Why Great Leaders Change Feelings Before Minds  🔗 **Source:** [Why Great Leaders Change Feelings Before Minds](https://share.snipd.com/episode/eacf4f9a-d5ae-422e-825c-117e0cb24baf) ## Highlights - **Question That Rewired A Teen's Belief** - Owen Fitzpatrick's suicide-note moment flipped his feelings and beliefs in an instant. - He asked himself "Is this how much you love them?" which forced imagining harm to his parents and changed him from wanting to die to wanting to live. Transcript: Owen Fitzpatrick From a psychology point of view, I think what happened was my brain asked a question and I'm still not to this day sure where that question came from, but wherever it came from, the question I asked myself to help me to look at things differently so that I felt differently about the situation. So always we talk about the importance of persuading people and using logic and reasoning. And anyone in marketing will obviously know that the most important element of being able to convince people is largely about the way in which we make people feel. So the ability that we have to create a feeling in the other person will not just determine how they feel about the product, it will also dictate how they think about and what they believe About it as well. So the question I asked myself was, and this was when I was in the middle of writing the suicide note where I was looking to end my life, I basically apologized to my parents and I said, I'm Sorry, I have to do this. I just can't see any other way, but I love you so, so much. And then the question that I asked was, is this how much you love them? And that question was so powerful because it almost like in a cynical way forced me to imagine what I was doing to them. And it changed the feelings that I felt at this moment. And so it wasn't the fact that I loved them that saved me because lots of people end their lives and they love the people and the people love them. But it's the fact that it drew my attention and it caused me to feel quite strongly that there's no way I could do this. And I think in many ways, it changed my belief in that moment from believing I needed to die to believing I needed to live. And I think all my life, that's what I've been searching for. All those journeys to countries like North Korea, all the work I've done from a corporate perspective as a therapist when I work with thousands of clients, it's always been working On this notion of how do you help a person to change beliefs? And I believe fundamentally, we need to look at it from three gates that we go through. The belief has to feel right. It has to fit in with who the person is. And only then will it make sense. ([Time 0:01:52](https://share.snipd.com/snip/f5ceefe4-6b5f-4448-afb9-33c5851432ba)) - **Feelings Shape Facts Before Logic** - Affect shapes perception first so feelings determine what we notice and the stories we build about events. - Fitzpatrick cites affective realism and mood congruent cognition to explain how hunger, anxiety or depression filter memory and attention. Transcript: Owen Fitzpatrick Sure. So there's a concept in psychology or neuroscience called affective realism, which basically means that the way in which we perceive reality is through the lens of the feeling we're Feeling. So if you've ever felt hangry, that means hungry, you know, hungry, and therefore you're angry or tangry. That means you snap at people and you're angry when you're tired. Those experiences that you feel actually dictate how you respond or how you take in the world. So when you're hangry or tangry, often you don't even notice it. You just see the world in that angry way. And the problem is that because our feelings play such a big part in determining our reality, we can walk away from a situation having experienced a particular situation in a specific Way based on how we feel. So when we feel anxious, we tend to see the world through that anxious lens. There's another concept called mood congruent cognition, which means we're more easily able to remember situations which is associated with the feeling we're feeling. So when we're depressed, we're more likely to remember negative events in the past. We're more likely to imagine negative experiences in the future. And so our brains, based on how we feel, determine where our focus lies. And it's almost like our brains are like a news station, right? A news channel. Just like a news channel will A, select it. Like if you watch Fox versus you watch CNN, you've got, they're both selecting totally different facts or totally different data points to report the news on, number one. John Jantsch Totally different alternate facts, but go ahead. Owen Fitzpatrick And also different worlds, right? But you look at CNN, you look at Fox News, they will paint a picture of whatever they've selected at that moment. And they'll also then engineer a narrative about it, what I call truth engineering. So