Let Them: How to Take Back Your Peace and Power  ## Metadata - Author: [[The Mel Robbins Podcast]] - Full Title: Let Them: How to Take Back Your Peace and Power - Category: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/0802b240-1b87-448e-8057-1c7768493490 ## Document Notes ## Highlights - **Holding Back Joy For Others** - A producer told Mel someone delayed posting an engagement photo to avoid hurting a friend's feelings. - This shows how people shrink themselves to manage others' emotions. Transcript: Mel Robbins And you might not even realize it. So as we were getting ready to do this episode, we were all talking as a team. And one of the producers on the team said that they know somebody who held back from posting their engagement photo on social media because they were worried that their photo would trigger Another friend who was sad about a breakup. I mean, isn't that kind of crazy? That's an example of assuming responsibility for somebody else being happy. You don't post a photo online because you're afraid it's going to make somebody else sad. It's relatable, but it's also kind of crazy that we do this. Or how about this one? Writing five versions of a text to somebody before you hit send because you're worried about it sounding too harsh and you're, seriously? Or how about this one? Staging family dinners like it's a UN peace summit, rearranging seats so nobody fights this time and nobody is unhappy about where they're sitting? Or how about apologizing for saying no? Even when no is reasonable, and by the way, no is a complete sentence, why do you have to apologize for the fact that you're saying no? Oh, I know why. Because you're taking on the responsibility that the person is okay with you saying no and that they're not upset or disappointed because now you're responsible for them being happy Even though you need to say no. Or how about pretending you're, quote, fine, even though you're going through a really tough time, but you don't want to talk about it because you think if you talk about what's going On, you're going to kill the vibe. You're going to bring down the mood and everybody else deserves to be happy, but you, so you're going to take responsibility for that. Or maybe you walk on eggshells at home to avoid your partner's rotten mood after a stressful day at work. So now their stressful day at work is somehow your responsibility to make sure that you don't make it worse. Or maybe you let a friend just vent endlessly about their issues or their breakup or their mother. And you never draw a line and protect your own happiness and say, you know, this is a lot. And I just really can't handle listening to any more of this right now. Or maybe it looks like this. This was me for a long time with my husband. You're constantly managing somebody else's mood and hoping that they're happy. So you check in all the time. Are you okay? What are you thinking about? Are you mad? Did I do something wrong? Because you want everything to be perfect all the time. And if your partner's happy, then you're happy. And it's your responsibility to not only make sure they're happy, but to check in and make sure that they're happy all the time. It makes you crazy. I used to do this constantly. Or always being the planner in your family or your friend group. Because if you don't host the barbecue this year, if you don't organize mom's birthday gift, if you're not the one that's on the ball, then somebody's going to be disappointed. It's not going to happen. And somehow this is your responsibility in life. Or you avoid asking for help because you don't want to add stress to somebody else's plate because they're really busy. And it's just easier if you do this and you don't want to rock the waves. Or you say you're happy to help, but secretly, no, you're not because you're overwhelmed and you just literally are so exhausted, but you just constantly take on the responsibility Of making sure everybody else is okay. Oh my God. Even just explaining all of this, you just feel heavier and you might be shaking your head going, wow, I don't do all those things, but I do some of those things. ([Time 0:08:40](https://share.snipd.com/snip/0dd66648-8eda-4863-8927-2f0fce2eef85)) - **Say No Without Apology** - Be honest and say no without apologizing when something doesn't align with you. - Say yes only when it genuinely makes you happy and aligns with your values. Transcript: Mel Robbins You have to ask yourself, why are you doing this? Why are you saying yes? Why are you agreeing to these things? Why are you taking the extra shift at work? Why are you offering to babysit your sister's untrained dog yet again while she goes away? Even though, like, why are you doing this? If you're doing it for them and doing nice things for other people makes you feel good, good. That means you're doing it for you because it makes you feel good to be that kind of person. Do you see what I mean? Say yes to babysitting the dog because it makes you happy. Say yes to volunteering at school because it makes you happy. Say yes to changing your plans and going to that wedding or being excited about the business opportunity over a birthday weekend because it makes you happy. Do it for you. Don't do it for them. Because if you're chronically doing things because you think you should or because you think it's your responsibility to make other people happy or to meet their expectations, or Because you're worried that other people will be disappointed, which is just another way to say, I'm responsible for people not being disappointed. I'm responsible for their happiness. That's terrible. That's the worst reason to do something. Because number one, now you are assuming responsibility for somebody else's expectations being met. You're assuming responsibility for somebody not being disappointed. You're assuming responsibility for somebody's happiness and you're ignoring your own. So it's