The Secret to Stopping Anxiety & Fear  ## Metadata - Author: [[The Mel Robbins Podcast]] - Full Title: The Secret to Stopping Anxiety & Fear - Category: #podcasts - URL: https://share.snipd.com/episode/c714a170-5f0d-4a92-a5c8-7849ecbf3402 ## Document Notes ## Highlights - **Anxiety as an Ally** - Anxiety is a normal human emotion and everyone experiences it. - Accepting anxiety lets you use it as an ally instead of an enemy. Transcript: David Rosmarin There are two things. Okay. The most fundamental is to stop judging yourself for feeling anxious, to stop feeling anxious about the fact that you have anxiety in your life, because everyone does. It's a normal human emotion. In fact, if you don't have anxiety, something's probably wrong. That's number one. And number two, once you accept that it's part of your life, you can use it as an ally instead of an enemy. Mel Robbins That's a pretty tall promise, the ally versus an enemy, because I think anybody who is struggling with anxiety or watching somebody struggle with it, it does seem like an enemy. It sure does. And that's why I was really curious, because the title of your bestselling book is Thriving with Anxiety. Because when I hear thriving with anxiety, it almost presumes that I got to keep it. And I'm like, but doc, I want to thrive without this stuff. So what is possible when you say you can make it an ally or you can thrive? David Rosmarin I would say it's almost as counterintuitive as let them. What do you mean? Well, I don't want to let ([Time 0:09:54](https://share.snipd.com/snip/7f9389a3-145b-44b8-893a-8d7f6188a761)) - **Over-Pathologizing Anxiety** - Society over-pathologizes normal anxiety, causing an anxiety epidemic. - Distinguishing clinical anxiety from normal anxiety is crucial to avoid fear of anxiety itself. Transcript: Mel Robbins Just that passage is that we kind of have anxiety all wrong and because we do, we're making it worse. David Rosmarin A hundred percent. That's exactly what's happening. Our society is over-medicalizing, over-pathologizing a normal human emotion. Now, don't get me wrong. At a certain point, it does become pathological, but we are conflating clinical pathological anxiety with normal anxiety that all healthy human beings experience. And in making all of that one big lump of craziness, we have become allergic to the normal side of anxiety, and that's creating the anxiety epidemic today. Wow. Mel Robbins So will you unpack that allergic part? Because you also write about that in your book, that anxiety is almost like an allergy. So you just said something that I think needs to be said even louder, which is there's a massive difference between the kind of chronic crushing anxiety that becomes a massive debilitating Problem in somebody's life and the very normal anxiety that absolutely every human being is going to feel. And if you understand it, it doesn't have to get worse. It can be something that can actually be an ally that you're not afraid of. ([Time 0:12:27](https://share.snipd.com/snip/8305a12a-d0cf-4101-9478-c771062c3df5)) - **Support Anxious Children Effectively** - When a child is anxious, validate and explore their fears without judgment. - Use anxiety moments as connection opportunities, not something to fix immediately. Transcript: David Rosmarin I love your specific example of parents and children. Little Jimmy or Jenny comes home. They feel a little bit anxious. And the parent themselves is a little anxious themselves. And they're freaked out about the fact that their kid is feeling anxious. So what do they do? Try to put out the fire. They try to calm them down. They try to say everything's going to be okay. They give them reassurance. Say, you don't have to go to school. Don't worry. You don't have to go to that event. We accommodate them as opposed to, oh, you're feeling anxious. That sounds interesting. Tell me more. With no judgment and just to explore it and actually create a more deep connection between parent and child. Ask questions. What is little Jimmy or Jenny afraid of and why? Is it embarrassment? Are they afraid of messing up and being overly responsible? Are they afraid of physical sensations? Do they feel like a failure? Are they afraid of losing friends? Ask them lots of questions. And without trying to change it, don't try to change how they're thinking, how they're feeling, their behavior in any way. Just be there with them while they feel anxious. They just want you to connect with them. Turn it into a point of connection as opposed to a moment of education. ([Time 0:21:40](https://share.snipd.com/snip/6a907ab7-534e-41e7-a9d6-5c902a6d2dfc)) - **Avoid Invalidating Anxiety** - Trying to calm anxious feelings hastily conveys that anxiety is a problem. - This increases a child’s fear of their own anxiety rather than helping them. Transcript: David Rosmarin Definitely don't do that. You're just actually making it worse, because why? Because you're conve a message. I wouldn't even say it's subliminal or subconscious. It's direct. You are directly showing your child something is wrong here and they