they'll engineer a narrative about both. And so what you have is you've got two different news channels based upon their agendas, creating two totally different realities, two totally different worlds. Now, if you bring that to the brain, it's the exact same thing. You experience the world and your brain based on how you feel will dictate what you pay attention to in that moment. And also whatever you are paying attention to, it'll engineer a narrative or story. ([Time 0:04:18](https://share.snipd.com/snip/9cbc14f6-19e7-4365-8776-e18ae9fb64e8)) - **Three Gates To Change A Belief** - Belief change passes three gates: it must feel right, fit identity, then make sense. - Logical reasoning is last; feelings and identity lock a belief in place before arguments matter. Transcript: Owen Fitzpatrick And the stories that you sell to yourselves become the beliefs that you buy into and so what's really critical is we start to recognize this process and so it starts with feelings then The second piece is what i call fits in which is really about internal indoctrination it's that we won't accept a belief unless it fits in with who we believe we are and again from a marketing Standpoint if you are trying to sell to someone the reason i buy apple products is because they've convinced me that i'm the kind of person that needs to buy Apple products, right? If Apple were releasing an Apple for $200, I'd probably go, I want to get one of those. I'm the kind of person that needs $200 apples, right? Because they have created a brand so strong that my identity is locked to it. And sometimes it's not even who I believe I am. Sometimes it's who I want to be in that moment, but it's- This will make me cooler. John Jantsch Exactly. Owen Fitzpatrick If I buy these sneakers, this will allow me to jump as high as Michael Jordan. This is the mentality that we've built over the time. And when we want to change beliefs, if we truly want to be able to get a person to see things differently and have a different belief system about something, we need to, number one, make Sure it feels right to them. Number two, it needs to fit in with who they are. And then we can give the logical reasoning. Then we can give the benefits. Then we can overcome the objections. ([Time 0:06:16](https://share.snipd.com/snip/7c5a478f-20bf-4e98-883b-c97d45da2587)) - **Use Ethical Influence Not Deception** - Use ethical influence by connecting what people want with what you want and avoid deception. - Influence honestly provides perceived feelings or value rather than manipulating via lies or hiding motives. Transcript: Owen Fitzpatrick So influence is when you're able to communicate in a way that you impact the decisions or the attitude or the perspective or the beliefs or the feelings of the other person, right? Manipulation is when you deliberately deceive the other person so that you can get them to do exactly what you want. And I always clarify the difference between the two is ethical influence is about figuring out what the other person wants, understanding what you want, and learning to connect the Dots. John Jantsch And it might be good for them, right? Owen Fitzpatrick Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Very good point. But what you're trying to do is you're trying to engineer it so that you're getting them what they want. And what they want is not always something tangible. Sometimes what they want is a feeling, right? So you're providing that feeling through the products that you're selling. It's perceived value, which becomes real value because they experience it that way. And then the second piece is the use of deception. So manipulation is when, you know, you're more likely to use deception. Whereas, um, when we're honestly ethically influencing someone, we're not lying about anything. We're not, you know, we're not deceiving them in any way, shape or form. And so to me, influence is about figuring out what is it that they want and is good for them to your point. And how can we connect the dots to what is it that I want them to do? And then second of all, how can I do this in an honest way? ([Time 0:08:51](https://share.snipd.com/snip/cf76392a-86f7-4fbd-9816-58e18348e236)) - **Win Organizational Buy In By Changing Identity** - To get buy-in for change, lead by making it feel right and by reshaping identity before presenting plans. - For AI adoption, show emotional benefits and create a new professional identity so staff see how they'll thrive. Transcript: Owen Fitzpatrick So I think the problem isn't that the team will go, we don't get it. I think the problem is the team will go, yeah, we get it, but not actually believe in it. We all know what it's like, John, when someone goes, yes, and we know there's zero chance of it happening. To me, that's the problem. And so the reason the framework works so well is because we're not giving them... What the leader's doing in that