a double whammy of negativity. That's why it's not good. And even more, resentment starts to build up in your relationships. I kid you not, because you start to blame your parents for constantly throwing a guilt trip when the truth is you've assumed responsibility for making sure that they're never uncomfortable Or disappointed. There's an easier way. Let them be disappointed. And let me make decisions that make me feel good about myself. And so don't confuse your innate desire to make people happy, which is a good thing, with this imagined responsibility that their happiness is your full-time job. That's where we get this wrong. There was a study done out of Cardingy Mellon that was led by this psychology professor, Vicki Helgeson, where she tracks college students that were just going about their lives for 10 days. And it was so interesting what this study found. It found that the students who were constantly taking care of everyone else, but never asked for help, ended up drained, stressed out, and worse off emotionally. These were the over-givers, the fixers, the people who think that it's their job to keep everyone else okay. But the more that they tried to manage other people's emotions, the worse they felt. I mean, instead of bringing peace into your life, the worse they felt. Let me explain what this means because I think as you're listening, you're going, well, no kidding, because that's how I feel right now. See, instead of bringing peace into your life, constantly overextending yourself because you think it's your responsibility to make everybody okay, it leads to you feeling more Anxious and emotionally burnt out. It couldn't be clear. See, when you're in that mode where you assume responsibility for other people's happiness, you're actually not helping. You're hurting yourself. I'm going to say it again. You are only responsible for your own happiness. That doesn't make you selfish. It helps you make better choices. It helps you own what you're doing, and it helps you prioritize yourself. Let them be unhappy. Let them be upset. Let them be disappointed. And let me make decisions and prioritize my time and energy and live my life aligned with my values and what's happening in this moment and do so in a way that makes me happy. Because when I say yes, let me be honest about the reason why I'm saying yes. I say yes because I want to say yes. I say yes because it matters to me. And when I make decisions that way, I take responsibility for the choices I'm making. And ultimately, I feel in control. And when I feel in control, guess what? ([Time 0:17:27](https://share.snipd.com/snip/2536078b-f4a8-408a-934f-f7a002f09a48)) - **Check What Problem You're Solving** - Ask yourself which problem you're trying to solve when helping someone. - If they're not accepting help, stop enabling and let them take responsibility. Transcript: Mel Robbins And so it is helpful. Ask yourself, what is the problem you're trying to solve? Because in life, there's lots of problems, but most of them are not your responsibility to solve. And often when you step across that line and you try to make somebody else's problem go away, you make the situation worse. And you may be thinking, how can I be making the situation worse, Mel? It's already terrible. They're already unmotivated. They're already spiraling. They're already struggling. How is my help making the situation worse? It's the exact question to ask. It's the right thing to grapple with. And so I've grappled with the same thing, which is why I want to turn to two world-renowned experts who were part of the research that we did in writing the let them theory. This is in the chapter titled, The More You Rescue, The More They Sink. I'm reading from page 231. The section begins, Let People Learn From Life. Dr. Robert Waldinger is a practicing psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, as well as a clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He also leads the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the most extensive and longstanding research projects on adult life. Dr. Waldinger addressed this specifically when I talked to him. He said, let people learn from life. Don't shield them from the consequences of what they choose. If somebody says, I really don't want to get a job. Okay, well, how are you going to pay your rent? There are a lot of things we can do to help people meet the challenges of life by not shielding them from the challenges of life. This often happens in the realm of addiction with loved ones. We have to let people deal with the pain of losing a job or losing a partner because they're addicted to some substance. Don't try to run in and make it all better. When we let people face the real world consequences of the choices they make, they hopefully learn from them. Maybe they need to spend a night in jail. Maybe they need to lose their job or their license or their family. Maybe you need to take them out of college. Maybe they need to live with you because they need family around them. Maybe they're just so far gone, they are going to be homeless. And it's not just in the most extreme cases like addiction and severe mental illness. This same principle applies when someone is struggling with homesickness, anxiety, or self-doubt. Dr. Luana Marquez, a clinical psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School, told me that avoidance is a habit and coping mechanism that is very common when someone is confronted. Your loved one is going to avoid situations, conversations, or behavior changes that feel hard. It's human nature to reach for what feels easy and to move away from what you're facing that is difficult, whether that's going back to school or looking for a job or maintaining your Sobriety or asking for help or filing for bankruptcy or filing for divorce. It's important to embrace the facts here so you can approach this from a rational and