4625-b207-87aa10488a39)) - **Prioritize Presence And Sensory Joy At End Of Life** - Do cultivate sensory pleasures and presence when dying: prioritize meaningful small experiences like favorite foods. - When possible, enable the dying person to savor sensations even if it means adapting how they access them. Transcript: Alua Arthur Yeah. This client, when she came to me, she had practically everything else checked off the list. She had her end-of plan complete. She just was looking for anything else that she needed to do. And what became clear was that she was still trying to figure out what her time on earth had been for. She'd had a great career. She'd had children. A big thing that came up during the conversation was a bit of a judgment of herself that her children hadn't been the center of her life and that they weren't everything for her. She thought that her purpose somehow should have been wrapped up in her kids and for her it wasn't. And so that caused a lot of confusion. And she felt as a bit of an outsider to a lot of mothers that she knew. But when it came right down to it, she became clear that her purpose wasn't wrapped up in her children or her work at all. But the fact that she was alive, that she had a chance to be here for the time that she was here and to engage with food and other humans and laughter and sunshine, which was, I remember chatting About this with my therapist who was like, I'll bet a lot of people don't ever say that they don't think that their kids are the purpose of their lives. And I thought, that is so controversial. So juicy, so salacious. We can't say things like that. Manoush Zomorodi Can't even think it. Can't think it. Alua Arthur But for many, I think it's the truth. And we deny it until we're laying on the deathbed and we're thinking, wow, did I wrap myself all up in something that was not true for me? While she was healthy, it was about the next career milestone of what's happening with the kids next or the next trip. When she was sick, more of the same. Next doctor's appointment, next scan, next medication. It was always out there. She was always, always looking out there. But death was coming to remind her that she had no more out there. That it was always only right here, where there is nothing at all to do but simply to be. We zoomed out on her life to look at what she enjoyed, to see where she placed value, because from there we can figure out where we place meaning. It was about the little things. Her hands in the soil, her garden, building a fire, reading books, and food. She loved to eat, but she had dieted most of her adult life. Does that sound at all familiar to anybody? Okay, if it does, this is for you, okay? If you take nothing away, hear this. You are going to die, so please eat the cake. Eat the cake. Order the dessert, eat the french fries, eat the brownies, eat everything you want to. Just eat it, because you're going to die. One day you won't be able to anymore. At this point in her disease process, chemotherapy had ravaged her taste buds, so she had to rely on her sense of smell to get pleasure out of eating. And she ate. She did it as much as she could, because she knew she wouldn't be able to for much longer. She ate as much as cancer would allow, and when her body could no longer process food, we placed her favorite passion fruit souffle right on her lip. And she would lick it and smile. She lived more in the last eight months or so of her life with the help of hospice than she had before. ([Time 0:37:45](https://share.snipd.com/snip/4bfc3283-14df-48c2-b96b-e888c1ba7a2e)) - **Indigenous Guardianship Protects Biodiversity And People** - Indigenous guardianship links land stewardship with community healing and biodiversity protection. - Empowering Indigenous-led conservation protects huge carbon stores and restores ecological balance. Transcript: Valérie Cotoy I'm from the Innu community of Mistuyats, located in Pekwagami, in the heart of what is now known as Quebec. I'm here with you tonight to leave you with hope. We need it now more than ever. Our home, our shared beautiful mother, our planet is experiencing ecological turmoil. We humans are transforming it to a point where we are risking the survival of millions of species. I've seen firsthand the devastating impact of climate change and the loss of biodiversity in my homeland of Nusinan and all across what is now known as Canada. But I've also seen something else. Something that gives me hope. It's not a technology from a lab. It's not a policy made in Ottawa or D.C. It is the fundamental that is expressed by our elders and knowledge keepers this way. If we take care of the land, the land takes care of us. This is about a relationship, a mutual love story. It's not an accident that 80% of the world's remaining biodiversity are located on lands managed and loved by Indigenous peoples. We have been in relationships with the plants and animals of our territories and waters for millennia. Surely, we have values, insights, strategies and knowledge to offer to the rest of the global community with respect to how to be a part of and care for our environment. This knowledge is essential right now. It can help people and the land heal from ecological crises and colonization. It can help restore the planet and it can help save us all. What does it look like? It looks like Indigenous guardians. So you've heard of the guardians of the galaxy? Well, these guardians are doing a much more important job right here on Earth, just without the soundtrack. Guardians are trained experts who work on behalf of their Indigenous nations. They monitor water quality, care for Indigenous protected and conserved areas, conduct research on climate impacts, and help restore species like caribou, salmon, and moose. Their work is rooted in Indigenous and Western sciences, and their training includes everything from GIS mapping to spending time with elders and knowledge keepers. We need this now more than ever. Time and again, I've heard people say that being a guardian has changed their lives. I think of the young Jarrett Kwok, a young man from the Taltan First Nation in what is now known as British Columbia. Jarrett used to be a heavy equipment operator working on job sites far from his community. He faced racism from non-Indigenous peoples and, unfortunately, he struggled with addictions. So when a job opened up with the Tall Tan Wildlife Guardians, he decided to take it. He said, being a guardian helped get me through the tough times in my life. Being connected to the land and talking with elders helped me overcome my addictions. And at the end of the day, I could walk away with the pride of being First Nations. As a person who's been a witness to and felt the intergenerational trauma from the colonial experience, I've found no better strategy to healing than nurturing our relationship with Our place. The land heals, and I wish that experience for anyone who is experienced and lives with trauma. Researchers have documented the impacts of guardian programs. People's health improves on the land because they're on the land, because they're physically active, and because they're happy. And guardianship isn't just good for guardians, it's good for everyone, because the land is taking care of guardians and guardians are taking care of the land. Many work in the boreal forest, which stretches from Alaska to Newfoundland. It is one of the largest intact forests left on the planet. Having guardians on the ground will help us sustain so many species like caribou, salmon, moose, lynx, songbirds, medicinal plants, and countless other species, species that are Unfortunately threatened in much of the rest of the world. The Cascadene in northern British Columbia are planning to create a protected area the size of Switzerland. And in northern Manitoba, four Dene and Cree nations are coming together to protect the Seal River watershed. It will be nearly five times the size of Yellowstone National Park. That protected area in the Seal River watershed I mentioned, it holds 1.7 billion tons of carbon, equivalent to eight years worth of greenhouse gas emissions in Canada alone. Protecting the watershed will help keep that carbon in place. These are the kind of lands that guardians are caring for. As Gloria Enzo, a Nihutni Dene guardian from the Northwest Territories says, we are sustaining our traditional territories not only for us, but for the whole world. By honoring and respecting Indigenous-led approaches to the land, we can create a better future for all. In fact, I'd like to ask you to join Indigenous Peoples. There is so much that we can do together. Specifically, study the history of Indigenous nations with traditional territories in the places where you live and work. Create space for Indigenous voices and uplift them. Hold up our communities and respect our knowledge systems. ([Time 0:46:23](https://share.snipd.com/snip/43b447fa-2c8a-45d8-bd8c-72a7af4f8f7e))