If You’re Feeling Overwhelmed, You Need to Hear This  ## Metadata - Author: [[The Mel Robbins Podcast]] - Full Title: If You’re Feeling Overwhelmed, You Need to Hear This - Category: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/0d1292fc-1a04-4c2f-b97c-1947a7929af1 ## Document Notes ## Highlights - **Stress Versus Overwhelm** - Stress is pressure that can motivate short-term action, while overwhelm is hitting a capacity threshold and shutting down. - Mel Robbins explains that using the two terms interchangeably led to burnout for many people. Transcript: Mel Robbins Did you know that there is a major difference between moments where you feel stressed versus when you feel overwhelmed? I mean, I've used those words interchangeably my entire life. And now I realize, based on what you're going to learn today, it led to burnout. Because if you don't know the difference between overwhelm and stress, I know it's costing you too. I mean, have you ever had one of those moments where it's like your brain just shuts down because you have too much to do? Well, I want to tell you something. You're not crazy. You're not lazy. You are definitely not alone. I have been there. And today, I'm going to give you the four steps to get out of overwhelm when life feels like just too much. Now, these four steps come directly from two of your favorite medical experts that have appeared on the Mel Robbins podcast. You love these doctors, and they're going to explain, first of all, the important difference, medically speaking, between a moment where you're stressed and overwhelmed. They're going to explain why these four simple steps work at a biological level. And by the end of this episode, you're going to know when you're stressed versus those moments where life is just too much and you're overwhelmed. And you're also going to know how to pull yourself out of it so you can feel clear and in control again. Everybody wants the perfect vacation, but you end up stressing over every detail and suddenly any chance of relaxing is gone. Not in Aruba, though, because this island throws perfection out the window and instead gives you something better. Love. If you visit Aruba and you walk on its white sand beaches, loved by generations of Arubans, you'll feel the whole island embrace you back. Sounds relaxing, no? Say goodbye to perfection and say hello to Aruba. ([Time 0:00:12](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f40a2444-f027-4484-a7b5-0a728f6a2dce)) - **Out-Of-Control Challenges Drive Overwhelm** - Overwhelm happens when many challenges are out of your control and you hit your capacity to cope. - Dr. K says overwhelm is not weakness but too many unchosen demands piling up. Transcript: Dr. K Dr. K said. Mel, I'd love to help you make sense of overwhelm. Here's some stuff I'd love to share. When I deal with patients who are overwhelmed, they feel like life is coming at them way too fast. I have to deal with this over here, and then my boss wants this, and my kid wants this, and then this person is sick, and I need to do some back-to shopping. So life is coming at you, and you feel completely out of control. You don't feel overwhelmed from dealing with too much. You get overwhelmed when many of the things that you're dealing with are out of your control. Being overwhelmed isn't about being too weak or not strong enough. It's about carrying too many challenges that you didn't choose and too few that you did. Mel Robbins I wanna highlight something that he said, okay? So I wanna highlight this thing. You don't feel overwhelmed from dealing with too much. You get overwhelmed when many of the things that you're dealing with are out of your control. Just stop and think about that. In moments where you're stressed, you got the pressure on, you're cruising through things. In moments of overwhelm, it does feel like life is coming at you. And the reason why we say it feels like life is coming at you and then all of a sudden you tap out is because the things that are coming at you probably feel like they're out of control. Whether that's the nonstop deadlines at work or the goalpost always moving in terms of what you are supposed to do in order to succeed, whether it's caring for somebody who's got a chronic Illness. And so that's largely out of your control, whether it's the headlines, like all these things that are coming at you. I think that's such an important thing to understand that a lot of the things that overwhelm you are things that you didn't choose. Or there's too few things that you did choose. Meaning you're not in control of some of the things that are important to you because everything else has started to become a priority. And the reason why you feel out of control is because whatever that load is that's coming at you exceeds your capacity. You've hit the threshold. That's why the system shuts down. You just don't have room. It's not working anymore. In other words, overwhelm is like a total collapse. That's why the ways that you get out of a stressful moment are very different from how you recover from overwhelm, right? Stress requires a bit of problem solving based on the situation and the amount of pressure that you're feeling. And when you problem solve the right way, you always start to feel the pressure go down, right? And the stress alleviate. Overwhelm is completely different because you've hit this threshold and you really need to do a reset. That's why the steps that we're going to go through today really matter because it's not about problem solving. It's really about resetting your capacity to handle what you're going through. ([Time 0:09:40](https://share.snipd.com/snip/1196424a-20db-445c-ab0b-45f932cc27cb)) - **Double In, Then Flush** - Do a biological reset when overwhelmed by practicing cyclic breathing: two quick inhales through the nose, then one long exhale through the mouth. - Repeat for a minute to change your nervous system from sympathetic to parasympathetic. Transcript: