Say the Quiet Thing Out Loud: Jen Hatmaker Solo Episode  🔗 **Source:** [Say the Quiet Thing Out Loud: Jen Hatmaker Solo Episode](https://share.snipd.com/episode/983a1f4e-8b99-4967-ba7b-281e1cd35bd5) ## Highlights - **The Inch Under The Sentence** - People hold a public sentence and an inch underneath it sits a truer, harder sentence that we avoid. - Jen frames honesty as excavation: keep asking "what's under that?" until you hit the core truth. Transcript: Jen Hatmaker So let me set up the premise for this. It's kind of like, it's this whole idea that there's the thing that we say, right? But then there is a truer sentence sitting an inch underneath it. And then even if we're willing to go to that sentence, there's usually something even a little truer, inch under that one. And it's like an excavation of getting past that top layer and down into what is the truest and generally harder thing to say, to admit, to disclose. The one on top, that top later, is an edited sentence. It's softer. It has a softener to it. It's broader. It generally lacks specificity. It's broad strokes, generalities in general. We're wanting to get down to those layers underneath it, but they're hard. They're a little bit more consequential. They're going to require a little bit more truth telling. And so that's this episode. ([Time 0:04:51](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f7154184-15e9-4b7a-9be1-524805e12c4d)) - **Silence Is A Costly Strategy** - Silence often feels like preserving peace or relationships but is actually a strategy based on false beliefs. - Jen warns silence only defers the bill: truths persist underground and "charge interest" until paid. Transcript: Jen Hatmaker Most of us stay quiet because we are believing something that is not true. And that is my silence is keeping the peace. My silence is keeping the job. My silence is keeping everyone else happy. Um, my silence is keeping this relationship together. Um, my silence means I will not have to deal with the inevitable resistance to whatever it is that is true for me. And that's an understandable strategy. It's so understandable that most of us do it. I only have a handful of people in my life who were just like born comfortable with confrontation. I mean, you know, people like this, all of our Enneagram eights, there's born comfortable with it. Like it not only does not, does it not, um, hold them back from saying the true thing, but they actually are energized by those hard conversations and feel connected through them. I mean, that is not my personality, so I cannot relate, but I know that it's some of you. And I have a handful of people like that in my life, but not many. Most of us are conflict avoidant and we want to kind of be the easy one. You know what I mean? The easy one, the easy one in the equation, the easy one in the marriage, the easy one in the friend group. It feels like it's a pretty good strategy to keep being loved, right? I mentioned earlier, every month we do something called the Awake Collective Live. It's over on my Substack channel. That's for my subscribers, my paid subscribers. And it's just beautiful. Like every month it surprises me. And I know women, like I already know women are astonishing. I already know what can happen when we get honest in a room together. But this time every month, it just shows up really richly and beautifully. And so some of the women in the Awake live room, when we were talking about this, said it better than I can. One of our members is Linda, and she said, I gave all the yeses because I thought it would make me lovable. And Tracy said, so often for me, shame forced me to say yes. Oh, I know about this. But the truth is different than that. I don't just know this theoretically at this point. Most of us don't. I know this in my lived experience. Staying quiet, it only masquerades as keeping the peace. It's fake. That is pretend. It is not true. Because we are genuinely just deferring the bill. That's it. That truth is true. What's true is true. So whether we admit it, face it, deal with it, bring it up, work on solving it, work on resolution, whether we're honest or not, what's true is true. It's going to stay true. And so it doesn't disappear just because we're not willing to look it in the eye. Never. Never. It just goes underground, but it charges interest. It's expensive. It's expensive. ([Time 0:17:27](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f88cf43e-696b-4265-b904-e20320d46c18)) - **How My Quiet Cost Years Of Joy** - Jen recounts staying quiet through the decline of her marriage and how that secrecy cost years of family joy. - She admits complicity: silence led to resentment, health flares, and lost middle-school/high-school family years. Transcript: Jen Hatmaker And then what did that cost? Would certainly, and I know I've talked about this with you so many times, but would certainly be the stay of my marriage back when I was married. I just, when I think back on it now, I have such a sadness for a million reasons. The length of time in which I was so unhappy in my marriage and so was my lonely I became, how hard it was to manage, um, how much some of that like toxic behavior bled out. And that shrapnel was like always hitting my friends and the kids and our extended families. And, and then me coming up like with like a broom sweeper behind, just trying to clean that up. No, you guys didn't see that. You didn't see that, right? Like, oh, you know, oh, such an exhausting, exhausting experience. And like so much was going genuinely wrong. And I could not face it. No, no, no, that's not fair. I could have. I would