science-backed method. Stop avoiding the problem. Stop solving their problems and let them learn from life. The fact is, helping takes two people. The person giving the help, that's you, and the person accepting the help. If you're giving someone help and they're not accepting it, it flips from helping to enabling because you're the one doing all the work. They're not an active participant in solving their problems anymore. You're the one solving it, and that's what makes it enabling rather than help. So if you know that helping takes two people and someone's not accepting the help that you're giving, or they're not meeting the terms and conditions upon which you've been giving the Money or the support, you need to say to yourself, let them struggle. Remember, people change when they're ready to change. And sometimes it takes people a very long time to change. Sometimes it takes someone going through a lot of painful experiences before they wake up and discover the strength within themselves. You're not responsible for rescuing people from their problems, so stop doing it. Let them learn from life. ([Time 0:32:13](https://share.snipd.com/snip/6d32dace-7263-4228-89cf-faa61c20f7c5)) - **You Don't Owe Explanations** - You don't have to make others understand your choices because they interpret everything through their perspective. - Expect misunderstanding and act for yourself, not to secure others' approval. Transcript: Mel Robbins You're not responsible for making people understand your choices. Let them misunderstand you. Let them think you're wrong, misguided, or strange. Let them think it's cringy because you're not responsible for making people understand. You know, like I keep telling you, there's something in life that you will never be able to control, and that's other people. What they think, what they do, what they believe, whether or not they understand what's going on or they're questioning you. That means you cannot control what another person thinks about you, about what you're doing, about what you're wearing, about your career moves. You will never, ever, ever, ever be able to control that. So you got to learn how to let people think what they're going to think and you got to learn how to let them misunderstand you. I'm going to give you an example. The other day, I was driving down this road. I'm up in New England. It's beautiful. I'm in this rural area. It's kind of like one of those highways in a rural area that's two lanes, 45 miles an hour. We're by a river driving through the mountains. And suddenly, off in the distance, I see this person and I'm like, what is that person doing? They're on the other side of the road. They're kind of coming toward me. I couldn't quite make out what they were doing. And as they got closer, I was like, oh my God, they're riding a unicycle. I kid you not. Sure enough, when I got close, there was this person riding a unicycle on the side of the highway, just like it's what everybody does. I have no idea why they were doing that. It was the strangest thing I'd ever seen. I had no idea why somebody would want to ride a unicycle down a highway. But you want to know what? I don't need to understand. Because that person riding the unicycle down the highway in the middle of New England, they're living their best life. They're making a decision that made them happy. No one needs to understand them. No one needs to understand how they wake up in the morning and go, you know what? I think I'm going to ride my unicycle down the highway today. Don't you and I deserve to go through life like that? Like our unicycle friend, knowing that it doesn't matter what other people think. I don't need to explain myself. My actions are self-explanatory. I'm doing what I feel like doing. And if somebody has a problem with that, let them. If somebody thinks I'm an idiot for riding a unicycle, let them. If somebody thinks it's kind of cool that I can balance like that on the side of a highway and just carry on in my happy way? Let them. Because knowing that you're responsible for your choices is power. The only person the unicycle needed to make sense to was the guy riding it. So now let me turn it back to you and me. The only person your decisions need to make sense to is you. There is nothing that that unicycle rider could have done to guarantee my approval or to guarantee that I'd understand what he was doing and where he was going and why he was riding a unicycle In the first place. And why should he be concerned about that? He should be concerned about the decisions that he's making. See, the things that you feel called to do, the changes that you want to make, the goals that you have, the things on your bucket list, the wishes that you hold in your heart, the modes of Transportation that you want to go on, they're all for you. They're not for other people. They're not supposed to make sense to other people. Your dreams are for you. That's why other people don't understand them. I mean, can you imagine a world where you stop trying to make everyone else understand your choices, where you stop making someone else's validation a requirement before you can do Something? I really want you to think about that. Think about something that you want to do right now. Maybe it's something you've wanted to do for a while. I bet you're not doing it because you're afraid other people won't understand or support your decision. That's why you have to let them misunderstand you. And here's something that's really important to say. Oftentimes, what I've found is that when you make changes in your life, it's the people who are closest to you that don't understand why you're changing. See, here's the point. We always love people from our point of view. So when your family or friends are questioning you and they don't understand you, they are questioning you from their point of view. They're loving you from their point of view. They're