Mel Robbins After you've labeled what you're dealing with, you're going to breathe. Now, don't roll your eyes at me, okay? Because we're going to use the biology and the science and the physiology of your breath to alter your biological state of overwhelm and stress. How cool is this? But you don't have to take it from me. I want you to hear why breath is the second step from Dr. Aditi. Check this out. Dr. Aditi Nurkar The reason your breath can be so helpful as a first step in managing those feelings of overwhelm and chronic stress is because your breath is the only physiological mechanism in your Body that is under voluntary and involuntary control. Your brain waves don't do that. Your digestion doesn't do that. No other system in your body is under voluntary and involuntary control, which is why your breath is such a powerful gateway to resetting your stress response. Since Dr. Mel Robbins Aditi just shared with us that breathing is a powerful way to not only reset your stress response, but also to help you get out of these moments of overwhelm, I'm sure you're thinking The same thing that I'm thinking, which is, okay, what am I supposed to do with the breathing? How am I breathing? So there's a specific form of breathing that has a lot of different names, okay? Some people call it cyclic breathing. Other people call it a physiological sigh or physiological breathing. I was first told about this type of breathing by Dr. Russell Kennedy, who is an expert that has appeared on this podcast. He's also quoted in the Let Them Theory book. And in order to simplify it, because I'm going to teach it to you right now, because I use it all the time in moments when I'm overwhelmed, I've given it a name I can remember. And here it is. When life's too much, just double in, then flush. Okay? And let me explain the science behind this form of breathing. There's a lot of research coming out of Stanford that explains why this form of breathing is particularly effective in moments of overwhelm or even anxiety. If you love Huberman Lab and the work of Dr. Andrew Huberman, he talks a lot about this in terms of the physiological sigh. But the bottom line is this has been around for a long time and the clinical definition is cyclical breathing. And it was explained to me by Dr. Russell Kennedy. So when you're in a state of overwhelm, like your breathing can be really quick, right? And so are your thoughts because you're at capacity. Or you can be so kind of overwhelmed that you're not even aware of your thoughts or aware of your breathing. And that's because, as Dr. Aditi just explained to you, your body's fight or flight on edge response is now activated. So Dr. Russ Kennedy, who calls himself the anxiety MD online, taught you and me this technique when I interviewed him on this podcast. I love it. And here's how you do it. Remember, when life's too much, you're just going to double in and then flush. That's it. It's just two quick inhales through your nose. Double inhale through the nose. Flush it out with one long exhale through the mouth. Now, if you repeat that cyclic breathing technique for a minute, you will feel different. If you do it for five minutes a day, the research out of Stanford shows it can reduce anxiety more than meditation. So remember, cyclic breathing is step two. You're going to label stress or label that you're overwhelmed. Then you're going to remember, I got to breathe because I'm in a biologically compromised state. When life is too much, double in, exhale, and flush that overwhelm out. ([Time 0:25:42](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c482bcb8-6a02-4a28-9848-acc2598aa5cb)) - **Breath Is A Biological Toggle** - Breath toggles between sympathetic (fight/flight) and parasympathetic (rest/digest) nervous systems. - Dr. Aditi explains voluntary breath control uniquely lets you shift your physiological stress response. Transcript: Dr. Aditi Nurkar Just as there are two kinds of stress, there are two kinds of nervous systems in your body. One is called the sympathetic nervous system. This is where the fight or flight response lives. And that is what the amygdala powers. The second system in your body is called your parasympathetic system or rest and digest. The fascinating thing about your brain and body is that these two systems are mutually exclusive. They can't be turned on at the same time. It's like a light switch. When the sympathetic system is on, your parasympathetic system is off and vice versa. Your breath can be the toggle between these two systems. When you are feeling a sense of anxiety, overwhelm, or chronic stress, most likely you have rapid, shallow breathing in your chest, what we call in science thoracic breathing. And when you are mellow, relaxed, and really driven by the parasympathetic system or the rest and digest system, you have deep belly breathing. In science, we call this diaphragmatic breathing. And the reason your breath can be such a powerful tool is because you can move from that fight or flight sympathetic nervous system back to rest and digest or the ([Time 0:29:55](https://share.snipd.com/snip/aa69c229-1440-447d-8be7-81f0b09353db)) - **Empty Your Mind With A Brain Dump** - Do a 10-minute brain dump: set a timer and write every task, worry, and emotion without editing. - Offloading reduces cognitive load and frees your brain to perform better. Transcript: Mel Robbins What is that? I call this a brain dump. What is a brain dump? Oh my gosh. It's as simple as getting out a piece of paper and picking up a pen and dumping all of that crap you're carrying in your brain down on a piece of paper. Now, I can almost hear you. I can almost hear you say, Mel, oh my gosh, give me a break. Overwhelm? I'm going to breathe and do a brain dump? It can't be that easy. Well, let me ask you something. When you're overwhelmed, do you want a complicated solution to fight the overwhelm? I didn't think so. Life's already complicated enough. You need something