become afraid of their anxiety as a result. ([Time 0:23:09](https://share.snipd.com/snip/75ec0344-fff9-470b-8f8a-9779a80fe65b)) - **Four-Step Anxiety Management** - Use a four-step process for anxiety: Identify, Share, Embrace, Let go. - Identify the root fear, share it with someone, face it gradually, then learn to let go of control. Transcript: David Rosmarin The four steps are as follows. Identify, share, embrace, and let go. I'll explain each one. Identify means getting to the root. What are you truly afraid of? Instead of putting it out of your mind, instead of squelching the symptoms, go there, think about it. Get to what's actually bothering you. Two, share. Talk about it with someone else. Open up about it. Make it a point of connection as opposed to sitting in a state of loneliness. Three, embrace your favorite. Do that which makes you feel anxious when you're ready and at a rate that you're comfortable with, but that is the path for emotional resilience and finally let go there are certain things We can't control anxiety is always surrounded around control and at a certain point we need to let go to the extent that you can do that you've completed the four steps it seems so simple Mel Robbins Which ([Time 0:23:59](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f755601c-c6d0-48ce-93de-97c9e9084378)) - **Example: Child's Fear of Vomiting** - Mel Robbins shares her son's longstanding fear of vomiting as an example of specific anxious fears. - Exploring the root causes helps understand and address such common anxieties effectively. Transcript: Mel Robbins Happens every day. Well, and my son, even to this day at the age of 19, hopefully will allow me to share this, is afraid of throwing up. Even though he has thrown up and knows that he can throw up, he still will get anxious about throwing up. And it was a huge thing when he was a kid. David Rosmarin Yep. So if you were here, I would want to know what's the focus of his apprehension. That's a very fancy way of saying what's at the root of his anxiety. Can we identify what is he really afraid of? When you vomit, it's unpleasant. Is it taste? Is it embarrassing yourself? Is it some sort of just the gag reflex and you just don't like how it feels? But if so, I'd want to know what about it? Did he watch a video once and there's an association with that video? I would have a whole bunch of questions here to ask with no judgment, simply to explore what about that situation is so upsetting for him. You know what I love about this is that I so screwed this up because I'd be like, you're not going to get sick. Mel Robbins You're going to be fine. It'll happen. There's a nurse at school. Get on the bus. And what you're doing is you're actually slowing down that micro moment and you're going deeper and saying, well, what would happen and what is it really? And when you get to that answer, let's just say it's that I just hate the taste and I hate the pressure on my face and I hate it that it's going to happen and you're not there or that somebody's David Rosmarin Going to see it. Hold on, that it's going to happen and you're not there is important. What about vomiting without mom is upsetting? I'd want to know that. Based on what they say, I'm going to probe a little bit further and get like, what about that specifically is going to be upsetting to you? ([Time 0:25:01](https://share.snipd.com/snip/419b88ca-5703-4f9b-a024-e5c36441ead9)) - **Share Anxiety to Connect** - Share your anxiety with someone supportive to create connection and reduce loneliness. - Sharing requires timing and clear communication about needing validation. Transcript: David Rosmarin So let's go to the second step. Well, the second step is sharing. Okay. Sharing your emotions, the core of it with someone else can create connection with someone. Now you have to share with purpose, right? And there's not everyone in all circumstances can you share with them. If you're sharing with a stressed out loved one who's coming back after a really, you know, nasty business trip, or really they're going through a hard time themselves, they might not Be able to hear it right now, but sharing it in a certain context and being clear, I need you to validate me. I just need you to hear me out. I'm feeling anxious. I want you to be here and present with me. And then sharing it can create more intimacy and connection between parents and children, certainly between loved ones, between friends. I've even seen it happen with strangers where people open up to each other like, hey, I feel that way too. Like instant connection. Or on a plane. Mel Robbins A friend of ours flew in here, a colleague, ([Time 0:29:04](https://share.snipd.com/snip/66b8e833-d4bd-4780-9de0-86cdb8200938)) - **Embrace Anxiety To Build Resilience** - To embrace anxiety, face what makes you anxious safely and gradually. - This builds emotional resilience like exercising builds physical strength. Transcript: David Rosmarin To people, embrace the anxiety. Now, how the hell do I do that? Face it. Do something that makes you anxious. Mel Robbins I don't