seeing your decision through their fears, their their limits, their life experiences. So they're not reacting from your lens. They don't live inside your body, so they don't know what feels right for you. For example, if your grandmother or grandfather's never quit a job without a backup plan, when you go into business for yourself and you quit that job, that sounds reckless. They're trying to understand this from their experience. If they've never been in therapy, the second that you start to say, no, I'm not going to change my plans. You guys have fun with grandma. It's going to sound really cold. They've never walked away from a toxic breakup. So your breakup makes them start to consider something in their own relationship. They've never stopped drinking. Your sobriety seems like a threat. Like one of the, like I've heard this over and over again, that when you're changing in your life, the people closest to you are often the least supportive. And you're going to want your partner to understand. You're going to want your parents to understand. You're going to want everybody in your life to get on board and be excited about your new morning routine or the fact that you want to become an influencer, that you're going to change Your marriage, you're going to get divorced, or you're going to move to a different country. You want them to support that you're becoming vegan. But what do they do instead? They make snide remarks because they don't understand it. And it's not fair, but that's what they do. Here's another example. Maybe you're thinking about going back to school, right? The kids are gone. You want to go back to school, but all you're getting are questions. Well, how are you going to manage it? How are you going to pay for it? How are you going to feel being the oldest or the youngest person in that classroom? Really? You've been out of school for a long time. I mean, it's kind of cool, but isn't that a lot? That's why it's critical for you to understand it's not your responsibility to make people understand what you're doing. In fact, I want you to expect as your friend that they're not going to understand it because they're not doing it. You're the one doing it. And I want to give you a few more real life examples because it is so liberating to just go through life and let people misunderstand you and just assume that they are, right? Like when you move out of town and you want a fresh start, your friends are going to go, well, why are you leaving? Like, we just all moved here. Oh my gosh, so-and moving it. Why are you leaving? And you explain it 10 different ways, hoping one's going to click and it never does. It's a waste of your energy. Here's the answer. I'm moving because I'm moving. Let them misunderstand. You don't owe anybody an explanation, especially if ([Time 0:41:04](https://share.snipd.com/snip/b19dc307-e23c-419a-b751-40ea942b931b)) - **Unicycle On The Highway** - Mel saw a person riding a unicycle down a highway and didn't need to understand it. - The rider acted for their own joy, illustrating freedom from others' opinions. Transcript: Mel Robbins The other day, I was driving down this road. I'm up in New England. It's beautiful. I'm in this rural area. It's kind of like one of those highways in a rural area that's two lanes, 45 miles an hour. We're by a river driving through the mountains. And suddenly, off in the distance, I see this person and I'm like, what is that person doing? They're on the other side of the road. They're kind of coming toward me. I couldn't quite make out what they were doing. And as they got closer, I was like, oh my God, they're riding a unicycle. I kid you not. Sure enough, when I got close, there was this person riding a unicycle on the side of the highway, just like it's what everybody does. I have no idea why they were doing that. It was the strangest thing I'd ever seen. I had no idea why somebody would want to ride a unicycle down a highway. But you want to know what? I don't need to understand. Because that person riding the unicycle down the highway in the middle of New England, they're living their best life. They're making a decision that made them happy. No one needs to understand them. No one needs to understand how they wake up in the morning and go, you know what? I think I'm going to ride my unicycle down the highway today. Don't you and I deserve to go through life like that? Like our unicycle friend, knowing that it doesn't matter what other people think. I don't need to explain myself. My actions are self-explanatory. I'm doing what I feel like doing. And if somebody has a problem with that, let them. If somebody thinks I'm an idiot for riding a unicycle, let them. If somebody thinks it's kind of cool that I can balance like that on the side of a highway and just carry on in my happy way? Let them. Because knowing that you're responsible for your choices is power. The only person the unicycle needed to make sense to was the guy riding it. ([Time 0:41:51](https://share.snipd.com/snip/980da466-6dd3-463e-835f-7ea62fca668a)) - **Self-Worth Comes From You** - You are not responsible for proving your worth to others; self-worth starts internally. - Build, show up, and validate yourself rather than chasing external approval. Transcript: Mel Robbins Let them underestimate you. I know you think, well, Mel, but if everybody likes me and sees my value, then I'm good. Like me, you've been getting it all backwards. You think self-worth comes from everybody else liking you. It's actually the opposite. Self-worth comes from you liking who you already are. That's the real success in life, liking yourself. Being okay with yourself is the key to showing up, getting things done, and building the life that you want. It's everything. That's why understanding that you're not responsible for other people seeing your value or other people liking you, this might be the most important thing that