simple to do that's backed by research. So if you really stop and think about what I'm asking you to do, I'm asking you to take everything on your mind that is weighing you down, that you're carrying around, that is contributing To the chronic stress, all of the things on your to-do list, all of the ways that you're making yourself wrong, all of the things that you didn't have a chance to get to, the reminders, The don't forget to call the mom, to pick up the prescription, to email Sarah back about the budget, to text your friend whose birthday you forgot, to sign the field trip permission slip And call the doctor and get a physical before the sports team stuff, to register for classes before the registration window stuff. When did we say we were going to go meet about that fundraiser or my friends, whatever? All of it, all of it. But don't just stop at all the to-dos. Get all the emotional stuff out. The awkward conversation that you are avoiding, the fact that you know that you are slowly, quietly quitting this relationship, the anxiety that your kids feel, the resentment that Is building up with your partner because they're not doing their fair share around the house, but you just don't want to say anything, the weird things that you ruminate about at 2 a.m., Get it all out. Oh, there's a lot up there, isn't it? If you really think about the size of your head, it's kind of crazy how much you're carrying around. No wonder it's weighing you down. Get it all out. Get it out of your brain. That's the goal. And here's how you can do it. I want you to set a timer for 10 minutes. Grab a notebook or open up a dock on your phone or your laptop, and then you're not allowed to edit. You're not allowed to organize it. Nothing. It's just like barfing on paper or on the screen. Everything gets written down. Every task, every to-do, every fear, every worry, every should, every conversation, every idea, every, oh yeah, I forgot about that thing. Here's one that would go on my list right now. My sink has been backing up forever. Like it's been backing up for months and months and months. And every time I brush my teeth in the morning, I've got like four inches of water in the sink. This morning, do you know what I did? I had my curling iron turned on. I forgot that the sink backed up and I literally set the plugged in curling iron into a sink full of water. I'm surprised I didn't electrocute myself. I have been thinking about this thing forever. I need to get it out of my brain because it's weighing me down. I just need to unclog the sink. I think about it all the time, but it's not going anywhere. That's an example. You've got thousands of those things that you're carrying around. And by the way, whatever you dump out, it should be messy because this isn't a planning exercise. This is a purge. The technical term for a brain dump is cognitive offloading. Let me hit you with some research about why this works. There was a meta-analysis done in 2025. That means they've analyzed a bunch of different studies and then summarized it for you and me. That confirms that when you write things down, in other words, you get it out of your head, you cognitively offload. You reduce your mental strain. You improve your brain's ability to perform. Your brain performs better when it knows it doesn't have to remember everything. Let me tell you why. Because your brain is not a storage unit. It's a processor. And when you use your brain to hold onto everything, instead of directing it to help you handle everything, you are clogging up your brain. And it's creating spinning and forgetting and shutting down. I want you to think about it like you open up your computer and there's a thousand tabs open. You've got a thousand tabs open in your mental browser right now. ([Time 0:34:07](https://share.snipd.com/snip/d19a4c2a-1ce1-4786-9aaf-a77ed1d3373c)) - **The Clogged Sink Example** - Mel recounts her clogged sink that she kept forgetting, illustrating how small unresolved issues clutter the mind. - The example shows why simple tasks repeatedly occupy mental bandwidth until resolved. Transcript: Mel Robbins Here's one that would go on my list right now. My sink has been backing up forever. Like it's been backing up for months and months and months. And every time I brush my teeth in the morning, I've got like four inches of water in the sink. This morning, do you know what I did? I had my curling iron turned on. I forgot that the sink backed up and I literally set the plugged in curling iron into a sink full of water. I'm surprised I didn't electrocute myself. I have been thinking about this thing forever. I need to get it out of my brain because it's weighing me down. I just need to unclog the sink. I think about it all the time, but it's not going anywhere. ([Time 0:36:42](https://share.snipd.com/snip/80940fb1-409d-43ec-a664-9774636c2cde)) - **Unfinished Tasks Aid Sleep** - Writing unfinished tasks before bed reduces the 'open loops' that keep your mind active. - Baylor research showed people who wrote undone tasks fell asleep about nine to ten minutes faster. Transcript: Mel Robbins But I did check into this and believe it or not, there's research on this. Baylor University did a study where one group of people journaled before bed about what they had already accomplished. Okay, so this is like one of those. So today I did all these things. The other group, check this out. You know what they wrote down? They wrote down everything they didn't do. So basically, what was on your to-do list that you didn't get to? And who do you think fell asleep faster? The people that journaled about what they got done or the people that brain dumped all the things that they didn't do on a piece of paper, basically sleeping next to a to-do list for next Day. The people who wrote the unfinished tasks, honest to God, that's the people who slept better. They fell asleep nine to 10 minutes faster than the group of people who wrote down what they