not. I would not face it. I couldn't bear the thought of what it would mean on the other side of that. The consequences were so consequential. I felt afraid in conflict with my husband, not physically. Don't hear me wrong on that. Just, um, if you can imagine this shocking thing in conflict with really him and him alone, I would just go like, I would get flattened by the volume and the aggression and this like verbal Tsunami. And so in most cases, I just felt metaphorically pressed against the wall and I would go quiet. And so I would just, I would disengage, almost disassociate. Well, guess what? That's not helpful. That is not helpful to conflict resolution in case you wondered if that was a good strategy. And so this is all happening largely behind closed doors, except when it leaked out in front of people and I tried to fix it. And guess what? The bill came. The bill always comes. And instead of paying it my way on my terms, in a mature, thoughtful, less traumatic way, I was handed the bill. And I was forced to pay it on the spot. And so it's not free. None of this is free. It is so costly. And in a sad twist, it also was just, it was costly of just a few years of joy. It's not like we had a terrible marriage, our whole marriage. I mean, we were married 26 years. But it was not happy for the last few years. And I just think those should have been really happy family years. Those were in the like middle school, high school space years, like when we just should have been like firing on all cylinders. And I will never get those years back. Never. And so, and then even just happiness as a human wife, um, I, that was just forfeited. It's just all forfeited. Um, and that feels sad. I have regret about that. And I, I, I helped co-create that exact dynamic. I am not an innocent bystander there. I was a collaborator in that, like, we're just not really going to talk about this. We're not really going to deal with it. We're not going to face it. I'm not going to be honest with my friends and my family. I was a part of that. I was complicit. Um, and it was so, so exhausting. So here I am thinking I'm protecting, I don't know what our family protecting this, this marriage that is unhappy, but I didn't have any vision for my life outside of it. ([Time 0:22:30](https://share.snipd.com/snip/06b138d4-6e22-4079-bf70-76a6061f1fa4)) - **Your Body Tells The Truth** - The body signals hidden truths when the mouth stays silent, often via illness or sleep anxiety. - Jen links autoimmune flares and inflammatory symptoms to prolonged relational dishonesty in her own life. Transcript: Jen Hatmaker And then, of course, I don't have to tell you that our bodies will keep the score on that. I felt like in the last four years of my marriage, everything that I am still currently dealing with flared, all my autoimmune stuff, my sort of degenerative hand stuff, my inflammatory Responses to the world. I mean, my body was absolutely telling the truth. Maybe my mouth wasn't, but my body was. And it just, my body was like, this is so toxic and yours will too. And that means a lot of times that middle of the night, just brain gauntlet of thoughts and fears and worries and anxiety. That's complete spiral. You probably notice it too coming out sideways. And it maybe doesn't even come out sideways on the person that you have an issue with. Unfortunately, the shrapnel is indiscriminate. ([Time 0:28:14](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f340a1b3-c975-490a-b21b-8626e3bcdb86)) - **Write One True Sentence First** - Start with yourself: write one true sentence (then dig an inch under it) and be specific without softeners. - Jen suggests naming concrete truths like "I have nothing to prove" or "I need rest." Transcript: Jen Hatmaker This is very you, you to you. If you are willing to conjure up one true sentence, the truest one you can get, not just the top layer, but the inch under that, and if you can, the inch under that. Be specific. Be specific with your truth. I'm not happy, not specific. If you said that to me, I could be like, because of the country, because of a kid, because of your body, because that's not enough. If you could get under and say the one true sentence without any qualifiers, that's a place to start. We had women say that in our Awake Collective. One of our members, Raeanne, said, I have nothing to prove to myself, to others, or to the outside world. Okay. Listen. Saying out loud, I have nothing to prove, that's a revelation for most of us because we are proving. We are trying to prove. Kristen said, rest, because that was a question I asked, what would rest look like for you? ([Time 0:31:55](https://share.snipd.com/snip/2f42554d-5617-4105-8e67-b218ce0fa4c8)) - **Own Your Truth Don't Throw It** - Speak from ownership not accusation: start sentences with "Here's what's true for me" and name your part. - Jen contrasts truth-telling with truth-throwing and urges regulated, owned language to avoid scorch-the-earth delivery. Transcript: Jen Hatmaker There is a difference between truth-telling and truth-throwing. And I think sometimes being honest is very much framed up in a truth throwing sort of context. That's how our movies show it. You know what I'm saying? That's kind of what we see in our books. Like all of a sudden she's had it and that is just like shock and awe, scorched earth, right? But that is absolutely not the way it has to go. There is a way to be a truth teller framed as ownership, not accusation. Right. Where you say, here's what's true for me. Instead of big difference. Here's what's wrong with you. Tempting. I mean, ask me. I pretty much