want to. David Rosmarin I know, but you also don't want to go to the gym to build your physical muscles. But you do that. That's true. Why doesn't every school in the United States of America have a mental, emotional agility resilience building by doing something that makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable? As long as it's safe and it's something that you want to do, do it. Mel Robbins Dr. Ross Marin, I have a lot ([Time 0:30:40](https://share.snipd.com/snip/74cdf02f-5389-4410-8f89-6853b6f48ce0)) - **Exposure Therapy Example** - In exposure therapy, patients gradually face feared objects, like touching a toilet bowl. - This rewires anxiety responses and builds resilience to their fears. Transcript: David Rosmarin Just say these hands have been in many places that I will not tell you about. Today? Not today. Just kidding. Not today. Don't worry. And I do wash my hands before I eat. But before washing my hands and before eating, you'd be surprised where these go. Because part of being an anxiety therapist means you have to do everything that your patients do also. Mel Robbins So what do you do with those really dirty, grimy hands? David Rosmarin Okay. So I'm thinking of a specific patient who came in who was terrified of germs and for many years had been avoiding all sorts of situations, really wouldn't open car doors, certainly wouldn't Ride the subway, and was at one point putting gloves on their hands, lots of Purell, lots of excessive washing, had actually had very significant chafing, even needed some medical Treatments in order to be able to deal with, you know, abrasions on their hands from all the washing. And really, we started with touching things that would make them feel uncomfortable. Started with things in the office. It could have been as simple as this desk surface. It could have been things that, you know, in the bathroom would be next. And eventually moving towards the inside of a toilet bowl or things that are way over the top that you wouldn't normally do in order for them to develop the resilience stand up to their Anxiety head on. Mel Robbins The toilet. Oh. So how does somebody get through the uncomfortable feelings that they have while they're doing this exposure therapy with you? David Rosmarin The first step is always the same, which is do you want to do this? Once ([Time 0:38:00](https://share.snipd.com/snip/e3c13d1d-c981-4dd7-8368-3d754bcfcb85)) - **Brain Dump To Identify Fears** - When anxious, do a brain dump to externalize worries and identify core fears. - Analyze these fears deeply to understand what you are truly afraid of. Transcript: David Rosmarin Don't get rid of the symptoms. Don't try to avoid it in your mind. Actually take the time to do a mental inventory. Okay. That could start with a brain dump, as my wife likes to call it. Just dump all the thoughts out, unravel the yarn, take whatever's in your pockets and put it on the table, and then just let it sit there. That could take 10, 15 minutes. Okay. Mel Robbins So you just dump everything in your brain on a piece of paper, just everything that's in there. Yep. And then what? And then pick out the anxiety saplings. Okay. What does that mean? David Rosmarin There's going to be one or two trees, so to speak, that have roots. And they really go down to a certain level. Sometimes really to identify them from the other stuff. Often people come in and they ask them, what are you anxious about? And 30 minutes later, it's like, okay. I think there are two or three main themes here. Okay. You know, you can even put it into chat GPT and say like, what are my two main themes? Mel Robbins You mean like do your brain dump in chat GTP and then go, tell me what the two biggest things that I'm anxious about? David Rosmarin It's a language processor, right? So you can theoretically just do that. Mel Robbins Okay. You're going to put yourself out of a job. Okay. Keep going. No, never. Because we all need you. I don't think so. I'm not worried about that. So once you've done that, you've picked out kind of the two big themes. Yeah. What do you do? Dig. Identify. Dig. Share. David Rosmarin Well, no, we're not even up to share. Are you there? Oh, my God. We're just identifying. Okay. We're just identifying. Just go dig. What's at the root of it? ([Time 1:05:06](https://share.snipd.com/snip/c3941d89-c02b-425f-8f37-91abdec37d45)) - **Core Anxiety Fear: Being Alone** - The deepest fear underlying most anxieties is fear of being alone or abandoned. - Recognizing this core fear guides more effective anxiety management. Transcript: Mel Robbins It's usually one thing. David Rosmarin What is it? Being alone. People are afraid of being alone, being abandoned. Wow. I know when I've hit that, when I'm asking a patient live, firstly, when they start to tear up and I can feel the emotion in the moment, then I know I'm getting something. And often when they hit the alone elevator, like when we hit that floor on the elevator, then we're getting somewhere. Well, ([Time 1:06:48](https://share.snipd.com/snip/73353cea-344c-47cf-81e4-455b0b33d00f))