got done. Now let's just unpack this for a second, okay? Why would writing down all of the things that you didn't get to on a piece of paper before you go to bed help you sleep, help you fall asleep nine to 10 minutes faster? By the way, that's the same effect as some prescription sleep aids in clinical trials. I'll tell you why. It has to do with something called the Zagarnik effect. See, your brain hates open loops. Open loops are these like open tabs in your mind. It's all the things that you haven't done. It's the lingering ideas. It's the things on your list you didn't get to. These open tabs, these undone things, your brain's just gonna keep cycling through them because it's afraid you're gonna forget it. It's trying to help you. But see, when your brain sees that you and I just wrote, oh yeah, I got to buy Drano. I've got to do the birthday text. I got to make sure I do this. Your brain sees it all dumped on a piece of paper. You just cognitively offloaded it. It's like, oh, check, check, check. So if you're lying in bed staring at the ceiling thinking about emails and errands and phone calls, the fix isn't lavender oil or white noise. It's a brain dump. The research proves if you offload the things you're thinking about onto a piece of paper, the Zagarnik effect takes hold and your brain can literally let it go and drift into sleep. ([Time 0:43:13](https://share.snipd.com/snip/ff0c0427-916e-42c2-829d-5d74e77ca1bc)) - **Add One Chosen Action** - Add one active challenge you choose, even when overwhelmed, to regain control and balance passive demands. - Small consistent actions (e.g., daily walk, writing, no-alcohol day) restore agency and improve coping. Transcript: Dr. K Brain dump. Let's take a listen to Dr. K. When your brain is feeling overwhelmed, it's actually measuring two different kinds of things. One is something called a passive challenge. Passive challenges are things that happen to you without you ever choosing them. These are things like paying taxes, dealing with a spouse or child or parent who gets sick, or other things just out of your control. The other really interesting thing is there's another kind of challenge called an active challenge. These are challenges that you face in your life that are things you actually choose to do. So when you wake up on a morning and you say, you know what, I'm going to learn how to bake sourdough. This may require a lot of work, maybe a lot of effort, but it's something that you choose. Now, the really interesting thing is that whether your brain feels overwhelmed is not based on the number of things that you are dealing with. This is what a lot of people get wrong. It is based on the ratio of passive challenges to active challenges. When I deal with patients who are overwhelmed, they feel like life is coming at them way too fast. I have to deal with this over here, and then my boss wants this, and my kid wants this, and then this person is sick, and I need to do some back-to school shopping. So life is coming at you and you feel completely out of control. The really scary thing is that when life is coming at you at a really fast pace, what is the first thing that you give up? You give up the things that you want to do. You stop working on your book, you stop exercising, you stop learning how to make sourdough because you don't have the time, which fair enough. The problem is then the percentage of things that you have control over in life actually decreases. Dr. Mel Robbins K, that is fascinating because it's true that in those moments where you're overwhelmed, you do stop doing the things that you care about, which means the only thing on your plate is The bills and work and caring for your aging parents or the dog that's sick or the fact that you got to find a new, like all of these things that you didn't choose that are coming at you. So if you recognize that that's true, you're in this state where just so much of what you have to deal with every day feels like it's out of your control and also feels like something you Don't want to have to deal with. And you didn't choose for your kid to have anxiety. You didn't choose for, you know, there to be a challenging job market. And now you're overwhelmed looking for a new job. You didn't choose the divorce. And now you're faced with all the things that you have to deal with. So what is the advice you give to your patients? Because we're already overwhelmed. Dr. K Life's already coming at us. What do we do, Dr. K? So we have a really interesting technique that we use in psychiatry, and there's tons of research to support this, that if someone is feeling out of control in their life, the solution Isn't to cut back because that's what all my patients want. They wish their boss would leave them alone. They wish they didn't have to pay taxes this year. The solution is not to cut back on what life is sending your way, although that would certainly make things easy. The real solution is to take on more active challenges. Start to take control of a single thing in your life. Mel Robbins I'm sorry, Dr. Gay, that makes no sense. That makes no sense. I'm already overwhelmed and my brain isn't working. How is taking on something else when I've hit this threshold the answer? How does that work? Can you give me an example of what your patients add in? Dr. K Like, how are you dealing with this in your clinical practice? When I work with patients who are in the throes of addiction, they're going through divorce, they're on probation at work, they have legal problems and DUIs, almost all of them start By taking control of one thing in their life. In this case, it could be, I'm not going to drink today. And as you start to take a little bit of control in your life, your brain feels less overwhelmed, and then you are better able to handle those passive challenges. Mel Robbins I actually understand what you're saying. ([Time 0:47:00](https://share.snipd.com/snip/7a8c1eb3-ee60-4f61-96ae-f2f27566e32a))