you hear me say today. Now, this might sound kind of similar to number three. You know, number three was it's not your responsibility to make other people understand your decisions. But there's a very crucial difference between wanting people to understand the choices that you make and needing people to validate your worth. I want to read to you again from the Let Them Theory because I dedicate an entire section in the book to using the theory to stop giving people power and to stop seeking your worth and other People's opinions. This is on page 79 in a chapter titled, Let Them Think Bad Thoughts About You. The truth is, people will have negative opinions about you and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people's opinions. This fear impacts every aspect of your life. It makes you procrastinate. It makes you doubt yourself and question your worth. It can paralyze you with perfectionism. It's the reason why you overthink. This is where that ends. It's time to give people the freedom to think what they want. Let them. And it's time to set yourself free and let me make the small moves boldly and unapologetically that over time transform your life. See, you're wasting too much of your life and your time trying to get other people to see your worth. And I'm not just talking about strangers here. I'm talking about people you know, your friends, your family, your high school classmates that are on social media and you haven't seen them in person in 15 years. You're worried about what they think. Your old boss who never considered you for a promotion, even though you worked your tail off. You post something on Instagram that you're proud of. Two seconds later, you're checking to see if somebody else liked it, which means that you're worthy. You finally launch the thing you've been dreaming of, and all you can think about is who's not clapping, who's rolling their eyes, who's still not impressed. So what do you do? You shrink. You stop moving forward. You question whether or not you should. You question your worth because of what other people think and do. Here's some other examples. Maybe you don't invite people over to your house because you're afraid that they're going to see the pile of laundry on the couch or the full sink of dishes or that your furniture is a mismatch Of things that have been passed down and it doesn't really look like an Instagram post. Or maybe you devalue yourself because you go out of your way to impress your partner's family, even if it means acting like someone you're not, as if there's something wrong with you. And look, there's nothing wrong with wanting other people to like you. But when you change who you are in order to get the acceptance, that's the problem. That's why it's not your responsibility to have other people see your worth. You have to see it first. If you've ever abandoned a hobby or a personal project or anything that brings you joy because somebody questioned you about it or teased your ambition or you felt embarrassed to tell People that scrapbooking is your obsession, that's you devaluing yourself. That's you putting your worth in somebody else's opinion. If you're a business owner and you underprice your products or you give your services at a lower value or worse, you give discounts to people that you know because you feel like they're Not going to see your true worth and somehow you value the friendship over the value of the service. Come on, you've done this. You've given free interior design services. You've helped somebody with their social media. You've given people legal advice or real estate advice. How many hours did you sit with a friend and guide them through the IEP process, even though you work in this area of assessing kids for learning disabilities? Don't do that. And so let me read to you from the let them theory, because learning how to let people think bad thoughts about you, learning to let people not like you, learning to let people not see your Value and not twist yourself in half trying to prove it to people, this will change your life. I'm reading from page 84 in the section, let them think bad thoughts about you. I'm sure you struggle with the same fear I used to when it comes to putting yourself out there. Whether it's your business, your art, your music, your videos, or posting a photo of yourself in a bathing suit. When you censor yourself because of other people's opinions, you devalue your own worth. And that's why you cover up your acne and insist on standing on your good side in every photo. You're devaluing yourself as you are. And this is the same reason why you don't speak up in meetings. Or online, you're afraid to look bad. And at work, you're afraid to sound bad. You're afraid of what other people will think if they see or hear the real you because you place more value on what they think than on what you think of yourself. And every time you edit a post or you stay silent in class or at work or you hide in the back of a group photo, you know what you're engaging in? Self-rejection. That's what's happening. And it's subtle, but it's true because you're the one telling yourself you're not good enough as you are. You're the one who doesn't see your own value. The constant questioning, editing, deleting, overthinking, asking other people, does this look good? It only magnifies your self-doubt because you're the one questioning your worth. And most advice on this topic sucks. Most people tell you to just stop caring about what other people think, but no one tells you how. It's time for a new approach. This is where the let them theory helps you squash this fear once and for all. Give people the freedom to think negative thoughts about you. Let people not see your worth. This is a radically beautiful idea that will unlock your confidence. It will free your self-expression ([Time 0:51:53](https://share.snipd.com/snip/51994965-987a-4065-aa5f-02de06a12061))