know what's wrong with everybody. But I'm just going to tell you that's not a great place to start. Here is what is true for me. Here's my part in it. Here is how this is feeling in my body, in my experience. Um... ([Time 0:35:51](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c9a84e92-d3a0-4454-86d4-301d8571d8ec)) - **Practice Boundaries In Low Stakes Moments** - Build honesty muscles with low-risk practice: start small in lower-stakes moments before tackling big issues. - Jen describes turning a humiliating car confrontation into a productive boundary by saying "turn the car around." Transcript: Jen Hatmaker And so normally, of course, my response would be to take that on the chin and bury it where all the rest of the resentment lived, just add it to the pile. But that time I said, turn the car around. I'm not not going. Take me home. I will not be spoken to like that. I just won't do it. So this is over. And then, of course, I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, no. I mean, I was just trying to. I'm like, nope. So it was low stakes. Just dinner. I mean, it's not the biggest thing in the whole world. But I realized, oh, there I am. There I am. And then what do you know? That resistance, that me saying, nope, not doing this. You don't get to speak to me like this ever, ever, but much less in front of our friends. Like I'm a little girl. Turned a much more productive conversation. Not that day, but maybe the next. And I went, okay, there's value here in showing up true. ([Time 0:39:28](https://share.snipd.com/snip/29b1c37c-bedb-43de-a990-245edd3466f0)) - **Wait Overnight Before Big Conversations** - Delay immediate reaction on intense conflicts: give yourself overnight so adrenaline subsides and thinking clears. - Jen's rule: wait until morning to communicate when you feel very strong, to be kinder and clearer. Transcript: Jen Hatmaker This is a discerning process. It's kind of actually hard to pick through, but not not every single thing needs to always be said because of who that person is or what the end game is, or maybe not that very second. Um, uh, sometimes yes on both counts, but, um, my general rule, I've said this for years in front of you, is that when I feel really strong about something really intense, if it's like Popped at the moment, I try to give myself overnight. Um, generally the next morning, I, uh, my adrenaline has receded. So I'm just, I'm a clearer thinker. Um, my, the, that fight or flight piece of me, um, has quieted and I'm able to be kinder, a better communicator, more thoughtful. ([Time 0:41:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f7265711-1d39-41ae-94f8-aaf423f5eb07)) - **Honest And Kind Is The North Star** - Honest doesn't equal unfiltered; honesty paired with kindness is the most integrative behavior. - Jen positions "honest and kind" as a North Star and contrasts it with weaponized bluntness from younger years. Transcript: Jen Hatmaker More thoughtful. Honest, I guess what I'm trying to say, is not the same thing as unfiltered. Okay? Okay. I guess here's my North star. Honest and kind are not opposites. Okay. They do not have to be opposites. We can be both. In fact, the most brave, honest, loving people I know, the ones who live deeply in their integrity, the ones who have a high standard for their relationships, for their communities, For the behavior that they are willing to tolerate and allow. The people that I think are living in the most integrity are both honest and kind. ([Time 0:41:58](https://share.snipd.com/snip/62f9fb09-803e-44ac-b3a2-5b276c1d6ea4)) - **One Page Unedited Truth Exercise** - Do a private writing exercise: put your truest sentence at the top and write one full page without editing. - Jen instructs: no softeners, no audience, just let your hand tell the truth on paper. Transcript: Jen Hatmaker Maybe what you could do if you feel able to do this. Just get out a piece of paper. Don't worry. You can burn it later. You can tear it to shreds. You can chew it and eat it. Get out a piece of paper. Write that very true sentence at the top. As true as you can make it. As true as you are willing to be with yourself. And then write a whole page about it. Don't edit it. Don't slow down. Don't put the softeners in. Don't start telling yourself. Um, I mean, it's not that bad or I mean, I, I it's, I've, it's a little don't just don't do that. No one's reading it. This is for you. Write a full page. Just let, just let your hand tell the truth with a pen inside of it. And see where you're at. See what feels true about it. See what you were able to admit. See if one true sentence led to even a truer one. ([Time 0:43:54](https://share.snipd.com/snip/5e0a6339-fe0c-428f-bbe2-5b089a68dd05)) - **Your Real Self Is Not An Inconvenience** - Your authentic self is not an inconvenience; loved ones want the whole you, not a performed version. - Jen reassures listeners they're not "too much" and that truth-telling is mature and wholehearted. Transcript: Jen Hatmaker But I want you to hear me, that you are not too much and your real self is not an inconvenience. And whatever is true is true. And you showing up in that truth is a very wholehearted thing to do. That is healthy. That is mature. That is evolved behavior. There's just so much possible on the other side of that kind of truth telling. But just know the people who love you, they want the whole you, not the one who is stuffing and siloing things that are true. And you are just trying to manage outer version of you. They don't want that for you. ([Time 0:47:44](https://share.snipd.com/snip/3a3a35ab-4f9d-4cb6-b7e3-29641d8703d0))