case is they're making sense. They learn something, then they come back and go, here's what we need to do. We need to change everything, and now we need to use AI, just AI. I want everyone to get on board. AI is going to be great for this organization, right? Let's do it. Here's how we're going to do it. Here's the plan. Here's the strategy. People don't follow plans. They follow beliefs. So all of these people are sitting there going, so what I'm getting for you is you went to some fancy conference. You came back. You want all of us to get on the AI train where we know that the AI train is going to cost us our jobs. So you want us to buy into this? Sure, we'll say yes, but there's no chance of that happening. And so the leader in that case is losing them because he's not focusing on making it feel right. So if he wanted to, he or she wanted to make it feel right, then the strategy would be, well, what is it that, what is it, what are the emotional reasons why this would be something good for Them? That's number one. So what is it that we could that I could do to make them feel good about this opportunity? And number two, just as important, who are they in a new AI world? Because if I'm a coder and you come back to me, John, let's say I work for you and you say, Hey Owen, you know, I want you to be using AI more. We need to scale more. We need to use it more. If AI is doing the coding and I'm a coder, what am I now? Because now I've lost my identity because AI is doing my job for me. So what value do I even bring? And I think we forget that. We think here's the logical reasons why you should want to use AI, but we're not actually changing the way people feel and connecting it to who their identity is. So in that context, again, the leader should be thinking, how can I create or help them create an identity for them to move towards where they can see themselves thriving in a new AI world? And when you're able to do that as a leader, when your vision isn't just about your company doing well using AI, but it's a vision which identifies how amazing it will be for your team and Who they will become, that's also going to make it feel right. And then all of the plans or strategies you have around that, now all of a sudden you go from compliance, which you don't really want as much as buy-in, which you do want, and that moves Towards commitment and conviction, which is the ultimate North Star you're going for. ([Time 0:11:53](https://share.snipd.com/snip/34c105a5-9850-4315-9530-bc4fe7a9f2ed)) - **Turn AI Skeptics Into Ninjas With Immersion** - Fitzpatrick hired a staffer who initially hated AI and immersed them in learning tools for a month. - The immersion turned them into an AI 'ninja' who began seeing themselves as the type of person excellent at using AI. Transcript: Owen Fitzpatrick I hired a member of my staff who initially they'd done some part-time work for me. And when they came on board, one of the things they said to me was, AI, I hate it. It caused me to lose my job the last time. I do not want to ever have that happen again. And so what I did was I got them to go in and I said, look, what I need you to do is I need you to make it so that you understand everything you can about AI. So for the first month, it was just them immersing themselves that. And as they did that, I knew that as they did that, as that was their entire goal, it wasn't, I want you to use AI to do this for me. I was like, I want you to become a master. So you know exactly what tools to use in what ways. They came back after a month and they were like a ninja. They could do anything. And more than that, more, way more important, they started to see themselves as the kind of person that was amazing in using AI. ([Time 0:15:31](https://share.snipd.com/snip/664d7c93-6233-499f-b1c4-6d8b3f57e5c0)) - **Brain Biases Make Simple Tribal Stories Sticky** - Human brains prioritize survival and stability, producing negativity and drama biases that simplify stories and favor tribe-based identities. - Fitzpatrick links these biases to politics, marketing, and why coherent, repeatable narratives succeed. Transcript: Owen Fitzpatrick I mean, we can generalize all day long and we can say this is the same and we can find nuanced differences. But ultimately, the way in which the human brain is built is based upon the needs that our brains have. And our brains fundamentally have two primary needs, the need for survival and the need for stability. The brain needs to survive. Therefore, it will often have what we call a negativity bias as well as a drama bias. The negativity bias means we're oriented to spend more time focusing on what we have to lose. And that's obviously what every marketing professional will know is that you focus on the problems and the pain points. Often that will get you a lot of traction. And then also it's dramatization. So the brain also needs to notice what's a bigger deal than something else. So therefore, that's the hyperbole that's used often in terms of the news to get people's attention. Once more, the more you hype it up, the more likely people are to pay attention. But the other piece is also important that it's important as well from a marketing standpoint, as well as from a mental health standpoint, as well as from a leadership standpoint. If I'm in a situation where I'm trying to achieve a particular result, I'm trying to persuade people, I have to know that the brain needs stability, which means it likes coherent stories That are simple to understand, which requires as little energy for my brain as possible. So that's why politics works so well dividing us is because it's very simple to sell an idea that says, we good, they bad, us good, them bad. And repeating that over and over again by giving examples where we're good and where they're bad. In the marketing world, that's what they're doing. They're ultimately speaking, taking this theory, this message, and they're using very sophisticated messaging to continuously engineer the way in which people feel. I feel good about me and my tribe, and I feel bad about them. And this is etched into the way in which we think. We are tribal in terms of our mentality. We have, you know, in the hunter-gatherer days, we needed to be part of a tribe in order to stay safe. So it's very easy to get us, to seduce us into seeing it. And often believing a certain belief is the membership fee you pay in order to become part of that group. And so if from a influence perspective, you understand about that identity, you understand about the feelings, then it's much easier for you to be very effective. So it happens in politics, it happens in marketing, it happens in leadership. ([Time 0:18:20](https://share.snipd.com/snip/01e33834-db39-4a1d-8dbb-5b7352b8017d)) - **Beliefs Are The Membership Fee For Groups** - Identity acts as a membership fee: adopting beliefs signals group belonging and enforces conformity. - Marketing and propaganda exploit this by engineering feelings and identity alignment to win the 'story war' in people's minds. Transcript: Owen Fitzpatrick So it happens in politics, it happens in marketing, it happens in leadership. And even in our own mental health, we tend to be dominated by our feelings, which dictate, like I talked about earlier, what we're focusing on. And as a result of that, the same engineering that's taken place in our brain is taking place in these huge nations that have been operating propaganda campaigns for so long. Yeah. John Jantsch And it would be too easy to show some examples of current politics, us against them. So I'll revert back to one of my favorite ad campaigns that Apple ran. You know, you had the guy, the two, the guy in the stodgy suit, you know, that was, that was the PC and the hip, cool guy that wore tennis shoes to work, you know, was the Mac, like, here's The enemy. You don't want to be like them, do you? It wasn't quite as overt, but certainly that was the message, wasn't it? Owen Fitzpatrick It was one of the most phenomenal pieces of marketing. I 100% agree. And what I loved about it was, you know, sometimes the PC would be like, and then the other, you know what I mean? Continuously freezing. And everything about it was just the identity piece. It was like, who do you want exactly what you just said there, John? Who do you want to be? And I think when we see this in action, we don't realize that this is something that from a marketing standpoint, the very best do. Even if you remember, there's that ad of, you know, look at me now, look at him. It was the, it was the old spice commercials with the guy who was, you know, it was like, look at your man. Now look at me. He could be like me too. And that whole, that blew up. And that was one of the most successful commercials of all time and millions upon millions of views. But once again, it did so because it was very powerful from an emotional standpoint. And it also had an identity component. And so many of the purchases, particularly around, you know, hygiene or particularly around what we wear are all oriented towards who do you want to become? What kind of person do you want to be? And I think this is something that from a marketing standpoint, the greatest legends in the marketing world all intuitively understand that. So what I'm trying to do is help people to understand this is what's happening inside our head. And the more we understand the inner propaganda, which is in all of our heads, that is all convincing ourselves of certain things, the more we realize that for me to influence someone Else, I need to make sure that the ideas I present feel right, fit in with who they are, and only then will it make sense because that's what's going to get through to their inner propaganda. ([Time 0:20:31](https://share.snipd.com/snip/8d773ca3-df55-45d0-84bd-3e624faa8ef0))